A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 46-year-old Mother of 8 (3 by my first husband, 5 by my current partner) and I've had many affairs. Most of which my partner has known about. But now I've started a relationship with a man who myself and my Fiance both work with. All of the other guys were purely physical but I really like this guy yet I love my Fiance though after 16 years it's becoming tedious. We're meant to be marrying next month and I was looking forward to it but now I'm dreaming of a future with my lover. It'd break my kids heart if I split up with their Dad but now I've spent some time on dates with my lover and I don't know how I can walk down the aisle... do I keep quiet and marry my Fiance or break it off and give a relationship with my lover a go?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): maybe he's staying with her because he loves her and wants to make their relationship work and it's killing him that she won't even talk to him to try and sort it out. if he's let her have lovers for 16 years then why should that change now? maybe he doesn't have a problem with it, if he did he wouldn't have let it go on for so long. maybe she's helped him through some of the hardest times in his life and thye've been through a lot together and have a gorgeous family. maybe he doesn't want all of that to get thrown away for a bloke who'll probably move on to wrecking some other family in a fortnight. xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): Shooting somebody is hardly the same thing as cheating on them. My eldest (she's 23) has already done that but not for free and I'm not taking any sort of responsibility for that since she hasn't lived with me since she was 7 (credit where credit's due, she's trying to turn her life around now) and I didn't really feel anything. I don't need to be told I'm a bad Mother. I know it. My kids also don't know that I cheat on their Dad, as far as they're concerned, I'm out with friends. And my eldest 3 are 23, 23 & 16 so the eldest two have flown the nest and nobody can force my 16 year old to live with her Dad. I've actually asked my Fiance (ex-Fiance) to leave then in a couple of months my lover can move in with me and my children. They'll have to deal with that like 2 of my elder 3 dealt with my now ex-fiance 16 or so years ago.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (28 September 2007):
 Let me ask you this. If I gave you a gun, does that mean it's OK to shoot someone. You have no respect for your boyfriend and none for yourself. You have children, do you have any respect for your children? How would you feel if your children followed in mommy's footsteps and became "free" prostitutes.
I'm sure you must know, living in the country, that your custody laws, and whether you keep your children, partially depends on your behavior as a parent. After spending the last 45 minutes researching statutes and acts of the U.K., you're in violation of statute, your behavior can and more than likely will cause undue mental harm on your children. If I was the father of the children you were doing this with, you'd be leaving with only 3 children, not the eight. I'd also notify the other father, and if he's half as normal as you are, he'd have the other three full time.
I think either way, no matter what your choice ends up being, you need psychological treatment, and you need to provide an open account for counseling for your kids too. We as parents make decisions, and at times make errors, but your behavior is intentional and not a mistake.
I really feel sorry for your kids growing up with someone who can treat someone who she asks "should I still marry him" What so you can hide in the bushes with your boyfriends best man.
Now ask yourself, do your children who came into this world innocent and because of your actions not that they asked to be here, deserve what you are putting them through? When you choose to be a parent, you need to set aside the slut in you and take care of your kids. You have a responsibility to take care of them, feed them, protect them physically and mentally, and to be a positive role model to them. If you weren't ready to do that, birth control should have been used in double or triple doses. Where I live, this behavior would cause children to be taken and placed in a foster care program, and possibly criminal charges for neglect, and non physical child abuse. Every year behind bars would be well earned by this (couldn't find a word strong enough to describe) behavior. Come back from the twilight zone and take care of your responsibilities.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): Maybe I need harsh. I've cheated again and again for the past 30 or so years, I can't remember me actually being faithful. Ever. Kids haven't changed me so I can't imagine that anything will, which I suppose isn't a good thing.
My Fiance knows I want him to leave now and he's being nicer than ever to me, which makes me feel horrible and I can't just throw him out because he has no where to go. And I don't necessarily want him to go anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): I dont mean to be harsh but it makes me sick that you would abuse relationships in this way! You shouldn have started another relationship with someone while dating someone else! You have to choose! It unfiar to your partner, the "lover" and your children as well as your self! Before choosing anyone, think to yourself - is it that person you really want or will you cheat again and agian and again! Its not good for the people involved!
Hope you get everything sorted!
:D
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A
male
reader, KC3236S +, writes (27 September 2007):
Ouch, by all means do not marry this guy. Makes me pose the question...what are the chances that some of the 8 kids are not the former husband or current partners kids? I would move on and live your sexual lifestyle by yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): Thanks for that... I think I'm going to leave him. Probably to be with my lover. My Fiance certainly deserves much better than me though and I've know that for a very long time now whereas my lover is just as bad as me as far as being faithful etc. goes.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 I suggest that you look up the term "polyamory", and check out the books The Ethical Slut, The Lifestyle by Terry Gould, and Swinging a Societal Phenomena by Jean Hamel as well as the documentary:When Two Won't Do by Maurren Marovitch. I did and interview with Marovitch on my radio show, and you can listen to it at this link:
http://franktalks.com/?content=pastshow_polyamory
I did a number of interviews with Bernard Corbeil (swinger law) and others on Swinging, so you might want to listen to those interviews too:
http://franktalks.com/?content=pastshow_bernardcorbeil
The ones with Jean Hamel are still being editted, but should be up in a few weeks.
I think that it will give you access to information of how people in non-monogamous relationship cope with issues like you are facing now. I also do couples counceling for non-monagous relationships (alternative lifestyles) if you are interested.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): Thanks, that was more what I was trying to get across, that he's always allowed me to be unfaithful providing I never mention it, though he's never been unfaithful himself so I don't know if it'd count as an open relationship.
At the moment my kids are driving me absolutely mad; my 15 and 13 year olds being foul mouthed and fighting with each other and other people (and my 6 year old copying them) so leaving my Fiance and me moving out of our home, seems like the perfect idea. Their Dad's the parent they like the most and they're always much calmer and better behaved when I'm not around... so maybe that's the solution.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (26 September 2007):
There are too many undiscussed things here for you to be making any kind of committment to anyone. The fact that you have any kind of doubt in the matter is the sign that you should not be marrying anyone right now.
It sounds like that you are not cheating per se, but are in an open relationship without properly set boundaries. That being said, educate yourself about open relationships BEFORE acting on new relationships.
You could lose all the people you love without set boundaries.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): Thanks very much for the answers... I kind of knew what sort of replies I would get but there is more to the story. He's definitely not still with me just 'for the kids' but more from the very, very beginning of our relationship he told me he had no problem with me seeing other people, which I suppose is why he's never ended it with me because of it. If he'd never said that I would've probably never cheated on him. I know it's not his fault though. He is an absolutely amazing bloke and I do absolutely love him though, however bad I am at showing him that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I personally don't think you should be married to anyone at all if this is how you choose to run your relationships.To be honest I just don't get people like you. I can only see in your post that the only one you are interested in is yourself, you could not live your life this way if you truly cared about the family you have. Stop being so dishonest with your fiance. I think you are looking for something which has nothing to do with a man, what you are lacking in your own spirit is the answer to your questions. It also has nothing to do with your new affair! How can you continue this deceipt. How can you say to yourself it is alright. Your getting married in a month and you are still carrying on with others. You should really be either ashamed of yourself or getting some counselling on why you, after 16 years, children etc continue to behave as if you are a single women and available. Read your own post back to yourself and see what we see on how your situation presents itself, selfish, selfcentred and dishonest. If you maybe work on your own standards of how you would want someone to treat you then perhaps you might discover the right thing to do here. In the meantime don't deceive the man who thinks you love him and are committed. You're not!
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 you said yourself that you have had many affairs yet you are in love with this man? if you were in love with him you wouldnt even think of having a relationship with another man. i dont mean to sound offensive but wat you have done and wat you are doing are very selfish and immature and i think that you need time by yourself to figure out wat you really want or need. you said that it is becoming tedious after 16 years but do you not think that is because you are being unfaithful with another person?! im sorry but i agree with waterloo on this one my stomach churned, have you actually sat down and thought about the fact that you have had so many affairs and have even brought children into this? you really need to sort out your head and grow up a bit, if not you will never settle down with just the one man.
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A
female
reader, Ms.Sweet dreams  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 well just talk to ur kids and explain that you want to marry ur fiance coz i know they will understand u and it will make u happy. but i hope ur fiance will truly love u and u will not both regret after u marry. best wishes!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): My stomach turned over when i read this one. Do not marry your bloke. Get your head right and have some time on your own. Leave both blokes alone for the time being until you can sort out just what you do want.
You say your relationship is tedious, well it takes two, so dont put all the blame on your bloke, he probably feels fed up with it all.
I suggest you break free and find out the true you - without a bloke in sight.
take care
xxx
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A
female
reader, Gemini1506 +, writes (26 September 2007):
Dont marry him
Marriage is all about being faithful and commitment, if youo cant do that then the marriage is doomed to fail. I say you should take a break from your fiance
Yeah your kids may be devasted now but it would be better if you realise now then a couple of years down the line
Best of luck with your descision
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A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (26 September 2007):
 what is your fiance doing staying with you? don't tell me.., fot the kids. you deserve to be on your own, at 46 you should know better and i hope your fiance sees sense before he marries you.
for once, do the right thing, end your sham of a relationship with your fiance and then you're free to go off and sleep with any man you choose.
your kids will get over it, they are resiliant to heartbreak, unlike your poor, yet stupid, fiance. he should have realised, once a cheat, always a cheat.
think about someone else instead of yourself.
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