A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:My boyfriend has been terrible at making me feel secure in this relationship. I have worried the entire year that he was keeping me as his 2nd choice back-up plan. I know he has feared losing me as a friend, one who actually accepts and tolerates his odd behaviour and quirks. But I've needed to know I'm his number one choice and getting any affection from him has been like pulling teeth. For whatever reason he upped his game these last 2 weeks of 2011 and I thought we'd really turned a corner. New years eve he got drunk and made a stupid comment about "the next time" he goes looking for a girl. I was upset but tried to be cool and blow it off. Last night we watched a movie with a really clever pick up line. He laughed and (completely sober) said "I'm going to have to use that on [embarassing pause]...YOU sometime." It was just like the moments in the movies where the crappy partner reveals his true heart and both partners are fully aware of what happened in that moment. He tried to reel it in, but the damage was done.I've given him many opportunites to get out of this relationship and experience the world as he's so much younger than myself. But I've also made it perfectly clear that I need to be someone's #1 and I will NOT waste my life in limbo waiting for him to decide what HE wants in life. And then for THIS to happen--I'm numb. So I left him. Told him he will never see me again. He's more afraid of losing his playmate than the love of his life. Today he has sent text after text professing his love, apologizing for what he said. I think I need to let him go at least for a few months so that he can experience life without me and appreciate what he's lost. I have wept for this relationship for months, it's his turn. As this is my first ever relationship, I'm trying to do the right thing here. Is it right of me to need some space and to give him time to really consider what he wants in life?
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female
reader, bardia +, writes (4 January 2012):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all. It's been an unusual situation from the start. And yes, starting a first relationship at 35 (I'll be 37 next month) isn't normal. I'm fully aware of that. I've put up with a lot I probably shouldn't have (& won't ever again). The good times I did have in this relationship were glorious & all I ever wanted. I was in it headlong from the start. He tells me he just started getting consciously serious about it 2 weeks ago (yes, there was a wonderful drama-free 2 weeks because he actually acted like a boyfriend should without me having to cajole it from him). But after I've given o er a year of my life to him, he has the nerve to wonder why I still get so worried that he'll leave me. He has done next to nothing to show his love. Sunday was the first time he said I love you where it actually rolled off his tongue from his heart without reservation! I thought that was golden. But to say only 24 hours later that he's going to have to try that pick up line on someone drove the dagger into my heart. There is no security or trust in this and I cannot live in fear of someone leaving me for the next best thing. Thank you again for your insight & advice.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 January 2012):
 If you have wept for months because of this relationship , this break should be permanent , not temporary. A relationship should make your life more enjoyable , not more miserable, otherwise what's the point.
If he exhibits odd behaviours and quirks , he may not be the easiest item to sell on the dating market, and he's aware of that. So his fear of losing you would come out of fear of losing security and convenience, not out of deep love. As you have already been thinking.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (4 January 2012):
I agree with YouWish, I think this guy does need you in his life, BUT in a very specific role, which is not in the way you want.
I think he needs the security that having you around provides him, hence him begging you not to leave. But I think that's where it ends and your intuitions that you're his back up plan is probably correct.
Many people do get emotionally tied to their back up plans due to fear of losing out, whether this has to do with their career decisions or financial investments or sports strategies or whatever. Especially if their primary plan isn't panning out, then all the more they may be desperate to retain their back up plan so they won't lose even more. But that doesn't change the fact that the back up is still the back up and thus not the first choice.
And this dynamic where you are the one "pursuing" him, or waiting on him putting him in control of your joint relationship, probably makes him feel good.
I think you did the right thing of leaving him. But I think you should see this as a possibly permanent solution, and not put your hopes into him changing his mind. Otherwise, you haven't really left him, and this 'break up' is just you attempting a manipulation maneuver to turn the tables on him, and he still has control over you because you still "need" him to want what you want. If so, then this is just a different chapter of this relationship and is dragging it out longer.
If you can make peace with this breakup being permanent then you can actually move on emotionally and eventually (though it may take a long time) be free from this distress.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 January 2012):
 First of all, you did the right thing by leaving him.
Second, I have a thought regarding this behavior he exhibited. I actually think he did feel more for you than he let on. I think his texts and such to try to get you back were legitimate in that he did want YOU back, and not just as a plaything.
Here's why I think this:
Many people out there believe that to have an "upper hand" in a relationship, they must try to appear indifferent, as if they have less to lose. This is designed subconsciously to keep their partner off balance, insecure, and worried that they might lose the one they love.
He may also have had intimacy issues and used comments such as "the next time I ask a girl out" etc. to try and remind himself not to fall too hard for you, as people who feel like they fall hard lose control. Yes, this was about control. It was also about concealing feelings.
I think that he didn't consciously set out to establish this dynamic. I think he simply has baggage from either his upbringing or his past that causes him to try and establish the upper hand. Ego may play a part of it, because in this weird way, your stressing over keeping him, your anxiety, and even maybe your anger and frustration fed his ego and made him feel wanted and needed by you.
Of course, all of that ended when you put on the brakes. Regardless of anything I've said on here, you need to stay away from him. You need someone who will reassure you and not keep you off balance. You need someone who is in this relationship as a team in order for both of you to bring out the best in each other. You are no man's accessory. You need someone who gives you affection without reserve instead of pour you a tiny thimble full once in awhile to keep you sacrificing gallons of your own for him.
This was unhealthy for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): I think he is one of those sadistic, abusive men that derive pleasure by hurting someone else. It gives him a sense of power and control.Also being its your first relationship may indicate you may suffer low self esteem and he targeted you so he could be abusive to you- hurtful words intended to cause damage is emotionally abusive.That he is also younger also fits the 'profile' of an abuser.I say end it definitely, seek counselling to boost your self esteem and with it, boost your immunity to become any abusive jerks target.Target means it is not about love. Its purely abusive. Just because a guy says nice things to get you to trust in them, does not mean they are healthy or capable of being a part of a loving, healthy, adult relationship.*HUGS* Hang in there, totally did the right thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): I think you have done the best thing, the relationship isn't going anywhere, you aren't happy, best to try meet someone new.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): By all accounts I feel safe to say he isnt anywhere near as serious as you are. I cant help but feel youre only there because there is no one else better. You just dont say or think of them things when you are next to someone you see a future with.
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