A
female
age
30-35,
*ebeccaa
writes:Hi i need advice!So i have been going out with this boy for 3 months, we have loads of arguments over stupid little things.So we've just had another arguement ill explain what happend in a second, but i cant keep having all these arguments with him, they get me into such a state! I suffer with panic attacks and i often have one when im under pressure, worried, panicking or im stressed about something, they can be big or small sometimes i just have to take deep breaths and calm down, orhter times i have to lay down put my hands above my head and breath slowly, i went to the doctors alot before thwy discovered i suffered with panick attacks and they thought i had asthma for a while.Anyway my boyfriend never liked me putting kisses in texts or messages on facebook to boys, he moaned at me but he did it so i said i wont do it but then that means you cant because if i cant why should you? So we came to an agreement of no kisses to the opposite sex, anyway today one of our friends (mostly his friend) spoke to me on facebook, and put two kisses so i put two back but the only reasons i did are because A) he is a mutual friend my boyfriend knows him very well he is a good friend of his, and knows nothing would ever happen between us.B) because he goes out with one of my very best friends so i would never go out with him in a million years and C) because im not overly keen on him as a friend as my boyfriend knows never mind anything else.So i realy didnt think that would matter, and i just did it to be polite and to save any arguments, so straight after this happend i noticed on his facebook he had started putting the same amount of kisses to loads of girls ones i didnt even know, and he said to me 'you put kisses to other boys' and i said name 2, and he said lewis (the boy i was just talking about) and he couldnt name any others, i explained the reasons why i put kisses to Lewis and he said 'i dont mind you putting kisses to Lewis' and i thought thats funny neither of us have put a kiss to the opposite sex for ages so why do you decide to now, clearly its because of my two kisses to Lewis. We have arguments about things like this all the time and im sick of it, do you have any advice on how to make it better or are we best off apart?I also just posted a quesstion about yet another argument we had but incase noone saw it ill just give a breif explanation, a boy was talking to me on facebook who i have known years we was in nursery together and we used to be like best friends but called eachother boyfriend and girlfrined, for three years. Then he was talking to me on facebook the other night he said "ill come see you new years eve to keep you company and we can get down and dirty" Because i was on my own baby sitting i said to him "i dont think my boyfriend would be to happy about that" and he said "he doesnt have to know" then i replied "oh well i dont want to do that to him anyway" Then when my boyfriend saw he got all mad at him and threatned to go to his house and drag him out and beat them up. Then he moaned at me because i didnt do anything about it, there was also another incident like this that caused an argument.Can i have a few opinions on the best thing to do?Thanks
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female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (4 January 2012):
Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thankyou
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 January 2012):
 Well, you are right, there can't be two different set of rules, one that counts for him and another for you. But, in a healthy relationship there isn't RULES to begin with. There should be no rules. He doesn't get to tell you who you talk to or not. He isn't allowed to change your passwords, thats incredibly controlling and a huge red flag. I would stay away from him, he sounds like a possessive man who will make you miserable.
In a healthy relationship there isn't rules because you have RESPECT for each other. When you respect each other you will use your own judgement of things and avoid things that you believe can hurt your partner. You respect his feelings, and he in return will respect you enough to trust your judgement and respect your decisions.
There is no respect in this relationship. Respect, friendship, trust and honesty are cornerstones of a relationship. You lack the trust and respect, perhaps lack the honesty as well. You need to get rid of him and get your msn password back to talk to whomever YOU want to. You belong to you, you decide who you talk to yourself. Always.
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A
female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (4 January 2012):
Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks but when I said i can't he can't I ment we can't gave one rule for me and a totally different rule for him thats niot right is it? Im not even allowed to talk to some boys, he even changed my msn password so I couldn't talk to the boys without him seeing
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): "So i have been going out with this boy for 3 months, we have loads of arguments over stupid little things."
Stop right there. He's obviously not "the one."
You're 16 or 17 and you've known this guy for three months, don't waste years of your life trying to "save" a relationship doomed from the start.
Walk away NOW!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 January 2012):
You need someone who is more relaxed and chilled out about how you communicate with people, or you need to stop this way of communication. There are some things that are acceptable in a relationship and other things that are not. The basic idea though is that the two people in the relationship decide TOGETHER on what goes and what doesn't.
Now, the problem seems to be something as easy as, and sadly you will not like to hear this: immaturity.
He doesn't like how you communicate, rather than talk about it and come to an agreement with you he makes demands (immature), as if it's a given that he gets to decide what you do. Next you respond with "If I can't then you can't" (again, immature), when you should have just talked to him about it instead and either stood your ground on keeping up the way you communicate, or agree to a compromise you are BOTH happy with. Obviously this demand and tit-for-tat game didn't work for you, because you still want the freedom to decide who you write kisses to or not. You want to make that decision yourself. So you broke the "agreement" you had with your boyfriend because it was an immature agreement and immature agreements don't really work in real life. Of course you need to use your own judgement of things, otherwise you'll feel under control and be miserable.
He on the other hand sees that you breaks the agreement, and immature about this agreement as he is (again, an immature agreement makes for more immature responses) he decides to bully you about it rather than talk about it. He gets into a fight with you over what is indeed a stupid and small matter, precisely because the agreement you and him had prior to this was founded on some immature idea that he gets to tell you what to do. As you AGREED to this he naturally feels a RIGHT to reprimand you.
These things are things you and him will grow out of once you go through more relationships dealing with these issues. Unfortunately these issues will not disappear as long as you stay with him. If he causes you panic attacks and yet doesn't have the maturity to avoid petty fights, and you do not know how to communicate with him at a mature level either, then there is nothing you can do about it and you should let him go. He is causing you distress, and so much after only 3 months. It doesn't matter if one of you are more mature than the other, as long as there is an imbalance the least mature one will cause problems for the communication of the relationship.
I MUST also add that I did not look at your age before I responded. This answer might as well have been given to a woman at 26, because believe it or not plenty of older people are immature as well, especially if they don't have much relationship/sibling experience or have been spoiled by their parents. Relationship experience prevents these sorts of arguments, because you learn what is important and what isn't, and you learn through time how to communicate your needs in a mature way.
Even I didn't start learning how to communicate more efficiently and have arguments that are good and not bad (there's a healthy way to argue and a destructive one too..) until just a couple or years ago. And Im about 10 years older than you. So Im sorry to say, but I don't think you and your boyfriend can work through this or be happy together... He will just make you miserable.
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