A
male
age
51-59,
*omansoldier
writes:Hi again guys. Since last time I asked a question, I made the decision to end the marriage, and filed for divorce a few months ago. Nothing was getting any easier, and my soon to be ex even started going on dating sites while I was trying hard to talk to her and repair the marriage. Anyway, decree absolute should come in around end Oct or early Nov. My question now is, what do i do about something else now I am worrying about: namely, my company (online), is struggling and my recent state of mind hasn't helped. I am just about to be given an opportunity of joining a company doing a job I studied for about 3 yrs ago, just before my marital problems, and which I really would love to do. only problem is, the job is most likely abroad, hundreds or thousands of miles from home. I will miss my 3 young kids, youngest only 4. What do I do, follow my heart or lump it here and try make a go of my business and hope the economic situation improves? I sell IT equipment online currently. The other opportunity has the prospect of a much bigger wage packet. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, HoneyComb  +, writes (6 October 2011):
Oh boy....you prepared long ago, and now you may be offered this great job while your on-line business is in a downturn. Not an easy decision, but consider your options. You're being recruited from long distance for good reason. Either there aren't candidates in the area or your qualifications exceed the competition. Now, sit back and look at it from the other side of the desk. If they asked what it would take to get you to accept the job, what would your answer be? Would it be; work remotely, from your current home; maybe come home on weekends; split the time on location and work remotely the other 50%?The beautiful thing about your profession is that the IT world is flexible and most business leaders have families and will understand your concerns. Something else to think about, if you and your ex on good terms and the money is there, is to take them all ( kids and your ex) with you. What a great opportunity for her and adventure for the kids! Win-Win!If you don't even try, you will never know. Trust that you CAN have your cake and eat it too!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): Dude i think you should take the new job offer. But i also think that you should keep regular phone/ letter contact and whenever you get the occasion, fly home to see them. You need to do what you want to do and you need to remember that you cant please everyone. you should both as responsible adults, explain to the children that mummy and daddy are no longer living together as daddy has to go away to earn some money. Dont think going away is abandoning your kids because it is possible to co-parent and to maintain a good, healthy relationship from a distance. call every day, write letters, send photo's and cards, go home to see them for xmas and birthdays ect... you should havee a happy working life and kids bounce back a lot more then we give them credit for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): As a parent who lost a child premanently in a custody battle, and then had to move out of state and didn't get to see him for a year... I say don't go!!My son was only three. My ex left me penniless to the point that I became homeless, which is why I lost custody of my son. I went from being a full time at-home mother to homeless in the span of four months. I could only find work at fast-food places, sometimes only bringing home $30 a week. My son was only 3 years old. I was offered a roof, but it was 900 miles away. I didn't realize how selfish my ex could be, plus in denial thinking surely the judge would see the error in taking my child away forever, and that soon I would get that magical call. It almost killed me. It was more like my son had died or had been kidnapped. Both he and I suffered great mental and emotional trauma due to this experience. I was able to move back after a year, and now my son is 9 years old, and I do have minor visitation but only out of the "goodness" of my ex's heart, (meaning at any moment he could decide I never get to see him again, or move away and take him from me forever.) I dragged myself onto my feet. I am still very low income but at least I have a roof, a job, and food to eat. I am still not recovered from the trauma, and neither is he. We work together to get better, but there is always a wall between us now. I don't think he'll ever have that full loving, trusting bond with me ever again. I lost my child, and even though I have him back, I don't...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 October 2011):
 I agree fully with CaringGuy - You kids should come first no matter what. They are still so young and NEED to have both parents around.
I have seen what not having a Daddy have done to kids. In my book money can never replace a good parent.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 October 2011):
I sometimes don't think that parents understand the emotional power that they have over their children. It is huge, and in the hands of the wrong person, or someone who isn't thinking straight, it can be dangerous.
See, you will miss your kids, but because you're older and you have more defined emotions, you'll deal with it.
Your children are still defining their emotions, and they won't have the understanding you do. This will probably screw them up for life. They'll blame themselves for you leaving, they'll then feel totally abandoned by you and this could lead to them having severe emotional problems later in life. Most people who's parents leave entirely wind up screwed up, or struggle with emotions and relationships later on in life.
When you have kids, your dreams have to come second to their needs. You now have to decide what you really want. If this job is worth more than your kids, take it. If your kids are worth more, then stay here, do something else and be a good father.
Just don't underestimate how badly this could go wrong for your kids. They've already seen you two divorce. That last thing they need is for you to now up and basically never see them again. It will screw them up.
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A
female
reader, neomum +, writes (6 October 2011):
Go with the job because you need to provide for your kids and you can't do that with your own company in the situation its in. You can still see your kids using skype and holidays, you could always email them and talk over the telephone. Don't forget to send photo's to each other so they will never forget what you look like.
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