A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I need some help to understand why I don't feel emotionally connected to my bf anymore, and if this means I no longer love him, and what I should do, please.We've been together 2 years, and at first, I was wary of opening up to him too much as he had a reputation as being a bit of a serial dater. We were exclusive after our first date and got on really well in all aspects of our relationship :) He told me he loved me after a few weeks, but I couldn't see how he could love me after such a short time, and didn't tell him I loved him too until I actually felt it, which was 3 months into our relationship.At 5 months, I found him sexting another girl and it really hurt :( I was ready to leave at that point, but he cried, said he hadn't realised it could hurt me, it meant nothing, they'd never met, blah blah, and I took him back.At 7 months, I found 2 girls in bed with him (him in his boxers, them fully clothed, plus there were 2 guys asleep on the floor in the same room) after they'd had a drunken night out. Again, I was very hurt, despite him and the girls (who are friends of his that he has known for years) reassuring me nothing happened, they'd come home drunk and just slept. I took some time to think things over, and told him his behaviour had been unacceptable, that if anything similar happened again, I'd leave him. Slowly, I started to rebuild my trust in him.Then, a couple of months later, I found out through a mutual friend that his ex-gf had been texting him, asking him to meet her, that she wanted to rekindle things with him. He hadn't met up with her, but had been texting her in a flirty way. He told me he had no intentions of meeting her or getting back together with her, and that he could see no harm in flirting. So, I went away for a week to think things through. When I came back, he showed me he'd deleted her number, and had gone as far as deleting his Facebook account entirely so she couldn't contact him. He said he wanted me to feel secure with him as he wants a future with me.So, things have been going pretty great since then. Nothing else like that has happened. I have never betrayed his trust, and I feel like I can almost trust him, although if I'm honest, I sometimes feel I'm waiting for the next bad thing to happen, which isn't fair on him I know as he's never physically cheated and seems the kind of person whowanted to settle down into family life. He talked about marriage out of the blue, has been repeatedly asking me to move in with him (I haven't yet) and asked me if I'd consider stopping contraception as he would like us to have a family. Anyway, I didn't stop my contraception, but have become pregnant nonetheless. He's over the moon, told all his friends and family, and has started buying baby stuff. Meanwhile, I don't feel anything about the pregnancy. No joy. And I'm finding that I don't feel much towards him either. I don't think it's just hormones, as I'm 15 weeks pregnant now, and the crying phase has passed. I just don't get butterflies when he calls anymore, I don't get excited when I'm going to see him (3-4 times per week, as we both work shift pattern jobs), and I'm not interested in kissing him let alone sex anymore (up until a few weeks ago I couldn't get enough of his kisses/sex!). I still don't really want to move into his place (bad memories there) and don't feel I can 100% trust him yet either. I don't know how to move on from this and how to start feeling more positive about things. I still love my job, friends, family, and I know I'm not depressed. It's just I don't feel much about the baby, and I don't feel in love with my bf anymore. I have been putting off seeing him for the last week. I know I could support a baby without him (financially, etc) but I would want my baby to have a father there. I've never felt this disinterested in my bf before :(Do you think this will pass? Will I get the feelings for him back? Sometimes I feel like my love for him has slowly been extinguished since he first betrayed my trust, and I worry it's all gone now even though I can't understand why. What should I do?? Thanks.
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female
reader, deirdre +, writes (23 May 2012):
I think you are feeling this way because you were not over him being dishonest when you found out you were pregnant. now I dont mean that in a bad way, I would be really pissed if I had been in your situation. you dont say how long you people are together, so I cant say whether the baby thing might be too soon. but it would help to contact Positive Options who can give you a list of non judgemental counsellors who you can talk to and explore your options. it sounds as though you have already decided you are going to keep the baby, but in any case you need to resolve these feelings as they are bothering you and being pregnant is stressful enough already. good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): I don't know he does sounds a bit of a player. Still I'd be far more concerned about him suggesting you stop your contraception, you saying no and then conveniently becoming pregnant later anyway (especially considering contraception is usually 99% effective).
Bottom line is if you don't feel you love him anymore then it's not going to get better. It definitely won't be better for your baby to be old enough to get upset at you two breaking up. Maybe try going on a break and see if there's any feelings left there for him at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): (from original poster) thank you for the advice :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): Hi,I really hope this helps you.I do think it is a combination of the shock of an unplanned pregnancy, it makes you want to re-evaluate your whole life, your relationship, the father of the baby and sometimes you can feel a little 'well, I'm stuck with him now, do i really even want him'. I do think since its been the past few weeks that it will pass, because up until then you said you couldnt get enough of him and his kisses.I know he wasnt an angel in the past - HOWEVER you repeatedly took him back and continued the r-ship. To him, this means that all is forgiven and you have both moved on. You clearly haven't. When you decided to take him back multiple times, its a way of saying 'lets try again'.I do think its the unplanned pregnancy that has turned your world upside down a little and your mind is just in a state of evaluating your life in preparation for your little baby. He sounds really excited for this baby and I would love to see you and him become closer through this because even if you are not sure of him the past couple of weeks, your child needs the both of you. It sounds like at least for the past year of the r -ship he has been taking things more seriously, maybe he just needed to grow up before then.
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