A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am married for 13 years with 3 kids, a great family life and friends, I am very successful. Sounds great, huh? I have one issue... I am not in love with my wife, I am done "trying" to love her (yes, we did seek therapy and yes things are better in the marriage). However, I have realized I am in love with my 1st wife that I divorced 15 years ago! We have been seeing each other for the past 6 years on a friendship basis but we have both realized we care for each other much more than friends...what should I do , we do?. I do not want to hurt my family but I feel a need to have the love of my life. THE Question...should my life be about my family, my friends, my house and stuff or about the love I am missing in my life?
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male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (5 July 2007):
Your first wife, of five years, wasn't good enough for your successful career So you just used her body to fulfil your other needs, until number two came along. But, low and behold your number-one has became successful in her own rights, And perhaps she is doing better than you are, just a wild guess. And now she can fit into your little ticky-tacky-box of acceptability, Whereas your number two wife of X-years, Who also helped to make you successful got the bumsrush. Because your number one wife went from useless to useful. And when it came to your career. You just used them both. And I don't see that you have had a change in your mind-set. As for love, I don't see that it was ever a part of either of the relationships.
A
female
reader, DIE-romantic.  +, writes (3 July 2007):
 Well, i would say to be honest, talk to your current wife about it, you can both see its not right. But i really wouldnt mess it up again, it seems like you've worked really hard to get what you have, dont lose it all. You cant help the feelings you have, of course you cant but you lose ALOT more than you will gain here mate.Think carefully about it, at the end of the day its your decision.Take care xxx
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (2 July 2007):
 You were probably that kid in school who would get 97% on a test and spend the whole day fretting over the 3% you didn't get. In other words, you are a perfectionist. I am as well, so I understand you to a certain extent.
So, let tally up the scorecard shall we?
With wife #1: An ornament hanging by your side on your way to the top. She gave you no children, and no home. You, finding her wanting, dump her. And today... still no children and no home with this one, with only the prospect of an adulterous roll in the hay and a perfect fantasy for you in your own mind.
With wife #2: A bloody hard-working mother of your beautiful children, contributing with you over the years to providing a loving and stable home for your family. You have the prospect of seeing your children become fine young adults, each understanding that hard work and commitment provides far greater rewards than succumbing to animal desires. Furthermore, your children will eventually have grandchildren, and these little ones will depend on you and your wife for the special memories that only grandparents can provide.
I leave it to you to inspect the scoresheets. Neither is a perfect score, but which one would you rather take to the scorer's table?
Let's be clear - you are already cheating with your ex-wife on your second wife. If you share things with your ex that you don't with your wife, you are having what some would call an emotional affair. You are already hurting your children by giving your emotional energy to someone they will come to see as a homewrecker.
You have the chance to learn from your mistakes, and to take responsibility for the consequences of your choices. Your only guide is your inner voice, and I'm pretty sure that it is telling you which of the two choices will allow you to look yourself in the mirror every day. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (2 July 2007):
Here’s an old-fashioned response. Twice you have promised to stay with a woman for the rest of your life. You messed-up once, and now you are thinking about doing it again. Once you have children, the commitment to a marriage becomes doubly important. In fact your wishes have to come second to their needs. What did they do to deserve a divorce from you? Maybe the first wife turned out to be THE one after all. Well that’s tough, but this isn’t just about your “needs” anymore. You gave up that right when you had kids. Stop seeing your first wife and make the most of your marriage. What if it isn’t all fireworks any more? Life isn’t like the movies, all choreographed passion and bunches of roses. Once you REALLY let go of your first wife, you might find great happiness in your marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy 1st wife I began dating at age 18 for 6 years and then married for 5. I ended the marriage because I did not think my wife was good enough for my successful career, I felt I needed more of a good girl, mother figure, I was young and on the road to success, I felt my 1st wife was not right for me. Whelp, I got the mother figure all right now! My 1st wife is successful, a lot of fun, we can talk about anything and everything. We reconnected over the past 6 years, however we have gone our seperate ways plenty of times to commit to our homes and "try" but we always wind up reconnecting back to square one, miserable with our spouses and missing each other! THANK you for your responses!
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (2 July 2007):
 The truth is this, you've been cheating on your current wife for the last six years. It is cheating when you're carrying onwith someone youhave feelings for and you're married to someone else.
When your marriage was in trouble, you went to therapy. But, how can you concentrate on what you've got when you know you're thinking about what you had with the first wife. You've been planting seeds in the wrong garden. How can your wife work on the marriage when you're not trying?
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (2 July 2007):
So, what caused your first marriage to fail? Have you properly processed this failure and learned from it?
It would be helpful if you could provide more background about your first marriage.
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A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas +, writes (2 July 2007):
Relationships are not always about love when it comes to men, Being as many men never learn to love. We just learn to lust,and we call that love. So as a man, who has been married twice in my 80 years of life. And came out of a broken home. To be hoest with you,I didn't really learn how to love, but I did learn "commitment in both of my
marriages. It seems to me,That you are pretty much like me. And you have never learned to commite in either of your relationships. It would be nice to know what #1 did with her life after things fell apart. She just wasn't good enough way back when. And now she's the queenbee of your life. My What a difference a a day makes, or a few years. You say that you are just friends, no sex. Well, I own this bridge in SF. called the Goldengate, and I'll sell it to you for 20 $$$. So as I see it, You havn't learned to love either of those women, but you could learn Commitment. And your second family is a good place to start. You lost your first woman using your lower head, so why not use the one above your shoulders this time and keep your marriage in tact.
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