A
male
age
41-50,
*an80
writes:I recently discovered my long-term partner had been exchanging messages with an ex boyfriend on Facebook. I work away a lot and these exchanges took place while I was away in January. What concerns me is not so much that she contacted this guy in the first place, because I am perfectly happy for her to have male friends, but that in the email I found she invited him to come over to Portugal to see her (he is from Israel). She specified that he could come any time except during the dates I am at home.At any rate, this invitation appears not to have been taken up, but I feel she has betrayed me, and it feel even worse because at the moment we do have some tension in our relationship - our sex life in particular is dead in the water.I don't know whether to confront her about my discovery of the email because, firstly, it happened five months ago and nothing tangible appears to have come of it, and secondly, do I risk weakening our already stressed relationship over something which may be rather trivial in the wider picture? I know she gets lonely when I am away and I sometimes wonder if things like this are bound to happen from time to time?
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male
reader, dyeruz +, writes (27 May 2010):
I find it strange people are saying ignore the emails, a relationship is dead if the two parties can't trust each other, but what's done is done, he's snooped and found these emails and she's written and made it quite obvious that the dude can only come around when her husband is not there. Both parties need to be adults and fess up to what they've done and talk about it in a serious way, not tip toe around the subject so as not to hurt one parties feelings.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 May 2010):
 Some information's are useful and some information's are better left alone and never to see the day light.
What good would it do to your relationship if you were to bring it up?
Will it bring you together or will it push you further apart?
It could have been a stupid mistake or a joke by her and nothing came out of it.
Now that you are on tender hooks with her, such tit bits would not help you to bring her closer to you. It would only alienate her further and make your life more difficult.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 May 2010):
 I agree with the anonymous male poster that telling her about the Facebook thing would make her feel that you don't trust her. Because that's exactly what one would logically feel about it. You claim not to be a jealous man and to be perfectly happy with her having male friends. If that's the case, then, why did she have to hide the contact with the guy? Why would she ask a former boyfriend to travel and see her?
I am in disagreement with the other posters. Do tell her what you found. Ask what happened. Get answers.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 May 2010):
 It's true it happened five months ago. She could have opened another account, used a new password, and signed in every single time with it. Long distance relationships can make hearts grow fonder or can break a relationship especially if it's used as a reason to break off. Your sex life is a good indication of your relationship. If you pretend everything is okay the relationship won't last anyway. If you are ready to let her go then by all means confront her. I don't think this is trivial. Honesty is just as important as respect. "We are just friends," I am afraid, is not going to work. That just prooves that she's more concerned about getting her selfish needs met than your feelings.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): This is of course a very difficult thing to find out about. However, as tempting as it may be, I would not tell her that you know. It will only weaken your relationship further because she may feel that you don't trust her (with good reason!) and are spying on her. Either way she'll just resent you.
Take it as a wake-up call that if you both don't fix the relationship you're in, that she is ready to move on. You both need to have a long talk for sure...just not about the facebook messages.
Good luck.
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