A
female
age
41-50,
*unshinex
writes:Hi,I have been with my fiance for a year and a half and he has a daughter aged 10 and a stepson aged 11 from his previous marriage. Both are difficult children behaviour wise and both bully my son and swear and call me names whilst at my house. I have told my boyfriend that I will accept his daughter but not his stepson anymore as he is constantly trying to come between us.I have given both children chance after chance but it is starting to get me down, I dread the weekends. My BF has suggested that he goes to stay at his dads at the weekends with his children but he wants us to have a baby after we are married, how can this possibly happen if he's backwards and forwards like this. I can not bring a baby into this world of confusion
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female
reader, sunshinex +, writes (7 November 2007):
sunshinex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.s forgot to mention that I have known these children for years as I used to work as a teaching assistant at their school. His stepson has always been naughty, bullying, fighting, swearing. I looked after his daughter for 9 weeks when my BF and his ex split as she left her behind, she was as good as gold, all started when she went to live back with her mother and his stepson was allowed contact with my BF again after a short break when they told him that my BF wasn't his real dad.
A
female
reader, sunshinex +, writes (7 November 2007):
sunshinex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts nice to listen to people who are on the same wave length as me who are outsiders. You can all picture what's going on so well. The children have been counselled as they were both the child pro register when parents split due to emotion abuse and violence from their mother. my son only has til July before he leaves school and it's his sats year, i've asked him if he wants to move but he refuses. The wedding is booked for August and I can't wait to marry him, apart from his kids he is the most wonderful man. I'm sure that he would make a wonderful dad to our baby, with me of course to guide him and make sure he doesn't make the same mistakes again but I also think, as you all do that until he sorts his priorities a baby is not going to happen.
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A
male
reader, Asexy  +, writes (7 November 2007):
 The stepson thinks of him as his father. You can't ask your bf to leave him behind.
On the other hand, you have to protect your own son.
Unless the two of you can be a united front (him backing your parenting decisions and vice versa) then I don't see a future for the two of you.
I recommend family counseling. I think he needs to hear from someone else that letting his step-son run wild isn't doing the poor boy any favors, and the step-son needs counseling on his own.
I would postpone any wedding (and baby) until after you find whether the counseling/intervention works for you. If not, I would move on. You have your son to think of, and this atmosphere (as it is) isn't healthy for him.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007): I am sorry for what you are going through. Are you saying these kids go to the same school as your son? If so, can you change schools? Not something one wants to do but it will save your son, his self-esteem, his confidence, his sense of good self and know this... that no matter where he goes to school, he will make new friends. Kids are resilient that way.
About this ex-wife... Hun, there is a particular breed of woman who when they become the ex wife..will work 'overtime' to make everyone else pay for her own misery. Sadly these women delight in torturing their ex's new partners. For some evil reason all of their own, these women themselves, don't want their ex to be happy so they manipulate and 'use' their own children to ensure that. You are in for a even a rougher road ahead, hun and do you really need this BS? From what I am seeing now, you will need a thick skin or a padded room where no one can hear your screams, to deal with the anxiety. The best I can tell you is always take the high road no matter what and let 'him' deal with her and these children. These children do not deserve this, either. It is unfair to all...yes, especially them. Because your guy is feeling torn and unsure what to do, he needs to get a backbone and stand up to her and protect his new family. He needs to tell his kids to behave like proper, people when they set foot in that door. What is so incredibly sad, is these kids hate you, hate your little boy and they likely don't even know why. I recommend, your bf get his kids into family counseling with himself, to learn positive, proactive ways to deal with their behaviors. Best to start the counseling now, because at this rate, they will need it in the future, anyways. Why..because of all the negativity and hate being instilled in these poor children. So sad. And that hate will fester and grow. It will cause upheaval in their futures. They need some professional help and your bf needs to be stronger.
Your bf is worried he will not see the kids if he stands up to her and the kids. That will not happen. He has legal rights as the father. But if he is not making you a priority, you may have to think about moving on. Frankly, I would never sacrifice my happiness or my future for some man with hateful kids and a crazy ex-wife. But here it is in a nutshell...nothing can be done until your man stands up to his ex wife and kids and sets some boundaries. If he can't do this, then he is not 'policing' his family borders, here.
So to answer your question, "is it unreasonable for me to ask my BF to choose between us having a baby or him spending weekends at his dads so that he can spend time with his ex wife's son?" To answer that, if you want your sanity and you want to protect your child, then you insist he keep that boy away from your child. Insist on it and tell him "that you deserve a lot better than the situation you are in, right now." YOU take a stand for yourself and your son and please, rethink the baby plans. Because, when a man that wont stand up for you, your child, will he do it for a defensless new baby? Is he worth worth keeping? I would not blame you if you decided, 'enough of this' and went off to make a good, healthy, harmonious existence for just you and your son, Sometimes, life throws us a curve but when there are children involved, who are being bullied and abused like your little boy, you owe it to this child to be strong and a force of nature to making his life the best it can be. Never see your own beautiful child suffer...for a man who won't stand up and insist his children and ex wife tow the line.
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A
female
reader, sunshinex +, writes (7 November 2007):
sunshinex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the answer from Irish 49, these chd should know better, it's actualy their mother who puts them up to that kind of behaviour, she doesn't want my BF to be happy. We have stopped the chd from visiting but the behaviour carries on next time, my son has to put up with the bullying at school too. They are very devious but my BF doesn't see this. It is hard for my BF, he brought this boy up as his own for 11 years, is it unreasonable for me to ask my BF to choose between us having a baby or him spending weekends at his dads so that he can spend time with his ex wife's son. I cannot forgive his stepson for the trouble he has and is causing between us all and the names that he has called me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007): By age 10 and 11, children know the basics of good behavior skills, right and wrong and how one respects others. If they are behaving this way now, life isn't going to get better as they grow into the challenging teen years. I agree with you...you would be nuts to bring a baby into this chaos. No tiny child should be the brunt of or witness to the obstinate, disrespectful behavior and ongoing anger of two pre-teen, out of control kids. It's time for your bf to take a stand and have a talk with his kids by setting some clear and consistant boundaries. Such as saying to them, "Kids, when you are in my home, you treat_______(you and your son's name) with respect and you use your best manners" And your bf has to stick to what he says. No hedging. These two kids need to learn to use 2 very human character traits many of us possess, which is regret and humility to apologize and begin to repair the damage caused by their lashing out behaviors. angry words. Your bf should also be talking to their Mother, to get her assistance in helping him teach these two about fairplay, honor and respect. This is not your job. Tell your bf to handle this task and be strong and forthright about it. Put a stop to having the kids come over for a month, and tell your bf that until their behavior improves, you will stand your ground. You have a little boy depending on you to protect him from this meaness that is being dumped right on his shoulders. He has a right to live harmoniously without being teased and bullied. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Angel dust  +, writes (7 November 2007):
 hi dear.... from the way you write it seems like you tired and confused... and im not blaming you. The ages of you stepchildren i guess are the worst age to deal with. These children are probably acting like this as they went through alot and they hate seeing their father loving and caring for another woman not their mother. try to be patient i know u are...and try to win their trusts... show them that you are worth getting to love u. Eventually you will succeed. You cant choose what you want from this relationship (in this case your bf) and get rid of his kids... as this is a package. A year is still early for them to trust you and get over with what they ve been trough. On the other hand another baby in the family i thin k will get the situation worse as it will make them even more jealous. Wait till the waters calm down and move to your next step :)
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female
reader, peaches83 +, writes (7 November 2007):
 If you are willing to marry this guy no matter how hard it may seem then you will have to accept his son.
Children are smart and know how to play one off against the other.
They will see it that you are taking their dad away from them and you have to show them that you are willing to share if they are.
I suggest that you take them both out one at a time and show that you can be fun adn explain to them your felings for their dad and that you are not going to leave or rebel because they are acting like this.
They have to understand that the adults are the bosses and that you will not tolerate their behaviour.
Also you need your guy to stand up next to you and say this to then also and back you up.
The baby is only something you could both decide between you. No one can know the answer of what will happen down the line. Its a case of wait and see and if a probem accurs deal with it at that time.
Be firm and down let them rule you
Peaches
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