A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong to ask my boyfriend to think about having children and getting married? We both have a daughter each, and he has been divorced for the last 3 years officially. He is 10 years older then me, and we met while he was in the process of getting his divorce. I was still with my ex at the time (my daughter's dad) and when we broke up, I ended up chatting a lot to my boyfriend online as I needed someone to talk to who didn't really know my ex,and from that we starting seeing each other a few months after his divorce came through. Recently we have moved in together, and while he has made it clear he has no intention of getting married again, I still would like to think that one day we may get married. At Christmas he got me a commitment ring with both our intitals inside. It was really lovely and it got me thinking about how much I would love to marry him one day. We share a home and a life together already but I've always been old fashioned in that respect. I have also thought about how I would like to add to our family, and when I asked him about whether he would like to have another child, while he didn't dismiss the idea, he also didn't appear as joyful as I had hoped. I want to ask hum straight out if this is something be would want to do but I don't want to ruin the good relationship we have. It's important for me to have a secure future for my daughter and I'd like to think it would be with my boyfriend. She has a brilliant relationship with him and his daughter. I just have no idea how to ask him whether marriage and more children is something he wants, rather then him just saying maybe one day.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 June 2017):
 He seems to have made it clear that he won't marry again, and you need to respect that. If you want marriage then the best thing to do is end this relationship because it will only drag you both apart. If you can live with the idea off not being married then ask him about children. Am sure if you are living together and bringing up children you can both communicate well and talk to each other, so tell him how you feel.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 June 2017):
 If he's 'made it clear' that he has no intention of ever re-marrying or having more children, what is there to ask? How can he be more clear than clear?
He may change his mind one day down the road and if he does, he'll let you know if and when that happens. Asking now after he's already 'made clear' his position is just pressuring him then it all goes downhill from there.
Wanting to be officially married is not old fashioned. It's practical. A live-in girlfriend may work as hard as a wife but she does not enjoy the same legal protection as one. Besides, what exactly is a commitment ring if he doesn't want to commit? These are rhetorical questions really.
He doesn't want to marry or have more children. Either accept that or scale back your investment in this guy.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (23 June 2017):
I think you just need to tell him what you told us - you've been thinking about it recently, you've realised that marriage is something you'd like and you were wondering where his head is at on the matter. Of course there is a chance he'll say that he's not changed his mind on it at all, but it's also possible that after 3 happy years together his thinking has changed. I know a couple of people who could never imagine getting married again after a painful divorce only to meet someone else and realise they want to further down the line. So you won't know until you ask.
However, before you do, you need to decide what you want. Are these things deal breakers or 'nice to haves'? Personally, I'm looking for marriage, both for what it represents and for practical reasons, so I wouldn't accept living together long term. In fact I didn't - I ended a 6 year relationship because he refused to commit or even talk about the future. Other people might think marriage would be nice but they can happily live without it to keep their partner happy.
You need to be honest with yourself and work out how important this is to you before you speak to him. You also need to prepare yourself as you might need to make a difficult decision.
I know some people believe it's silly to consider ending a good relationship for 'a piece of paper', but speaking from experience, if you have to sacrifice your own needs (marriage and kids) to be with him then it's not likely to stay a happy relationship long term.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2017): If he has referred to his distinterest in marriage in the last month or so, I wouldn't even risk bringing it up. He's made his intentions clear from the start, and now you're wanting what he doesn't and you're going to make him into the bad guy if he doesn't match up to your expectations.
Why not enjoy your time together a little longer- if you enjoy each other's company, what's the rush? He might change his mind about marriage, he might not. If marriage is the main goal in for you in this relationship, though, perhaps you should let this guy be before you risk destroying him for not wanting the same as you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 June 2017):
 Once a guy gets a divorce he must go through a long drawn out process of mourning the loss of being with the one he had committed his life to. Even though he may not still love her there is still that trauma of loss. Some can recover sooner than others. You might just need to wait a while until his minds gets through sporting everything out and he gets over the fear of a recurrence of the same situation happening again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2017): He doesn't want to get married again, which is fair enough. If you do want to get married, end the relationship now because you're not compatible and can't/shouldn't try to change his mind.
If you both *really* want a child, not just you desperate for one and him agreeing to it, then marriage should come first for the baby's security. If he won't marry you before having a baby, don't have one with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 June 2017):
 I think it all comes down to ONE thing. Is marriage a deal breaker for you or not.
It doesn't sound like HE wants to go through marriage and the possibility of divorce ever again and that marriage is a no go for him. A commitment ring WHATEVER that is, is his way of showing that he is committed to you. Same with living together.
You say he made it CLEAR that marriage is NOT something he wants to do again and honestly? You have to respect that. If marriage is something you WANT then HE isn't the guy for you regardless of how well you two get on.
Personally? I would not remarry if my marriage ended. Once is enough. So I do understand your Bf and where he is coming from. However, IF there is a plan or you two decide to ADD a child then maybe that no-go needs to be reconsidered. I think people can live together JUST fine without being married. But again I do think if there is an addition (in form of a child) that marriage might be a good thing.
You have been together 3 years so I think it's UTTERLY realistic that you two have a chat about the future. But the thing is ONE of you might have to compromise, are you willing to do that? Is he? How important is marriage to you? How important is having another child? You two already have 2 kids. He might NOT be able to tell you for sure what HE wants but having the chat might help you both see if yo are on the same page or not.
But hoping or guess he might/could change his mind? That is a waste of time. TALK it over. Decide if you can find a middle ground that makes you both happy or not and if not... what then?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 June 2017):
 But you have asked him already , and he said NO. In fact , no to marriage , and "uhm... yeah maybe" to adding to the family.
What else can you ask him ? if you ask him : Do you want to marry me NOW, do you want a child with me NOW- you know the answer; it's no.
If you ask him : is there a chance that you will reconsider and that you will change your mind at some point in future?- what honestly can he answer you ? " Perhaps. Possibly. Who knows. We'll see ".
That's all he can honestly say to you, I think. He can't promise you that he will change his mind, nor, though, he can exclude it 100 %. Things change, goals change, minds change. Never say never- it's just that one does not know when it's going to be ( if it's going to be ). People do change, even in important areas of their life, like changing religion, or changing country, or even changing sexual orientation. Only, most of the times they did not know about the change 5 years before , or even 5 months , because at that time it was not in their life plans yet.
You can TELL him that this is what ideally you'd like , marriage and another child. If you are a solid, healthy couple, you should be able and allowed to communicate anything that goes through your mind. That does not mean though that your wishes must be orders for him- he is allowed to have different wishes for his future.
I think you have to decide how much of a dealbreaker this is for you. If you feel that you need being married ( and another child ) to feel happy and secure , then I am afraid you are wasting your time with this guy, because you'd make your happiness depend from something uncertain and unpredictable, his change of heart.
If , on the other hand, getting married and having more kids is the cherry on the cake for you, but not the Whole cake itself,- then it is a win-win situation. If he changes his mind, great; if he does not, you are having a good relationship and a brilliant family life nevertheless.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 June 2017):
 This is a bit of a "Schrodinger's cat" situation, isn't it? While you don't ask him, you don't know whether the answer is yes or no. It could be either so you can imagine either. You will only know by talking to him but first you need to decide what is important to you. I assume the happiness of the family unit you have created is of prime importance?
These days there are many good committed relationships in which the partners are not married. Your boyfriend has been around for the last 3 years and, I assume, shown you how committed he is in his actions. Do you need a wedding ring for him to prove his commitment to you and your daughter? He already knows from bitter experience that a bit of paper and a ring do not mean the relationship will necessarily last.
You need to decide how crucial your need for marriage and another child is to your future happiness. You are lucky enough to already have two beautiful daughters between you. Would it really affect your happiness if he said he didn't want more children? Would you take this personally? What about marriage? Is that crucial to your future happiness?
My advice would be to be thankful for what you already have and tell him, while you understand his reluctance to get married again or have more children, it is something YOU think you would like. Tell him you would like to keep the channels of communication open on these topics going forward to see if he will change his mind. If not, then you will accept that and be happy with what you have - a lovely man and two beautiful daughters.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 June 2017):
 He has made his intentions clear and you need to respect this and understand that he sincerely does not want to marry again. Accept this, or move on.
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