A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in an impossible situation, not knowing which way to turn. I really need some advice but those closest to me are reluctant to tell me what I should do. I am struggling to choose between 2 men. The first is my husband. We have been together 3 years and married for 1 year. We spent a year travelling and got married while we were travelling. I was totally besotted with him and truly believed I was doing the right thing. Marriage is something I value a great deal and I believed I would spend my life with my husband. However, things took a turn for the worse when we came home to England and I can now see that we weren't living in the real world when we got married. He was very aggressive and argumentitive in our first year of marriage and has a nasty, bitter streak. He didn't show me affection and we had no sex life. He put on weight, started smoking behind my back and when he drinks he turns nasty. He has no interests in life and seems old before his time (he's 34, I'm 30). I felt he didn't make any effort in the marriage at all and he has since admitted he felt he could get away without trying once we were married. I suppose I feel that I gave him everything and I got nothing in return. Meanwhile, I developed a close friendship with a man at work, who from the moment I met him, I genuinely felt he was the nicest, kindest man I had ever met. It concerned me that I didn't feel this about the man I had married. This guy is 23 but seems older. He is very intelligent and strives to continuously better himself. He is affectionate, loving, happy and genuinely appreciates life. Our friendship developed and I'm ashamed to say I started an affair. We have a fantastic sex life also which is lacking with my husband. Eventually I told my husband I needed a break from him and told him I had fallen in love with someone else. He has spent the last 3 months telling me he will change and be the person I want him to be if I give things another go. But I have seen no signs of change so far. I am now at the stage of trying to choose between 2 men I love, who have both said they want to be with me. I feel my husband brings out the worst in me but the friend from work brings out the best in me. Do I give my husband another chance, I do still love him but I am struggling to see how he can be the person I want him to be and is it really right to want someone to change so much ? and can a leopard change its spots ? Or, do I accept that my marriage has failed and move on, giving my relationship with my work colleague a chance to work ?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2007): Wow, it's amazing to know you can actually live with the reality of cheating and hurting someone who really cares for you and really loves you, but needs some time or help to get his affection back on track with you.
A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (5 February 2007):
 I also think you should give your husband another chance. There is no hope in your marriage working if you are sleeping with another chap as all you will do is think about him and not care about your husband or his feelings. Everyone knows when you meet someone else you no longer care about the person you were once with - they are just an annoyance and a hindrance to you. Personally I would bin the young guy however great he is and try again with your husband as he really loves you and give him a chance to prove it. Explain about the sex and the smoking and try really talking to him so he actually listens and hears what you are saying. You sound like a lovely young woman , give your husband another chance.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (5 February 2007):
 Think about what you're saying. You sound very reasonable. You begin with laying a foundation that points to all your husbands weak points. Then you say...So I started an affair. Your reasons for not being happy are understandable. You can't use the moral high ground to back up your defence, then mention that .....meanwhile I met another guy....
Still, no matter what he did or didn't do, you made the bigger mistake. I think you know this. It's better to end what you've got than to complicate matters by cheating. For some reason though many of us do it backwards. If you do things properly and try to make the marriage stronger, you at least know you tried. You will forever now know that you gave in to temptation.
By the way, your husband doesn't stand a chance while you're sleeping with the young guy. You should hae put your fooy down in the marriage. Two wrongs don't make a right.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (5 February 2007):
 You told your husband you were having problems in the marriage and he said "he could get away without trying once we were married." WRONG!!! A marriage needs to be worked at and he obviously isn't trying. After all the travelling about and coming back to reality it's hit you like a ton of bricks! Even after you told him about this other guy, you said he still isn't doing anything to change. This is only my opinion but I would call it a day with him. He hasn't changed and he WON'T change! If he really loved you he would have shown positive signs already but he hasn't.
I don't know that I would run straight into the other man's arms either though? You need to get a place of your own, your own independence and take this other relationship slowly. Maybe all you're getting from this other man is love and affection that was sorely lacking from your husband? Take it slowly with this other guy but concentrate on getting out of your marriage first!
At the end of the day you need to do what YOU want. You deserve to be happy and your husband obviously isn't making you so. Don't let him put the "guilt trip" on you either. Think about it carefully then once you've made your decision go for it and DON'T LOOK BACK!
Eve
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