A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I started a relationship with a lovely man about 4 months ago and it quickly became quite intense. We have both said we love each other and I do think he is a lovely person.He has lots of good qualities, he is financially sound, has a good job and doesn't smoke. He is a social drinker only and has a very chilled, laid back attitude to life. He is also a very good father to his only child aged 10 who doesn't live with him.He is very loving and thoughtful and also very generous and extremely kind.I am 44 and went on quite a few coffee dates with other men before I found the one I am with now. I am loathe to go through all that dating again, but I am not happy and I am contemplating finishing with him.We get on great most of the time but he has a few annoying habits that I am not sure I can get past. My friends have all told me to chill out and that nobody is perfect and I understand that but how far do I tolerate it before its too far?Most of the time he is lovely but he likes to be in control and thinks he is right about everything, in a very pompous and patronising way. He cannot stand to be wrong about something and seems to take a little pleasure if he can catch you out in any way and prove you were wrong about something and he was right. the difference between us is I concede that I am probably quite often wrong and I accept that but he never would.The main thing that stresses me out though are his eating habits. this might be something personal to me but I can't stand a greedy person and he is greedy with a capital G. He also eats everything on his plate, always, he won't leave a single pea on there and practically licks the plate, I find this very offputting and maybe others reading this will wonder what I am complaining about but it really stresses me out that I have to watch him eat like that every meal time. He doesn't even look up from his plate at all from the first bite and I don't know how much longer I can stand watching him do it.reading this back it seems so petty but I know how stressed I get by it all. In other ways, he is wonderful and he has already said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and at times, I feel the same way.Our physical relationship is absolutley amazing and I am loathe to give that up.I think I am staying with him because I don't want to go back to the single life and the endless dating games. Am I being fair to myself and also to him by staying with him when I have all these doubts? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (1 September 2010):
 I can't speak for your fella, but I know I'd be WAY more sensitive about finding out that I can come across as patronizing than finding out that I have disgusting table manners. Maybe try pushing your finger on your nose so it makes it look like a little piggy nose and make a couple of snort noises when he licks the plate... flash a cheeky grin afterward. It's funny, unlikely to offend a guy and can be done multiple times until he gets the point. Just an idea.
And tennistar, I was the king of not finishing vegetables. Its embarrassing thinking of how many times I sneaked vegetables into my pockets and emptied them into the garden. That was my offering to the snails.... I blame the "No dessert until you've finished your vegetables" policy... :P
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (1 September 2010):
 Haha jmtmj, you know what I forgot to mention I could never eat all those green veggies, so leaving half of my broccoli was my offering to those children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for your replies, it has given me a lot to think about. Jmtmj was especially thought provoking in his reply to me.I told him last night about his always wanting to be right and he was genuinely shocked, he doesn't see himself in that way but conceded that he might come across like that. One hurdle down and one to go!Regarding the eating thing, I know I would be quite offended if someone thought I was genuinely greedy so I am not sure how to approach it. I have made references before to him licking the plate clean in a humorous way to defuse the situation but he hasn't caught on.Not sure how to handle that part, I do want to make it work with him as in most other things, he really is lovely.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (31 August 2010):
I never EVER suggest to anybody that they should hang around in the hopes of changing their partner... but if these habits are the only real things causing your doubts- then from what you've told us, I totally don't believe that he couldn't or wouldn't want to make an effort to adjust, provided of course that he is aware of how off-putting his habits are to you personally.
One question though... Does he know that he's pushing your "pet peeve" buttons or is he completely oblivious? I personally get irritated by girls who leave billions of bobby pins EVERYWHERE and would sooner buy another packet of 200 than pick up a single one... but until I let them know that it bugs me, there's not a chance in hell that they'll do anything about it. They're all oblivious to my silly pet peeve ;)
And tennistar88, I too was raised to finish everything on my plate because starving children apparently wanted my broccoli and peas for some reason... Now I'm getting mixed signals :S Should I leave one pea on the plate just to be safe??
Seriously though, he sounds like a good guy and you sing his praises way more than you critisize him... I think you should really give him a decent shot. Then again, if these things bug you THAT much then you only have to justify your reasons for breaking up with him to yourself and to hell with what anyone else thinks.
The dating scene sucks, but settling for someone who really irritates you on a daily basis is even worse.
Anyhoo, best of luck :)
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A
male
reader, mrvhappy +, writes (31 August 2010):
Hi there,
Practically ALL of my mates/work collegues are like this..so for me this is the norm!!
Many guys can be pompus/controlling if they have lived alone for a while. You dont say what he does for a living, so the controlling/pompus/trying to catch you out maybe indicative of his job.
As for eating everything on his plate, in some cultures this is a good thing, it shows that he enjoys the (yr?) cooking.
Have you discussed his annoying habits with him?...and whilst you are on the subject ask him what annoying habits you have...and then see if you can come to a compromise so that you dont irratete each other too much ....and look to build the posiitve side of yr realtionship so that you can possibly move forward.
Good Luck..and like you friends say..No-ones perfect....relationships are about compromise
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): You are finding fault,doesnt it tell you that you two are not suited?. Youre right,i too think youre staying with him because you dont want to be single.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): Was he in a big family? Or poor? That would make sense that he was eager to make the most of the food on the plate. Though I feel the problem isn't him it's you because this is so petty
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (31 August 2010):
Oh bad table manners is a pet peeve of mine. I mean did his mother raise him in a barn? My mother always told me to finish my plate because there were starving children in third world countries that would be grateful for food, this man doesn't even leave a morsel. Being a slob at the table is something I couldn't live with either. The pompous, controlling, "I'm never wrong" attitude I could deal with but to eat dinner with someone who makes me want to go throw mine up, no! If he won't agree to etiquette classes then I would make a break for it before he tries to finish off your plate too.
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A
female
reader, galfrend  +, writes (31 August 2010):
l think you should tell him but gently without humiliating him if it bothers you that much.bare in mind that he probably has had this harbit much of his life so breaking it would be difficult for a 40 something year old guy.on a lighter note maybe you are a great cook and he just cant help himself.
l think you should give this guy a break trust me.l would rather have a guy who eats like a pig, cares about his child,is financially secure and good in bed than the man that l had who used to beat me up and verbally abuse me.
people are not perfect but there are worse things that he could be doing(drugs).you probably also have terrible habits that he overlooks. so give him a break enjoy your man gal.
love
galfrend
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