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female
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anonymous
writes:Guys please tell me what you think. I work with three men and eight women and one of the men I seem to have a really good working relationship with. He laughs and banters with all the women in a friendly way but when we are on our own he touches my arm, run his finger down my nose, then yesterday he came into my office to tell me something and stroked the top of my head as he made a quick exit. I would love to ask if he does this with the other women but if I did ask it would show up he was doing it to me. We are both in our 50's and going through marriage break ups just now but I really feel comfortable in the presence of this guy but he is my employer and I am having a lot of trouble guaging whether there is more going on so I would like to know if you were doing this to a woman would you like her more than the average work colleague?I may be in my 50' but I probably have less experience in relationships with men the average 20 to 30 year old so I really need your thoughts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): I understand how you feel that you have met someone who makes you feel attractive and like they really like you, but you say it does not come around often....and that may or may not be true. You are newly seperated so have not really been out there looking, just remember that, and he also is in the same situation, so he may be out there looking.
I think you both have already made fools of yourselves with all the nose touching and the head patting, so what are you worried about there? (I mean that in a joking way, but it is kind of true isn't it?) I think you would be best to just follow his lead. If he does not ask you out or kiss you outside of work, then I would just move on.
I think you are headed for trouble, as I have never seen one of these boss, employee relationships ever progress to anything outside of the office, but I am sure it happens, I just don't know of any. I myself have been in your situation before, and it did not work out and I was the on who quit my job, so I would never do it again....but that is just me, and I am about your age.
You may want to just get out there and meet some new people without all the complications of work. When you see someone every day at work it is easy to get emotionallly attached, it happens, doesn't mean you have to act on it, but it is hard not to, I know.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice and views on the situation. It is impossible for me to change jobs as I am quite senior myself. If body language is anything to go by there is no jealousy from the office`staff except maybe two other senior women employees who do not speak to me first and look as if their faces will crack if they return a smile!
There is no question of suing him if a relationship failed, I admit it could be awkward but I have met quite a few who have got to know each other through my line of work. I have been seperated from my husband for 18 months and that is a good point because on the one hand it feels wrong to be interested in someone else, on the other hand this is only the 2nd time in my life I have felt like this about someone and it seems equally a bad idea to try to let go of someone who has made me feel like this as it does not seem to come around very often. I also do not wish to make a complete idiot of myself by telling him how I feel if the vibes I feel are just wishful thinking.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): Well, it is sexual harassment if it is unwanted attention, but from the sounds of your posts, he is giving you signs he is considering you as a sexual partner, and you are definately into him.
The biggest problem with this is you work for him, if he sleeps with you and then changes his mind later on and does not follow through with a relationship, you could sue him for sexual harassment as you could say he made your job miserable, or he implicitly threatens to fire you....
That and all your co-workers are noticing the sexual banter going on between you which can also cause jealousy and feelings of favoritism among the ranks.
Does your employer have any policy with regard to office dating? I still think you might look for other employment if you want this affair to begin....I realize you are ready, but are you ready for the fallout if it does not progress to a romantic relationship. You mentioned that he is going through a divorce (and so are you?), this is a particularly vulnerable time, and he may mostly need an ego boost....and not be ready to offer you a relationship....if you are both in it for just the sex, then I guess you need to have an adult conversation and go from there. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (4 March 2007):
 I wan't serious about the suing part but it does sound like he is interested in you. In all fairness though, you must agree that in this day and age, people don't usually stroke others heads or anything else in the workplace. It most often means nothing and we over react to things like that but it does make most people scared.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is definately not doing it as sexual harrassment as there is no sexual implication to it. He does hold my gaze occasionally and we do communicate with a look across a crowded room often appearing to know what the other one is trying to say. I have noticed other office staff looking at us when we are together and they seem a cross between amused and pleased as he is well liked. I have actually touched him too, such as stroking the top of his head with a notepad when I have been teasing him or pretend to strangle him when he does something annoying and he just laughs and seems to love every minute. Sometimes he phones me for very trivial work related things and asks my advice. I feel so at home with him there is no question of sexual harrassment, I would sleep with him like a shot and that is saying something because I haven't had sex for over 20 years. He may be the one to sue me! I just cannot make out whether he see me as a surrogate sister or a potential mate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2007): If this guy is your employer your boss, he should not be touching you in such a personal way, I would pull away next time and see if he gets the hint....if you tell him you like him, what are you going to do if he denies he ever came onto you? This could get really awkward and you will lose your job.
If you are more interested in the romance, then be looking for another job, if you feel sexually harassed then put a stop to it, you could sue, but it is really hard to prove sexual harassment.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (3 March 2007):
 You said he laughs and banters with all the women so it might be that he's just the friendly type. Watch him more closely in the next couple of weeks and see if you see him doing the same with the others. Watch his eye movements with you too. Does he hold your gaze? Do you find him stealing glances over at you when in a crowd? Do you find he favours you over the others? Does he give you more attention? Put him on trial for a couple of weeks and watch him carefully. If you still think he likes you more than a friend then you could pop your head round his office door casually one night as you leave and ask him if he wants to go for something to eat or for a quick drink! See how he responds.
He might be outwardly friendly with everyone but finds it difficult to actually ask you out so you'd be doing him a favour here. IF he says no and doesn't make another date then you know he is only being friends but if he says "yeah sure, why not?" then you know you've hit the jackpot! :o)
Eve
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (3 March 2007):
If you don't want to go out with him but need some cash, you could probably sue him quite easily. Does he like you? Its quite possible. He's a little forward though considering he's your employer. It's not really appropriate.
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female
reader, nicola79 +, writes (3 March 2007):
 Go for it,ask him out,my mum is in her early 50s and she says what are the signs if someone likes you,What I said to her and what im saying to you is trust your judgement and if you feel the conneciton then whats stopping you??
The worst that can happen is that he says no,but from what you have said I dont think he will.
Do it when its only you too there and say if he is not ready then thats fine,just say its just a casual drink and see how it goes,I hope it works out for you xxxxxxxxxxxxx
ps- when you do go out with him,you can then ask if he is flirty with all the girls or not?xxxxxxxxxx
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