A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Do people who are emotionally abusive really love you, but need proffessional help, or do they not really love you ?. I need to get out of a relationship with my emotionally abusive boyfriend, but i'm finding it hard to let go. Can anyone help ?. I've even stopped going out with friends as my self esteem is so low. I just don't enjoy doing much any more. it also doesn't help that i am unemployed and have also been emotionally abused by my family sometimes . I am 27 and my boyfriend is 26, if that helps.
View related questions:
emotionally abusive, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 November 2011):
 it does NOT matter if it's just you or every woman.. it is what it is right now
WHAT about this man do you love.
do you love HIM NOW as he is or do you love his potential or do you stay thinking your not worthy of better?
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (18 November 2011):
 He might or might not be abusive with another woman. the point is, he is emotionally unstable and deranged.
What YOU should be concerned with is not whether he'd treat someone else so badly; it's how he's treating YOU and ruining YOUR life that counts!!
Once more: ACCEPT that he has ditched you. Be GLAD he has for the opportunity it gives you to start over.
You need to be your own best friend and advocate. If it was a friend of yours who was in the situation you're in, wouldn't you urge her to get out and get help? Of course you would.
So, do the same for you. Get your life back on track and hopefully you'll eventually meet a decent man who will genuinely care about you. He doesn't.
Oh, and by the way, the fact that he threatens to call the police when you persist in trying to contact him, is an ENORMOUS red flag. He views you as a potential stalker. Now, you don't mean to be one, and you don't want to run the risk of being labeled as such!
Also, if he has lost contact with his friends, and only sees his parents sometimes, well, that's his lookout. Sure, you can feel sorry for him, BUT you don't have to (and should not) try to fix it. His health and well-being are HIS responsibility, NOT YOURS!
Finally, pray for him, wish him well, but CUT OFF ALL CONTACT! He is not good for you!! Start taking care of YOURSELF.
...............................
A
female
reader, Auntie5 +, writes (18 November 2011):
As others have said, abusive people are damaged. Some of them do love you in some fashion, and some are only with you to meet their own needs. Without knowing your boyfriend, it's impossible to say whether he truly loves you or not. Whether he does or not, though, he isn't capable of a healthy, loving relationship.
This will not change, no matter who he dates. So unless he gets counseling and works hard to heal the damage within himself, he will treat all the women he dates the same way he treats you.
And by saying that he'll treat all women the same as he treats you, I don't mean in every detail. Abusive people look for their victims' insecurities and exploit those to exert control. So the method he used against you to destroy your self-esteem will not be the same method he uses against his next girlfriend. However, the end result (cruelly manipulating a woman's sense of self) will be the same.
You need to let him go; begging him to come back is the worst possible thing you can do. Ultimately it will only make you feel worse.
I know from experience how devastating it is to be tossed aside by an emotional abuser. When my marriage was in the process of breaking up I thought my whole life would end without him, and knowing that I had to be there for my children was the only thing that kept me going. I struggled through without counseling--a major misjudgment on my part, and I do _not_ recommend it. But eventually I did heal. Now I realize that what I thought was the end of the world--my ex wanting a divorce--was really the best gift he could've given me. My self-esteem was so low that I could not have left him on my own, but staying with him would have destroyed me in the long run.
Abusive people do create a sort of addiction to them in their victims. You think you cannot survive without his attention, even though he's manipulative and cruel, because he's convinced you that he's the only person in the world who will ever care about you. And getting over him is just like a drug addiction: the withdrawal period is the hardest. But it has to be done, for your own health and sanity.
Get counseling, and start spending time with your friends again. They are undoubtedly worried about you and will be happy that you're moving on from this guy. It may look impossible right now, but you will get through this and be a stronger person because of it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2011): Do you think he would be like this with any woman he meets, or is it just me ?. I'm worried that he will meet a woman that he thinks is better than i am, and that he wont treat her the way he treated me, and that he will end up better than me.
I'll write more tomorrow. I'm going to try and get some sleep as it's late here, although i don't feel like sleeping as i'm so upset.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (18 November 2011):
Sorry, but you are not helping yourself if you keep calling texting him. Seriously, you're not.
You may love him, but this relationship is damaging to you. It is NOT in your best interests to keep in contact with this man. By begging him to come back, you are dragging yourself down. You do realize that, don't you?
Yes, it's hard because you are kind of addicted to him. Addictions and old habits can be difficult to break.
You said he has now finished with you. You know, while you are crying and upset over this, really, it's a blessing in disguise!
Get yourself into counselling, find and join an employment support group to help you get a job and whatever you do, DO NOT move in with him! For you that would be taking three steps backward!
Hope this helps - have courage to get up and get moving!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2011): i'm finding it hard to leave because i love him a lot, but one minute he wants to be with me and then he doesnt. he has finished with me, or threatened to finish with me, lots of times. i know i should leave him for good and not be treated in this way any more, but its hard. sometimes he tells me not to speak to him for days too when we have argued.i guess i also find it hard to leave because i dont have much else going on in my life too. i feel so pathetic as i keep calling him and texting him as if i am begging him to stay with me. he even called me retarded !. he threatens to get the police too when i keep trying to contact him.he has lost contact wih a lot of friends he had when he was younger, and i am the only person that he has had a relationship with. He only sees his mum, and rarely sees his dad, and never sees any other family members. i'm crying now as i'm writing this because he has just finished with me again.i don't live with him, although recently he said tat he wanted us to move in together when he gets a new job next year.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 November 2011):
Emotionally abusive people love to the best of their ability.
IF you need to get out and can't we need to worry about YOU not him...
what is making it so hard to leave?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 Loving you and not loving you isn't related to being abusive. Sure, abusive people can love, but some abusers don't love. There's no way of telling whether or not he loves you, because he is damaged and doesn't know how to show a healthy expression of feelings. So he damages you instead. Had he been a healthy individual you would have been able to tell if he loves you or not. But being damaged as he is, there is no way you can tell.
Would it make a difference? My father loves his children, but he doesn't know how to express his feelings in a healthy way, and none of his children are comfortable speaking to him, my one brother avoids him and the other has cut him completely out of his life, and I try to avoid him as much as I can as well. I know he cares, but he is damaging for me to be around, and I can't allow that to happen, no matter how much he cares. I briefly stay in touch with him because I know he cares for his children, and because him being my father I care for him. But I can't be alone in the same room as him for too long, I can't stay the night at the same place as him, we rare meet, I try to not talk with him on the phone too much. Basically, I try to keep as much distance between us as possible. Even though I know he loves me.
So what should you do? Believe that he loves you, if it makes you feel better, but that doesn't change the fact that he is abusive and damaging to you, and that you need to separate yourself from him. It's not your fault, it's his problem that he is the way he is. He does need help from a psychiatrist, but more often than not abusers do not change.
You're finding it hard to let go not because he might love you, but because he's got a good and tight grip around you. Thats what abusers do. They trap you down so you can't leave. Not because they love you, but because they have a need to own you and control you. And that is the reason you must leave. No one leaves a relationship because they are LOVED or unloved, there is very often love there. But a relationship can NOT work on love alone, and when everything else sucks, and especially when he is abusive, love is no reason at all to stay.
Your heart is big, you can love again. What you are feeling towards him right now isn't love. What you are feeling is loss and lack of anything better to move on to, he's got you trapped and left you no options but him, and he's made you scared to move on. It isn't love.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (17 November 2011):
Emotionally abusve people are psychologically damaged, and get satisfaction out of controlling another person - gives them a sense of power. Yes, they DO need professional help if they are to ever become whole again.
However, the point for YOU, is that you desperately need to cut off all ties with your boyfriend because often emotional abuse can turn to physical violence. Not something you want to run the risk of!
I would strongly advise you to seek the support of a good counselor, and a women's support group that specializes in helping women in your situation. Do you live with him? If so, can you find somewhere else to live? With friends, or a trustworthy family member, even a women's shelter, until you can get back on your feet. If you have experienced abuse from your family, you will need a lot of assistance to learn to cope with healing from that, in addition to building up your self esteem. Not to mention coaching and assistance in finding employment.
In the meantime, if you can begin seeing your friends again, that would be a good idea.
Please let us know how else we can help you!
...............................
|
