A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Do all men play games? I realize I've been out of the dating scene for most of my adult life due to a long term relationship that ended. I am seeing a new guy, and we've been together for about a year but I still get the feeling at times, that he plays games with me. After reading a few relationship books, talking with other single women, and seeing about a dozen of episodes of "Sex-and-the City" I'm starting to think it's impossible to side-step the games. My b/f will kiss me good-bye in the morning, and tell me he wants to have lunch. My lunch hour is at 12:00 but he'll wait until 12:30 and then call to see if I still want to have lunch (or not call at all which I feel is really inconsiderate because I could've made plans with one of my girlfriends). So I'm guessing he really didn't want to have lunch to begin with, or he got a better offer from one of his female co-workers. His excuses range from, 'got busy and forgot', to 'was in a meeting'....But it only takes a minute to text me, or shoot a brief email "gotta bail on lunch, maybe tomorrow"....I usually try not to make a big deal out of it but I've mentioned to him a few times that I don't like to be left hanging; but then he acts like I'm being too clingy when I just feel like it's common courtesy. I just get the feeling sometimes men are always confused about their feelings so they're constantly going back and forth in their heads, constantly pulling away when things get close, being distant or detached emotionally, but when we give them some space, start doing things with our other friends, they panicks and go to elaborate efforts to prove their undying love. It's exhausting. Any suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): I know what you mean, a guy that seemed to be pursuing me, is still just flirting and not really following through, although he has some obstacles right now that are getting in his way.
If this guy is your boyfriend and he is standing you up for luch in my opinion he is taking you for granted and he is bucking and fighting for his freedom, he does not want you to get the idea that you have him locked down and whipped....even though he very well may be.
It does ge exhausting playing their games, but sometimes you just have to buck up and do it....the way you handle his inconsiderateness is to back off yourself, when he comes over to your house for sex, send him home afterwards, tell him you are busy, have an early morning meeting and you need your rest, or don't let him come over just for sex, put him on a dating schedule and only see him when you have a planned date.....he needs to get the idea that if he continues to be inconsiderte of you, you will remove yourself from this relationship, you will be fine without him...this is not really a game either, because you are not happy being treated this way and if it continues you will leave him, and we have to teach people how to treat us....that is our job in a relationship after all isn't it?
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (25 June 2007):
 Not all men play games. Next time he asks to meet you for lunch agree but casually throw in if he stands you up or doesn't let you know he can't make it then you won't meet him again for lunch while you're at work. Don't make a big song and dance about it though. I'm sure once that's been said he'll make that extra effort.
Eve
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A
female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (25 June 2007):
 Just remember "Sex in the City" is just a movie sitcom. I can understand at times it feels like some of the single men might be playing games, but there are still a "few good men" out there. I will agree that if someone commits to a date, any kind even lunch date, that means you are stating you want to see that person at a particular time and day. If for whatever reason you can't make it, common courtisy would be to let the other party know you can't make it...however that may be. If this happens often, I would not feel as if he is that interested or concerned with my feelings or even me, no matter what he says afterwards. It's not about being "clingy" either, it's about courtesy, respect and concern towards another. You might need to ask yourself, is he like this in other areas and does he handle himself the same way? Does he think and care of my feelings? Men I think do tend to back off when things get to "heated" for them. But I won't say all men. However, those that do, I think it's because they are scared and they just don't know how to handle "that" type of situation. Which then also leads me to believe they could be like this in other areas. Men that can handle difficult or a situation that is uncomfortable tend to be more understanding to feelings and towards others. I personally don't believe in game playing. If a guy has to do that to think that is how you have to "catch" a woman, then he can catch another. I personally like a man to be real, himself, and most importantly, a commuicator. One who will listen as I would listen to him, one who is understanding as I would be and one whom I know who would be there for me as I would be there for him. They are out there, unfortunately, just few and far between. However, I am not one to settle...I'll wait till he comes along.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 June 2007):
 Not all men play games, madam. Maybe your boyfriend is inconsiderate, or maybe he is indeed playing you. One third option could be that you're somewhat insecure about the relationship (I wouldn't know with the information I have available)
It is true that many of us, if not most, do play games. Now, won't you please consider the other side of the coin: I have not yet been involved with a woman who WON'T play games. I know many who don't; but I have never had the luck of being involved with any of them. A fact of life is that you need to grow claws. Things are not as simple as believing that we are all no good since birth.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (25 June 2007):
 Well if you think he is playing games with you play him at his own game, if he says in the morning when he leaves i'll see you for lunch just say sounds great.
Then go to work and arrange lunch with one of the girls and if he forgets or was too busy then just turn around and say 'do you know what i completely forgot all about it i went to lunch with so and so', after a couple of occasions like that he will probably get the message that you do not like being messed about.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, floraltemptaions  +, writes (25 June 2007):
While I am a lot younger then you, I still have some decent insight on this...
I always thought similar things when I first started seeing my love, but since being with him for 5 yrs I have begun to understand. When we first dated he would say in passing that he'd call & maybe we could hang out or something... and I'd wait at home, waiting for the call that would never come. At first I used to get hurt & feel insecure that he didnt want to hang out with me... (jumping to conclusions of course) but soon came to realize after I approached him on this subject a couple of times that men are sometimes not as serious as we are! That even though someone says maybe we'll hang out- he doesnt always mean it, or says it but doenst mean he'll follow through. I became much more independant, and made my own plans for what I wanted all the time, and soon he was begging to be scheduled in! Try being busy with your own life, make those lunch plans with your girlfriends and dop your own thing, and I am sure he will come around!
Good luck!
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