A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My problem is I can't stay away from other women. I have been married 9 years and we have two children. I love to flirt and make love with other women but I feel guilty. I am happy with my wife and we have good sex every week (or so). I don't want divorce, but I get bored looking at her body. I wish I could have many wives. Other married men my age think the same thing. Do you think all men feel like they are kept in jail away from other women when they are married?
View related questions:
divorce, flirt, in jail Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, complete  +, writes (23 May 2009):
Those who are polygamist or polyamorous do. Choose what you want for your life and let others decide what they want.
Quite simple really.
A
female
reader, coucou206  +, writes (2 February 2009):
 You shouldnt be sleeping with other women!No No No! Its not good, its decieving and unkind and guess who'll be worse off when it becomes unstuck?Not you, your FAMILY! It will rip them apart.Coucou xxx
...............................
A
male
reader, change12  +, writes (31 January 2009):
hi,
I am happily married, but yes, the fantasy to being with other men always dance in my head and I am sure it does for my husband as well, but unfortunately, as others have said, if you want to secure your family and your wife, you better stay monogamous, or really talk to her and set up new rules.
so, I am sure she is making the sacrifice to be faithful to you, but you are not. if you are a great secret hider and lier, then is your choice, but if not eventually she will find out and you will be look as a real jerk. if I was your wife and find out, of course I will leave you.
and about nature and men wanting to spread the seeds, well, NOT TRUE! i am an anthropology major and we all agree that social morals are stronger than "nature", after all, isn't our intelligence what make us a different species?
good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (30 January 2009):
Ariel and the anonymous female are correct - if one is not giving 100% to the relationship, it will suffer, on many levels. If a partner is cheating behind the other's back, then essentially they are lying and being deceitful, and when behaving in this fashion, it is not possible to be giving 100%. It will have a negative impact on the relationship, in psychological and emotional aspects, damaging the union and both partners in ways you just don't realize.
It doesn't matter where my beliefs and attitudes stem from. All I know is that I feel it in my heart, in every ounce of my being, that it is not right to cheat. And I know it is something that I am not going to do. It is not something I want to do. But, just in case I find myself feeling the urge, that is why I don't put myself in a situation of temptation in the first place. That probably sounds contradictory, for if I say I know I'm not going to cheat, then why even worry about being tempted in the first place? I cannot answer that question at the moment. I suppose it is just a form of insurance. It is just how I choose to live my life. It is what feels right to me. It is behavior which upholds the respect I have for my union with my partner. It is behavior which upholds the respect I have for myself. It is behavior which reinforces my beliefs, attitudes, morals, character, and reputation, all of which are extremely important to me. I don't care what other people think of me in many senses, but I do want them to know they can count on me if they need to. I do want them to know I live my life a certain way. It makes it easier to attract others into my universe that feel the same way as I do. Those are the people I'd rather associate with. Those are the people I'd rather build relationships with, both personally and professionally.
I am an extremely honest person. Honesty and truth are the foundation of everything I do, both personally and professionally. This is how I am, and I expect the others in my life to behave the same way. I don't understand how anyone else could possibly live otherwise. It is difficult for me to comprehend. Yet, I find deceit and lies all around me. It turns my stomach. But, as I've stated, I can only control what I do, not what anyone else does.
For me, being loyal to one man makes me feel whole. Otherwise, I know I would feel fragmented. And the relationship would be fragmented. My goal in life is to perpetually move toward ever higher levels of consciousness and spirituality, within myself and within my relationships, including a relationship with a higher being (God). This will be a lifelong process, but it will never be possible for me personally to grow toward this unless I am living my life with the highest standards of morals and ethics. For me, the foundation of these morals and ethics starts with truth and honesty. I am no saint by any means, and I don't consider myself better than anyone else. I've got a lot of growing to do, and a long long way to go. No one ever completely gets there. It is just something we strive for throughout our lives. But I do make myself accountable to myself, if that makes any sense. It all has to start there.
Though above I've referenced God, I am not what you'd call religious. I would say I am spiritual, though. However, I can't help but think that in today's world, we are living in a modern day, worldwide Soddom and Gomorrah. Two cities of ultimate sin. Remember what happened to them? They were destroyed in the end...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): If we give our heart away to too many men, then the man we are with might only get 1/2 of it. that's not much. Giving 100% of our love to him, and he 'should' be very satisfied. but apparently, you are not. you'd rather have a liason with another mans wife.
These men are not very appealing to those of us who want a deeper love only a monogamous relationship will give. We are just too selfish and don't want to share.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSensitive, you say, "I just can't be with more than one man at a time. I don't want to be. It runs against everything I believe in."
I don't want to drag this out, and maybe a PM would be better, but this idea of "everything I believe in" has prompted a question/ issue that has been very much on my mind.
You are talking about a moral code of ethics - and they must come from somewhere. The standard answer is from your religion, or from your parents or from your environment when you were young. A more esoteric answer is you got them genetically, inherited from your family tree. Such behavior would protect you from having another man's baby - a behavior that could have been very dangerous in the past.
Have you tried to look inward and examine where this "belief" comes from? I have lived in several undeveloped countries in my life and have observed very different moral codes. Stealing can be considered very serious, or only a minor crime. But fidelity to a spouse seems to be quite universal. Although some cultures allow more than one spouse, that does not mean the men are promiscuous with many women - marriage first, then sex.
So, in a way, our Western society is a bit unique with regard to our promiscuity. Any deeper thoughts you might have on why you feel compelled to be loyal to one man?
If this is too deep for you, don't feel obligated to answer. It is something of interest to me - if you have any input.
...............................
A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (29 January 2009):
Well, we are all different, and I have to respect that much, anyway. Even if the differences are completely foreign to my own inclinations.
Yes, you are correct in that there are many married women who have affairs, sex outside the marriage/relationship, cheat, whatever one wants to call it (I believe the gap is closing on the statistics of men having affairs vs. women), or who would jump at having an affair. Affairs are something I don't agree with and would never consider for myself, but I can only control what I do, not what anyone else does. I can expect the same behavior and standards in my partner, but I cannot control what my partner does, only what I do. I can communicate those standards and the fact that I expect the same in return (and I have), but that does not mean it won't happen.
You are far from the only man who thinks the way you do. There are almost as many women who think the way you do in turn (you've found that out through personal experience). I don't condone anyone cheating, be it male or female, single or married. But, it does go on, all the time. It seems to be so prevalent in society, now more than ever. So no, you are not alone. You are one of many, both male and female.
If both partners agree to extramarital sex, then that is fine. They are both consenting adults, and what goes on in their relationship is between them, not what the rest of the world thinks or expects. I don't have a problem with that, though it is not how I choose to live my life.
To me, it becomes an issue when one partner is doing whatever they want behind the other's back. It's just not fair to the partner in the dark. It basically makes the whole entire relationship a lie.
Generally speaking, b/c of my beliefs and attitudes toward infidelity and cheating, whenever I feel an attraction toward another man (and I do at times), I tend to avoid that person. I avoid conversation if possible, and I avoid eye contact. I don't want to do anything to encourage the other person. I don't want to put myself in a position of having to say no, though if I happen to be in this situation, I would say no, absolutely. This, despite the fact I believe my fiance has cheated, or is currently cheating. I could easily get back at him behind his back. But this is not my style, and two wrongs don't make a right. Am I strongly attracted to other men? Yes, sometimes I am. But I have my own convictions which I strongly uphold for myself, and I respect the sanctity and meaning of a serious, committed, and what is supposed to be monagomous relationship. I have enough self-control that I know I will never cheat. Even if I had permission to do so from him - I just can't be with more than one man at a time. I don't want to be. It runs against everything I believe in. The thought just doesn't feel right.
At least you know how you feel and what you prefer, and you realize more than likely your wife would not reciprocate. I hope you find the will and the strength to stop cheating, and I hope you are able to focus more on the importance of all the other aspects of your union with your wife.
I don't know if you are a sex addict, but try doing some reading up on that subject. You will start to realize the deep negative psychological impact this affliction has on a relationship, even when the other partner is completely unaware of what's going on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToo Sensitive - Maybe I was just cut out of a different cloth than most married people. I would not be jealous or upset if my wife had a sexual relationship with another man. She's an excellent wife - great with the kids, great in bed. But if she wants the thrill of an affair with another man, I understand completely.
Its not the kind of thing I want to discuss at the dinner table. And I believe the bonds of our marriage are strong enough that she would not want a divorce.
What seems natural to me is for a man and woman to "pair bond" for life. This means creating and looking after the family, making a secure and ample home for the children, and sharing our lives together. That's different from monogamy - which means sex with only one woman after marriage.
But these are my innermost thoughts and I must agree that having a monogamous relationship in marriage is the best way to insure that a marriage is kept secure.
One other point... despite all the women in this forum who claim to be monogamous, I certainly have had no trouble finding married women who looking for some extra excitement in their lives. So I cannot be the only with the inclination to have a casual sexual interlude every once in a while.
...............................
A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (28 January 2009):
Put yourself in your wife's shoes. How would you feel if she felt and acted the way you do? How would you feel if you knew she was bored with looking at your body? How would you feel if you found out she flirted with other men when you weren't around? How would you feel if you found out she had been sleeping around behind your back? Would any of this bother you?
When you are able to do this, then you might start to have empathy for how she would feel if she were to find out just what you've been up to. Don't say, "well, she's not, and she doesn't, and she hasn't". Imagine it, really imagine it. Then remind yourself that apparently she is not aware of what you've been doing...so how do you really know she hasn't been doing the same? She probably isn't, but just let yourself have that thought, just for a moment...and see how you feel about that prospect. Maybe she does know, and she's just never let on. Some women find out, keep the knowledge to themselves (for various reasons, particularly to maintain a certain lifestyle, or for the kids), and seize it as an opportunity to retaliate...all behind their husband's back. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, as they say. Consider that possibility for a moment.
If you don't like the thought of any of that, then maybe that will give you the strength to stop, and to start appreciating your wife a bit more. You've indicated that you want to stop, or plan to stop, but that doesn't mean you will stop. I hope for everyone's sake that you do stop. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll of you have been very helpful in bringing this issue into focus for me. The true desires and subtle forms of communication between sexes is something that is rarely discussed openly and honestly. In fact, this whole forum is very valuable to people who everyone who is brave enough to ask some very private questions. Western societies often claim to be open and honest about sex education, but clearly a lot of the important details never get discussed. This is too bad because marriage and sexual relationships are integral parts of our lives - and yet we just kind of stumble into them blindly, often learning only after we have made mistakes.Again, thank you all. And special thanks to Satindesire for her honest but non-judgmental comments.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSatindesire, I value your comments because they are honest cut through any BS. In your latest post, you said,"We wear makeup and look beautiful for our own self esteem and because when we feel beautiful we feel strong,... I'm not trying to tempt another man with the way I look, I'm merely dressing for my benefit and [for my boyfriend's]."I am sure you dress for these reasons, but are you being totally honest here? As a man I also dress with a coat and tie appropriate to my work place, but I also feel inside like I am wearing the best clothes I can afford as a way of "fishing" for some woman who finds me attractive. All it takes is a shy smile from or a little flirtation and I know the chemistry might be right.In fact, your icon sends that same message. If a young woman were to look at me like that, of course I would be interested. Indeed, I have seen the "temptation game" so many times at a bar, etc. in the US, I have found it all very frustrating. A woman will give me a seductive look, and then go out of her way to ignore me. It's kind of a power trip, or something I don't understand.But in our daily lives, isn't there an element of game playing is how you dress too? I think that is human nature for some men and women to send messages to the opposite sex - even if they are not really ready to act on it. It is kind of the human form of estrus.
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (26 January 2009):
 In America, women have freedom, and we rather like it that way. But yes, if married it is best to take care of your spouse faithfully.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses and advice. I guess it is kind of like driving a car - you follow the rules, or you can't drive the car! If I want to be married (which I do), then I must follow the rules (monogamy).Sometimes I wish all the women all wore clothes like Muslim women - then I wouldn't be tempted.I guess it is a rhetorical question, but doesn't it seem strange that married women wear sexy clothes that show cleavage, short skirt and wear make-up? They look so beautiful? Why do wives look so sexy when they only want a monogamous relationship and want their husband to be monogamous too?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): What you suggest simply doesn't mix with the typical peaceful and harmonious family life. This style could infuse you with a rhythm that will be hard to stop. Some have turned these escapades into a constant reality and when it was time to settle down it was hard to continue at a lower velocity. They were too used to the thrill and dynamic of the affairs. Hence restarting a family later on could be problematic. However if you don't want to limit your sex life to the structure of the regnant norms, set your wife free and pursue this lifestyle, if you like. Read more about swingers, they are a category who treats sex as any social activity and enjoys to experiment the new trends. I'm sure you don't need to be warned about precautions you need to take in this environment. You are missing the perfect joy though of being dedicated to a single person that offers you alone everything you need and to whom you can feel happy to give just as much in return.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI like some of these answers a lot. I feel like something inside of me is making it happen... it would happen with any woman. "Infidelity doesn't simply happen, you are led to it." Is that true or is it a woman's wish? I think the later. "On the individual level, a man today must decide whether the comfort and security of family and a faithful wife is preferred over his desire to spread his seed." That is probably the most accurate analysis. I don't like the anthropological term "spread his seed". To me it is more accurate to say, "Act on his genetic impulse". I certainly don't want to make babies... I feel the thrill of the chase, and the rush of hormones that come from enjoying the normally hidden fruits of another woman.But surely, in our modern, developed countries, serial promiscuity is regarded as incompatible with a healthy marriage. I can't help but think of Bill Clinton and Monica. Plus, I know in our offices our after hours drinks with the secretaries is more than simply unwinding.I really like satindesire's analysis. It brings in a woman's perspective. "I still struggle with fidelity to my fiance to this day, although I am extremely happy and content with our relationship I still feel as though I would be more happy if I had more than one boyfriend."If I recall satindesire's fiance is part Saudi Arabian. I am curious if both people would not be more happy with a non-monogamous relationship. With a divorce rate of about 50% in the US, perhaps we should be asking the question if some new rules for marriage might not be make the relationship a bit more harmonious.Final thought: I am wondering... is real the issue jealousy? Social pressure? If not, then tell me what is the underlying reason why promiscuity threatens marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (25 January 2009):
 I do not think that men are monogamous by nature. I have been married twice and both these men cheated and I have had numerous boyfriends nearly all of them also cheated. I think men get very bored with the sight of the same body and the same sexual routine very easily. If the man can get away with it and won't get found out - normally so it doesn't affect their financial situation then they will do it. A lot of men I know do it while they are away on business. It is unfortunate for me as I am monogamous by nature but I truly do not think that men are. I don't even think that they want to hurt the woman they are with it is just something that they can't help or control. I also don't say that lightly as I have been horribly damaged by infidelity but I really don't think it is something they can help. I think it is variety, the volume of sex that you have in a new relationship and sometimes the added frisson of knowing what you are doing is wrong that adds to the excitement.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): I bet something isn't working in your marriage. I think it is more correct to say men fantasize about variety but not all feel compelled to act upon these ideas, quite on the contrary! If you have reached that point where your mind plays ceaselessly with these thoughts, then you need to be very sure what you wish to do in order to have no regrets. It is wise to spend time analysing the situation and seeing how each of you have contributed to it. Maybe it's a phase you are going through and/or you weren't ready for marriage in the first place. Infidelity doesn't simply happen, you are led to it. Maybe you neglect each other or have been taking each other for granted. Try to understand your temptation to cheat and what caused it and be honest to yourself: have you felt prone to cheat in previous relationships? Is it an urge that is renewed with every relationship? What do you have to lose? When did this feeling strike roots? Whereas a small attraction can pass unnoticed and wouldn't represent a threat to your marriage, if your urge to cheat is overwhelming, you must judge the situation according to the questions above and other aspects and treat the matter with responsibility. Do you want to continue to be with your spouse? Then you should address this issue, discuss your needs choosing your words carefully and see what is bothering both, maybe tell her of some changes you wish to make, for instance that you be more spontaneous and spice up your sex life. If you do not wish to solve this matter then the commonsensical thing to do is to leave before a betrayal happens. If you decide to stay though make sure you develop a plan to work things out and see how this is attainable. You say you are bored, maybe she neglects her appearance? Buy her a daring outfit. Does she treat you well? Explain how you like to be treated, and promise not to raise your voices to each other. Start from simple details and small steps and appreciate the general effect on your relationship. Relax and take your time and be sure of what you are doing. There are no surefire methods on how to proceed, just excellent tools, which are confidence and good will. Of course, attraction should still be in place, maybe it needs to be reinvented or rendered more evident.
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (25 January 2009):
The brutal truth is that men are essentially polygamous in nature. Yes, we want to spread our seed wildly and it is our ingrained and natural tendency. This kind of urge passed down from times when the proportion of men to women was less, but nature demands that the human species proliferate. It worked well in the jungles and on the steppes and plains.
Women are different in that most want security and possess a strong desire to procreate, to nurture that proliferation of the species - to bear the children and make a home with the father as protector and provider. Men are torn between the desire to provide for his woman and family, yet we still crave variety and possess that innate urge to wildly sow our seed.
The problem is that in this modern world, at least in the more civilized world, our historical polygamous nature is no longer best for the environment we live in today. It is disruptive and destructive to family in a modern civilization. We cannot have it both ways.
The Western World is currently in a struggle with men and a culture that would like to revert to the subjugation of women and retain those polygamous ways. On the individual level, a man today must decide whether the comfort and security of family and a faithful wife is preferred over his desire to spread his seed. Most of the world has advanced from primitive times and the best among us adapt, or at least choose one way or the other.
...............................
|
