A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am a very blessed single parent of two girls and one boy my son is the baby .All of my children are grown .But my second oldest daughter we have been at each other throats everyday since she got her period we have been in to it every since. She is very disrespectful toward me so I had to remove her from my home so I would not be evicted from my place and be on the streets.She has been living on the streets she has a job working at this chicken place but she is living in a hotel with strangers they are stealing from her she also has a boy friend who doesn't work he is taking her for granted he takes her money and spends it on his drugs she really doesn't look like he has a job because she is trying to take care of a man who does want to work.I Love my daughter with my Everthing an it hurts me to my heart knowing my baby is out there and the people out there is making a plum ass of her but she won't listen to me.Now she wants to come home I never threw her out her disrespect of me threw her out she hasn't told from her mouth but I can tell it really bothers me my baby is on the streets and nobody cares for her but ME!What Advice can you give me for my daughter I want her home but I can't risk getting put out because of her disrespect ful ways toward me!:(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Thanks everyone for the feedback but I have tried to make amends so many times this is not the first time she has been put out .We go through this same mess Everytime I allow her to come back and it's the same thing.When she gets angry at her boyfriend she takes it out on my son she hollers at him curses him the whole nine yes she curses me says the F word to me calls me B's everything but I still love her.Her father lives in another state he is an alcoholic/drug addict I left him when she was age 9 so maybe this could be but she just don't understand how much I wanted to be with him but he didn't want us he wanted his drugs and drinking.i really think counseling might help but she may not attend I don't know.Hopefully she will come to her senses and we will be mother and daughter instead of enemies
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): I'd be interested in knowing if your daughter's bio-father was ever in the picture and the circumstances surrounding his absence.
I suspect her acting out could possibly be rooted either in anger towards her father for abandoning her or else her perceived resentment towards you for driving him away.
Every girl craves affection and approval from her father and in the absence of a strong male role model girls sometimes subconsciously try to compensate by acting out to get any type of attention, good or bad.
Not excusing her behavior, just suggesting there may be long-term deep-seated issues driving her behavior in ways she doesn't understand.
I would suggest individual and joint counseling could benefit both of you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 August 2013):
 I'm amongst those who believe that you could and should allow her a conditional return... IF and as she gets along with you, and her siblings... and things go smoothly, you and she can see just how much you can repair that damage from the past (but DON'T dwell on it!!!!).
One detail that I would add to the advice from several others: Once you and she have come to terms, make a REAL "contract".... on paper.... both of you keep one... and make sure that you both live by it....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 I agree that there must be conditions and that everyone needs to know what is expected of them, but laying down the law also lays the foundation for future conflict. She doesn't need an overlord and you don't need the extra work and responsibility.
Without delving into the past and without committing to anything, I suggest, you simply ask her what will be different this time.
Let her be part of the solution instead of always part of the problem. And give yourself a break. As a single mother you already have enough on your plate. You don't need the added burden of having to provide all the answers.
Prepare a list of what you want, but it should be about YOU and not what you think is 'for her own good'. 'I need a clean and tidy home' 'I need to know who visits my home' 'I need to know the doors are locked and the house secure each night at Xpm' 'I need to not worry about being evicted'...That sort of thing. Whatever it is you need to be happy in your home.
And don't forget to ask your other children what they think and what they want. They will be affected by her moving back in.
You could agree to meet somewhere neutral (and public) for coffee or she can call you. Ask her to give some thought to how things will be different and to get back to you. Again, without making any promises. Don't allow her to assume that returning to your home is a foregone conclusion.
Let HER come up with the solutions. You can tell her what you and your other children expect and ask her how that will work for her. Do not commit to anything until you are satisfied. And as another suggested, set a trial period. If things work out during that trial period, you can extend the trial period.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 August 2013):
 Well I would have a "sit down" with her on neutral territory like a coffee shop or something and lay out ground rules for her to come home.
1. no visitors (keeps disrespectful user boyfriend out of the home but does not mean she cannot see him OFF your property
2. rent (small amount you can put in savings for her)
3. house rules including how she must treat you with respect
4. setting up coming home as a trial based on her behavior
5. knowledge that should she disrespect you she must move out.
any other rules that you feel she needs to follow to be with you.
if she can abide by the rules i would welcome her with open arms
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): Tell her you love her, and want more than anything for her to come home, but she has to follow the 'house rules'. If she asks what they are...tell her, including speaking respectfully. Make sure you let her do a lot of the talking. Let her feel listened to, not talked at.
If she says she can't follow those rules, ask her if she would like to tell you what rules she thinks would be appropriate and acceptable to her. This gives her a change to think about it, and likely to realize your requests are acceptable. She will be safer at home with you, as long as she isn't doing anything that could see you being evicted. If she can not follow your 'house rules' then as tough as it is, tell her, that when she is prepared to live by those rules, you'll welcome her home... and let her go on her journey. You can not 'enable' and 'support' her inappropriate behaviour. She will treat you how you 'allow' her to. Then, you have to wait for her to grow up...and come back to you. Just make sure she knows you love her and want her there.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (26 August 2013):
 i dont think you should risk it if you get put out then you cant help her or your other kids. She has to show shes willing to change with action.. 1 i would have her submit to a drug test 2 leave the dead beat shes with 3 do something to better herself ie enroll in college or a trade school. 4 follow every last one of my rules without question.
if you let her move back in with her old ways your just enabling her not helping her and if you let her come back so you will feel better thats selfishness and not true love. true love hurts and requires sacrifice.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (26 August 2013):
 As a mother it's hard to see your children struggling and not want to help them.
My sister is in the same situation and I do what I can, she is in jail now for something her boyfriend did while she was with him and I'm going to let her sit in there so perhaps she'll learn to change her ways and her life for the better.
Your daughter would have to change before I'd let her back into my house. She'd have to change her attitude and dump the boyfriend. Sometimes its just best to let them go on the course they choose so they can learn from their mistakes.
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A
female
reader, franny1297  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 She may desperately want to come home, but she doesn't want to give in and look weak. 'Her disrespect of you' threw her out and now you want her back? I'm a teenager and If my mum ever did that to me I wouldn't even want to look at her anymore. Maybe your daughter feels disowned? she might feel that you kicked her out and are bringing her back in just to make her look vulnerable? maybe your not, but that's how she feels. What's done is done. You know your daughter more than I do so you must tell her your sorry for kicking her, but tell her that it's your house and your rules, and she MUST respect you and the house.
Tell her how much you love her? has she lacked affection from you? why was she being disrespectful? you MUST communicate with her. I know im quite stubborn and don't like feeling put down or im lower. Good Luck.
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