A
female
age
41-50,
*ads.life
writes:Dear Cupids,I am so lost and unsure of things and need advice. I am 34 a mother of 2 teenangers, my daughter lives with me and my partner and my son lives 6 hours away with his dad. His dad and I get along for the best part. The problem is I am unsure I want to stay with my partner. He has 3 children 2 the same age as mine and a 5 yr old. He sees his kids regilously every fn, and I get to see my son once every 2 or 3 months, and for a week on school holidays. My partner smokes and drinks excessivly, we both work full time but he never has spare money as he spends it on his grog and smokes and travelling to see his children. He pays the rent which is $290 a week and I pay for the car, $240 a week, plus I pay $100 a week toward the electricty and phone bills. I am paying for my daughters schooling which with her school camp is very expencive, her camp is $650. I don't drink or smoke, I do get my feet done once evey 2 months which is not that expensive. I don't go with him to see his kids, though I used to but only in the last 2 months I have stopped. He is angry at me for it saying that he misses me when he goes to see them, and that he thinks I am being selfish and not putting our "family" first. But I talk to my son and he asks when I am coming up (his father can not drive due to an accident that has left him in a wheelchair, hence why my son moved in with him) anyway, I tell him as soon as I can afford to, and he gets upset because I was spending time with the other children. My daughter does not really like them as they are spoilt and get what they want. My partner refuses to come and see my son when I go up, I usually stay in a motel with him (my son) so that we get one on one time and my daughter stays with her dad. (their house is very small) and during the day we usually get together the 4 of us so the children get time together. So I do not feel that I should continue to make an effort with his children. I feel he is being very selfish and not being fair. He has little to no selfcontrol. And I am second guessing the relationship. But then my daughter is stable here and in a great school with good friends. There is no other house for rent in our little town. So I feel I am stuck here. I want to try and make this work but I do not know how to get through to him. Make him understand where I am coming from. Am I being unfair? How do I get him to see where I am coming from?
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female
reader, mads.life +, writes (20 January 2014):
mads.life is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone. I just want to thank you all for your advice! All of what you wrote was the push I needed. I was in denial. My daughter and I are now living and hour and a half from my son and his dad and I see him so much more. Not as much as I want yet as I have been put on bed rest pending an operation in a few weeks but the important fact is I have put us first. I did know you were all right about that. While I still see him from time to time he is the one I see once every two to three months now and that suits me just fine. He doesn't like it and causes fights often. But the door is closing. The main reason he still sees me is he brings up some of my stuff. But that's almost over. He wants to work it out but I see no future and I tell him this. So again thanks to you all xxx
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 I don't think you're being unfair at all.
Your children have to come first, every time, for all his faults it sounds as if your b/f puts his kids first regardless of how you feel.
In a perfect world you'd balance these visits together and support each other emotionally and financially through these difficult years when the kids are young and not with you.
To be honest hun, I can't see why on earth you're staying in this relationship!
It's certainly not a healthy environment for your daughter having a "step" dad who drinks heavily, drains the family finances and makes Mom miserable.
This man seems indifferent to your feelings and I don't think he'll ever see things from your point of view.
I think you need to decide what you want, how often you want to see your son, and then make damn sure it happens.
AB x
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 I agree with anonymous. I'd also like to add that it seems that you know deep down that the relationship is coming to an end. However, you're waiting for the last straw to break the camel's back so to speak, in order for you to end it. Listen to your gut, and do what feels good for you and your children.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (26 August 2013):
 Sometimes you need to face up to the hard decisions. The previous writer is correct. Your guy isn't about to change. He's selfish. Instead of putting you on a pedestal, he is putting himself.
Get yourself out of this relationship and regain your self respect. You deserve so much more. You don't have to stay in your 'little town'. Don't let your children be the excuse for not acting. Children are highly adaptable.
You know in your heart I expect that things aren't going to get any better. You have to dig your way out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): "Am I being unfair?"
No, but you're also being unrealistic. He is who he is, and if you are not married then he is not your "partner" but your live-in boyfriend with whom you share no joint assets so what's his is his and what's yours is yours.
"How do I get him to see where I am coming from?"
You don't.
You can't "get" him to do anything that he would not be inclined to do otherwise.
You can only control what you do, which means you can keep on finding excuses to continue shacking up with a guy who is causing resentment among you, your son and your daughter or you can do what's best for you, your children and their father.
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