A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 months and while we've had our ups and downs, he never gave me a reason to not trust him..However, I found something suspicious on his facebook chat and my paranoia got the better half of me and I ended up raiding his email account and his facebook inbox for any traces of him cheating on me.I found that he was answering some personal ads off craigslist for NSA sex. NOT JUST WITH WOMEN but with older men and transgendered individuals as well. While I don't think anything happened...I'm not 100% positive either.I freaked out because I have been cheated on by my ex with men in the past and he seems to be very homophobic so I don't know if he's confused or what...I actually acted impulsively and left him a voicemail but I don't think he listened to it...Should I bring it up? What if he decides to listen to the voice mail and ends up breaking up with me? We've been through so much that I actually told myself that what's in the past is in the past and I'm willing to give it a shot with him..Other information:- the craigslist incidents were throughout 2009- in the emails he sent (the ad was posted as "daddy needs a fuck boy," he said that he's never tried it before but he is willing to try if they "take it slow"- his ex was bisexual
View related questions:
facebook, his ex, my ex, older men Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ohemgee  +, writes (10 May 2010):
I think this is a question of: How much do you want to be with him? Because, honestly, you might be happier in the long run if you make a clean break from him now.
If you really love this guy, then talk things through, see if he accepts what you've done in the past, see if you accept what he's done in the past, and make some guidelines for the future. For example, establish that yours is an exclusive relationship.
However, to tell you the truth, my gut instinct is absolutely and positively screaming at me that you should end this because, I think this guy is gonna make you feel miserable in the long run.
I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear. Ultimately, the decision is yours and we can only wish you the best of luck.
A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 What we want to know is whether or not he is a nice guy. That is the main issue. If you think he is a great guy, then stay with him regardless of whether or not he looks at porn.
But if you think he is a nasty piece of work, just tell him to get lost. Break off the relationship.
The porn issue is not too serious. The thing is...Do he care about you? Does he listen when you talk? Does he ever make inappropriate jokes at your expense? Has he ever hit you, or got ready to hit you?
I have not ever been in a relationship, so maybe I don't understand. But that's the best advice I can give at this stage.
The bisexual issue is not major. It's how he treats you that matters.
And another thing, you can also suggest to him that he sees a counsellor by himself. He might have unresolved issues that he needs to talk about. Not necessarily sexual issues but other problems.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (9 May 2010):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-has-an-addiction-to-men-and.html
This is (well, could be - no two people are the same) your future. Trust me, chiquita, this doesn't just vanish overnight. But, he is probably just curious and really into kinky and taboo stuff. And by going to Craigslist, he can explore that side of him without judgment.
Better safe than sorry - go get yourself tested, and insist that he do the same if he wants to work this out. If this is the only bad part of your relationship, you can probably work it out... but if your relationship is rough on top of this, then it's probably best just to cut it off now and not get too invested.
Good luck, sweetness!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI went ahead and gave the least impulsive answers some ratings. I mean, like I've said, I've already considered a lot of what you lovely people have proposed.
----
I don't know exactly what to do from here except to either stay with him or break it off. And I suppose since it's summer and I'm not seeing him anytime soon, it doesn't matter if I confront him or not right now.
Do you think the fact that these were 2008 and 2009 okay? Like, in one of the emails he was looking for a jackoff (JO) buddy and that email explained the situation he was in and he said while he is just experimenting and he's watched gay porn, he's not 100% sure he wants to go through with it...
I really don't know what to do or say at this point...I just know what this isn't a black and white matter but there are numerous grey areas. I know that if I was in one of my past relationships, it would be really easy for me to end things because I didn't care as much. But if anyone has been in a situation where you understand you're literally picking one poison from another, you will understand what I'm going through and I need that kind of advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (9 May 2010):
 Your boyfriend is bisexual, but he may not have wished to share that side of his sexuality with you. If you are in a sexual relationship with this man then I suggest a trip to the doctors since he maybe sexually active with multiple partners. I think he may have cheated on you, or attempted to cheat on you. However, at the point where you checked up on him on facebook and his emails then you must realise you already didn't trust him. There is nothing to be confused about - you did not trust him, you looked up his personal details and found evidence to confirm your doubts. It is now time to leave him. You haven't been with him for years and you don't have kids together or anything like that. You will continue to lack trust in him in the future if you stay in the relationship and become more and more emotionally downtrodden by the whole situation. Be thankful you discovered this now and not years down the line when you were married to him with a couple of kids.
...............................
A
male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (9 May 2010):
I'm not sure what you should do here. But maybe you are taking things a bit too seriously. Why don't you just wait until the full facts come out before you jump to any conclusions?
All these weird emails or sites he's looking up on the internet might just be his sense of humour. He might be sending strange emails to people for a laugh.
I'm one of the only people you should listen to on dearcupid because I am straight to the point and honest. I think so anyway.
I need a bit more information about this guy before I can give a proper answer. But at this stage, don't be too eager to confront him. Just be patient and the truth will come out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Xtina356 +, writes (9 May 2010):
Lots of ups and downs in 3 months? He may not have cheated on you. But he may have some sexual desires that are outside of the traditional male/female relationship. You need to ask him about it and make your decision. He's going to question why you went into his email so you have some explaining to do too.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): I'm sorry hun, I think your guy is more than confused.
All signs point to an interest in men, and I've personally found that men who are overly homophobic are hiding something.
If he is meeting up with anonymous men to have sex, then this puts you at risk of contracting numerous STD's through his careless meetings.
If you do break up it wouldn't be the worst thing, especially if he is gay. He will not be happy with a female no matter how amazing you are.
I don't think any straight guys would answer craiglists personal ads to meet up with gay men just because he wants to try something new. He is showing that he wants to be with another man. I would get out of the relationship before things get too serious, you don't have to settle- you 're still young and you seem very smart!
I wish you all the best, be strong, this is a very difficult thing to go through.
And remember its not you, he was born this way
L.
...............................
A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (9 May 2010):
Voice mail my you must be realy angry, delete all and everything to do with him and visit and an STD clinic?
It might just be that serious and find someone next time that is worthy of you?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): He sounds confused. I would back up a little. Have a frank chat with him and protect your heart. Dont get too emotionally involved until you know the full story on him.
...............................
|
