A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I can't help but feel a bit hurt over my cousin giving a more important role at her wedding and more thanks/attention in general to her best friend.My cousin made her best friend her maid of honor, and me her matron of honour. I thought it was sweet of her, but besides giving a toast, her maid of honor did all of the other parts of the role. She held the rings, signed the marriage certificate, etc. I found it a bit hurtful because we are actually blood family and I have always been there for her. It was very expensive for me to fly out to be at her wedding and my son was her ring bearer. I tried not to let it bug me too much, but it did hurt a bit.She constantly is posting things on her best friend's facebook about how amazing she is and what a good friend, etc. I had to work with her best friend to plan things for the wedding, and that girl hardly lifted a finger to help me with the planning-yet it appears she is getting all of the credit for "being there". I doubt it would make any difference to say anything, plus, am I being immature? It just hurts a bit because I have been like a sister to her since she was born.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 October 2014):
 you flew there.. that means you are NOT there on a day to day basis. And a BEST friends is supposed to be the attendant. I Think it was VERY nice of her to ask you to be the matron of Honor. There is no need to have one.
Yes you are being immature petty and rather selfish.
this was HER day. WHO she picked to do WHAT is her choice and a supportive loving friend would accept this without reservation.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 Yeah, you are being immature. It was her wedding, not yours, so who are you to dictate who should and shouldn't have what roles?
Just because you didn't get the most super important part in things, according to yourself, doesn't mean you aren't valued as a friend/family member. Don't try to analyze everything to mean something. They rarely mean anything at all.
Maybe this bitterness and resentment you feel comes from something else, and the wedding just added to the top of the pile of reasons why you feel like you are less valued? Has the friendship between you and your cousin drifted away, perhaps? Maybe it has, and you're sad about it because it's not what you wanted, but sometimes things drift without there being any harmful thoughts behind it. It's just life, people drift apart, even if it's only just the one person who drifts and the other stays put. But we got to learn to deal with it, and be happy about what we have, rather than be upset about what we wish we had.
Look, one of my oldest friends got pregnant, and she didn't tell me. If I was pregnant I would have told her right away, and I felt hurt that obviously she didn't see us as close as I saw us. Or maybe, to her, telling me wasn't a sign of not being close, it just wasn't something she was ready to share. We can never know why people do what they do. But try not to let it get to you, because if we get offended and upset by everything people do different what what we hoped for, then we'll just walk around being miserable every day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): I was the aunt of a nephew that I have tried for years to get close to, but he kept me at arm's length, always. He gravitated towards my husband's youngest sister. When he got married, I was not asked to do anything for his wedding, but my husband's youngest sister was asked to help at the reception table. She had to fly in from another state and here I had moved to the state he was living in and I was an hour away from him. My husband had also passed away too.When I had a conversation with my late husband's youngest sister she had told me she would not attend the wedding unless she was asked to do something and so far she hadn't been asked. Suddenly, she was flying in and we corresponded through Facebook, but she never told me she had been asked to help at our nephews wedding until I was at the wedding reception and I found out. Also, she was in their wedding pictures prior to the wedding taking place.Although I was hurt, naturally, I sucked it up and did not say a word to anyone.My nephews mother, divorced, years later told me she was deeply hurt because I did not sit by her at her son's wedding and she did not like it that I sat by some of her cousin's which she has had a rift with for years over childhood bullying. I was flabbergasted she would tell me that. She said she had saved me a seat and for my boyfriend but of course she never told me she was doing that prior to the wedding. I had no idea!I never brought up how I truly felt about her son not asking me to do anything because I thought it would be petty despite what his mother, my sister-in-law, told me about not sitting by her, which was petty of her in my opinion.Since then, my nephews wife and him have had a baby. I like his wife and we get along. So I work it that way and I enjoy my grandnephew.That is my story.It is natural to feel hurt or get jealous. Those are your feelings and I felt the same way too about my late husband's youngest sister always getting the attention. It did sting. I had to let it go.Be grateful you got asked to participate at all. You weren't totally ignored and she did include you in the wedding party and wanted you there for her big day.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 Oh no, don't say anything. It would be petty.
You don't really want to spoil one of the best times in her life ( the honeymoon phase ) by making this all about your hurt feelings, do you ?
1 ) Don't take it so personally- you are blood but a good close friend, a BEST friend, is as good as blood. Or more. You used to be close, I guess you still are somewaht , but you live at a distance, this combined that they may be more similar in age and being childless and whatnot may have brought them closER.
2 ) I am sure that there are wedding etiquette books who say who is supposed to do what exactly, and the bride may have broken the written and unwritten rules- but a wedding is not a democratic event anyway- it's more like a benign dictatorship- it's the BRIDE's big day ( generally , the groom does not care that much ). It's her day and she gets to pick and choose how she wants it to be, and the best is just to be happy with her, and for her, no matter what.
3 ) I am sure your contribution has been precious and appreciated, but nobody forced you to go ,or to do anything.
You CHOSE to attend because you wanted to. So you spent money for that. And, you got wined and dined, got to dance, talk, see your relatives, have fun, dress up nice and have your pics taken :). You went because you cared about being there , not just in order to do a good deed, I suppose.
4 ) You helped around a lot, that's nice and I am sure it was noticed. Next time though, if you have to exact a payback in recognition, honours and applauses... maybe you'd better sit back, relax, and let other people step in. I think it's wise doing things for other people when you feel it's a pleasure for you, no strings attached, no payback guaranteed.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 October 2014):
 I think you're being a drama queen.
This isn't about blood. It's pretty NORMAL that your Maid of honor is your BEST friend. Just like the BEST man is the grooms best buddy, and not a male family member.
However, IF you did most of the planning and the best friend takes the credit, then the best friend is a cow.
BUT... I would let it go. And next time your cousin needs something planned, suggest she asks her best friend to do it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): I understand that you're upset, but you should keep in mind that it is HER day, not yours. She can give thanks to who she wants, and no doubt, she's very thankful to you also! However, it's understandable she acts like that towards her friend; she's her best friend for a reason.
Not to mention the fact that you're out of state, and having to fly there, she probably didn't want to burden you. A maid of honor has a LOT of duties that she should be there for, and considering you're so far, it would make things a lot more complicated.
Be grateful you were a bridesmaid, it shows you are close enough to her that she wants you to be a part of her wedding, regardless of how big the role is.
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A
female
reader, Izzy2  +, writes (7 October 2014):
I wouldn't read too much into it. I know it can be hurtful, but she could only choose one person to be the maid of honour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): my younger sister got married late last year, I was the only family member not to be given a role, my younger brother did a speech, my sisters eldest 13 yr old son did a speech, her little boy of 3, was with him my dad walked her to the celebrant, it was an outdoor wedding, my mother was involved, her friends helped her get ready , make up etc etc. Me nothing, I stood near my aunts, and wasn't part of it. She had no bridesmaids, I didn't want to be one but I didn't even have one small part.
Be thankful at least you had a a part, don't be immature, she felt closer to her friends and yes it was HER day! not yours, friends are the family we choose, at least you were involved, and the maid of honour does all the things her friend does. Maybe she feels closer to her?, as my sister does with my sister in law.. it hurts I know but you cant do anything, DONT say anything! you will look ungrateful jealous, and spoil her days memories. In the words of a friend of mine "suck it up" get over it.. Facebook causes jealousy and I know how you feel but you need to get over it. Be happy you were asked at all.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 October 2014):
If you had to fly there you may not be as close because of the distance... Don't take it personally.
And yes, you're being just a little bit immature.
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