A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been trying to meet someone to have a relationship with for quite a while now. I don't have any problems meeting men both online and in real time; however when ever I do start seeing someone I find attractive and seem to get on well with it always follows the same pattern. at first the man is extremely keen and attentive, in constant touch by phone/txt/email...whichever means we have chosen to communicate by. our face to face meetings go well, positive things are said by him to me. I don't see any red flags, and if I do I don't proceed.fairly early on, usually on date three or four I go to bed with him. I make no excuse for this, I like sex and its one of the reasons I want a relationship. I don't want sex outside of one but within one I want lots of it :-) but I want this within an honest situation where there is trust and commitment even if things don't last forever.thing is, there isn't ever anything like a forever for me.time and again, I sleep with them, they lose interest. immediately so, they cease making an effort and I face a choice of either chasing them or backing out.i don't think chasing is a good idea.my latest one is a case in point; very keen, txting regularly throughout the day, keeping to a pattern, always replying to me, meets went well, absolutely no red flags at all. all fine for four weeks.then i sleep with him. straight away things change, pattern of his messaging changes,decreases markedly, he doesn't reply to some of mine. he is being nice about it and doing the minimum but i know the interest is gone.my question is....i know this is par for the course for some men. i know that. and i also know that by the law of averages i will meet a percentage of men who wont do that. i will meet a few men who will want to carry on seeing me after i sleep with them, who will want a relationship where they like me and will view my liking for sex with them as a bonus.but i`m not meeting them. everyone loses interest after i sleep with them.i`m not unattractive, i`m kind, very honest, and i don't think i`m that bad in bed. so why is this happening?replies from men particularly appreciated as the insight into the male mind would be useful.i know all the stuff about conquest, the hunt etc etc..but i don't want to play games. i want to be upfront. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, dougbcoll  +, writes (14 October 2014):
 "so why is this happening?"
In short they are getting what they want, you are giving it out easy, and they will take it.
Iam sorry for my late reply.
any thing of value a person will not place it were it can be touched or used by other people. it will be placed on a high shelf showing value, or placed in a locked garage, not out doors for the weather, thief's ect to do harm.
It is the same way with a woman or any thing in life. woman of value in a man's life is taken care of valued, cherished,treasured,protected. if she give's her self out cheaply men will use and look upon her as of lesser value will use, and move on to the next conquest.
having self respect, not being easy. is my best advice for getting a man of value in your life for a relationship. I hope this helps !!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): Maybe it is your view on dating that is a turn off:
"my latest one is a case in point; very keen, txting regularly throughout the day, keeping to a pattern, always replying to me, meets went well, absolutely no red flags at all. all fine for four weeks."
The way you describe your "latest one" is so mechanized and unemotional. Do you want a relationship with someone you LIKE or do you want a relationship with someone who will simply return your texts and won't dump you after he sleeps with you?
What was so special anyway about any of the guys who hit and split? Were any one of them like your dream guy? Or are you just willing to have a relationship with the first guy who doesn't split when you two have sex?
I think the fact that what you consider "standards" are so easy and lax, (all they have to do is keep to a pattern and text you back regularly), that it just doesn't pose enough of a challenge for the men you have met. You just want somebody.
I, for instance, love my boyfriend because he is intelligent, sexy, gorgeous, he knows how to do everything from change a tire to start a business to bake a pie. I am so incredibly attracted to him. We have so much in common. We never run out of things to talk about. We were pals for two years before we started dating. I loved him way before we started dating. And even though I had other guys asking me out, it was him in particular the one I loved and wanted to be with. THAT is why I am with him.
Find someone you feel passionately about and then worry about it. Stop sleeping with and placing so much importance on guys who merely take you out and return your texts.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 But if you only want sex within a relationship, why then do you sleep with men before you are sure you know you are in one ( r/ship ) ? If you want sex within a context of trust and committment, why don't you wait for the trust and committment to actually BE there ?...
It seems that you are the victim of numerous sexual
" hit -and- runs " , so far. Of course that could have various causes that you ( and we ) know nothing of , from sheer bad luck, to being a lousy lay to , I don't know, being unaware of having a bad halitosis :).
My guess is that the deck was already rigged from the start . These guys had already decided in their mind that , for reason of theirs, you don't make for them
" girlfriend material ", and do not tick enough boxes for that, BUT you are fine enough for a fling, or an ONS.
Now, you say that they show themselves " keen ", but , alas, this is a field in which technology plays against us. It's so easy to sound and look keen nowadays, when all you've got to do is shoot some lines of text from the comfort of your armchair , while maybe doing something else in the meantime too. In fact , it helps whiling away idle time. I even know people who multitask and like texting from sitting on their toilets. That's not really
" effort ". Plus, they know , by now, the third date
" rule " , and unless they are teens - or swamped with beautiful women, who's the adult who can't wait rwo or three outings before getting to the goodies. They figure out they've got to go eat ( or drink ) somewhere , might as well it be with you, -it will add to your impression they are REALLY interested. Plus, the thrill of the chase may sound like a cliche' , but there are actually men who don't like it when sex comes too easy, at the first date, they feel the suspense and the fun has been cut short, so they don't mind at all showing some perfunctory " keenness " before they get to score.
Of course this is not mathematics, there's a large element of randomness and serendipity in it. I could also quote numerous instances where third date, or FIRST date, sex, has turned into an LTR- or in a marriage.
What I am saying is, that , if you want to play it safe, and be SURE the interest is real , and not just a fleeting initial curiosity, you've got to have the patience to see if it develops in a constant and CONSISTENT interest. And this, as old fashioned it may sound- there's no way around it, takes more than 3 or 4 dates . The other thing is, I feel that the ONLY thing that says genuine interest and genuine effort, is the physical presence. Yeah, text, FB, e-mails, all fine and dandy- as I have said, it's not a big effort for lots of people, it's in fact a sort of hobby with which to fill a rather empty social lfe.
Effort is actually shaving, and getting dressed, and coming out on a rainy night, and looking for parking space in a crowded downtown, after a tiring day at work, and making space for you in a busy schedule, even if it means rearranging buddy night at the pub or something, or skipping a favourite TV show... and doing this happily, often-ish and for a while. THEN it means something.
4 weeks of idle daily banter , as you have seen yourself, does not mean anything per se. and if you have met him on a dating site, keep in mind that for many Dailybanter is their second name, they are old hands at it.
Oth, you are an adult woman, and you like sex. So , if you decide to risk a possible vanishing act of the guy, - you can go on just like now, and confide in luck, or destiny. I mean, it's not like your self confidence is shattered by their behaviour, or you are in love with these gys after 3 dates. Probabaly you say " too bad 2 and just move on, so you are not really " risking " much. But, if you want to play it safe, and you want to have sex within a committed relationship, I am afraid that things haven't changed much in ... ages ; first you get the committed r/ ship, then you make it sexual .
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 You mention the technical details of the date. Yes they went well, the were decent men. I wonder if there's any passion, the feeling of "I am really curious to find out what he's about." The selection of a mate, and the decision takes place in a split second, often subconsciously. You mentioned red flags twice, so I also wonder if you go on dates with the attitude of screening someone as in an employment process. A definition of a good date should not be just the absence of red flags, a public embarrassment such as dropping food or awkward behavior, facial tics, food stuck in your mouth, etc. During a date you want to enjoy yourself, feel like you are two against the world. What people look for is the lost feelings of youth, an awe like, "wow, I can sit here forever and look at you, how time flies ..." and not a rigid pattern of date 1, okay, date 2, still nothing bad, date 3, I feel it's safe to have sex, and then, why isn't the rest following?
Maybe you want to take more time to filter out who you want before you go on a date. It's also important that both of you feel special, and comfortable to talk about whether you are dating each other only, or you are each other's first on the site and don't intend on dating others. With that security in mind the guy is more likely to invest in you. I think both men and women need to feel a special reason that they chose each other, not just because you happened to click on his photo icon and there's no one else.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 There are dozens of reason for un-coupling after a sexual rlationship; To namea few: He was married and is now feeling guilty, he didn't enjoy it all that much, he couldn't make you cum, etc. etc.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 October 2014):
I don't know the answer so I'm just going to throw ideas out there.
Three to four weeks doesn't seem to soon, but only three or four dates may be. Men need more time to get to know you. If they sleep with you too soon, I think they can get a "mission accomplished" feeling and stop trying. On the other hand if they are forced to get to know you first (not possible in 3 or 4 dates), then they'll often be more likely to continue seeing you after the fact. Obviously this doesn't apply to every man.
Maybe (and don't get offended) you have a smell down there that's a turn off?
Do you change after sleeping with a guy in a way that might be scaring them away?
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