A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend told me and his friends that he loves me, but he's not in love with me. He says that may come in time. What should I do? Is there a differance between loving someone and being in love. He shows all the signs with his actions that he is IN LOVE with me, but maybe im just reading to much into it. Please help me to distinguish the two, so I know where I stand with my man. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009): I think falling in love is a mindless act where another person may be obsessed with the feeling of being in love rather than loving such as your boyfriend says. Why don't you test your love with a psychological instrument such as e-harmony? This is the wise course to take since love and marriage are such monstrous events. Get all the advice you can or see a counselor at your church or synagogue if you have doubts.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): I feel the way HE does about my boyfried. I love him, but am not YET in love with him. Yes there is a difference and I cannot disagree with with what others have written (especially about making yourself less available), but I can say that I, like him, feel that in time I may find myself "in love." I have been in two serious relationships that have really hurt me and left me untrusting that any love is real. If I had not had these experiences in the past, I may very well feel "in love" right now. But being "In love" is much scarier than simply loving, repecting and admiring someone. You can get a lot more hurt when you put it all out there. I don't want to get your hopes up because it might never happen, but maybe he, like me, has been hurt in the past and is being protective over his heart until he is emotionally ready to be "in love" again.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 May 2009):
 Maybe what you mean is that he is kind, polite and respectful. Maybe he is what you would call "lovable", but not "loving". English makes that wonderful distinction between one thing and the other.
If someone says he doesn't love someone else, I usually believe them.
What he says is that perhaps some time he will be willing to take the relationship to a higher level, but that also means he might not do that.
The big question is, what to do. I think I would go away. It's your choice, anyways.
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveCoach +, writes (29 May 2009):
 Dear Anonymous,
If I had a nickel for every time I heard this expression, I'd be rich. It's one that tends to grate on me, since what I read into it is that the person who says it "loves" in a platonic/friendship way, but not in a romantic way.
You say his actions show that he is "in love" with you, but you don't say what he is doing that makes you believe this. I don't know how long you've been together, but I'd guess that you and he have very different ideas about what this relationship means. For him it's likely that he sees it as much more casual than you do.
If he says he's not "in love" with you, I'd take that at face value. In other words, believe what he is saying. It will save you much heartbreak. The questions that follow are, "Are you willing to stay in a relationship where the man is not 'in love' with you?" and "Are you willing to settle for less than what you need to be happy in a relationship?"
If you hope he'll come around and eventually feel "in love" which is basically the same as having an attraction for you or feeling that "chemistry," you may be disappointed. I wonder what would happen if you suddenly decided your life was just too busy, filled with wonderful things you love to do, to give him much attention and time.
Strange how we want what we cannot have. If he has less of your time and attention, I wonder if he would start to feel that attraction for you that he says he doesn't feel right now.
I'd like to recommend some great books for you to consider:
Getting to "I Do" by Patricia Allen
The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider
Why Men Marry Bs (don't know if I can write that word, but I didn't create the title! It's about boundaries in relationships and very humorous) by Sherry Argov
I wish you the best of success in this situation, Michelle
Michelle E. Vásquez, MS, LPC
Your Successful Singles Love Coach
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