A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for almost 7 years,About 5 years ago I caught him on a porn site doing his business in front of the computer and it really made me mad. He never takes blame for aanything. He told me since the sex was not often enough he got it that way.Well early last year he left me and while we were separated I slept with a man one time. After a few months separation I went back and asked if we could work things out. He found out that I had relations with another man and now he wants a divorce and I see this situation as similar as to what he did 5 years ago. We were living together when he got on the porn site. I had sex with another while separated. He says its not the same and that mine is worse. So my question is: Didn't we both cheat ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): Your self esteem issues do not make the fact that your husband looked at porn any more wrong, nor does it justify the fact that you slept with someone else. Obviously you know what you did was wrong, however, you are making way too much out of this porn issue. How you choose to react is up to you; it doesn't mean that maturbating to porn is anywhere near as bad a sleeping with someone else. It sounds as if you need to sort out your self esteem problems as it seems that they are really affecting your relationship, and informing the way you behave to your husband. It is not your husband's fault that you cannot lose weight, but nevertheless you are taking it out on him by letting your own issues inform how you behave towards him and his porn use.The fact that you are overweight doesn't justify your behaviour, it just shows that you have issues that you need to fix.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 Is your issue that he was masturbating or that he was doing it while looking at porn?
I understand that lots of women, particularly those with self-esteem issues, think that what men look at on porn sites is what they *really* want. And that does happen, with some guys. But some guys are honestly just looking for some stimulation to help them get off. Ask yourself honestly if your own insecurity is what's making you angry here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, I appreciate all the feedback.
Secondly, I know I did not state this, but I am an overweight female and I have been made fun of because of it. I dont eat unhealthy and I am very active but I cant get the weight off. So I am sorry if I need help because the way I see it was my husband was more attracted to a naked skinny woman than he was to the woman he said he loved.
This was the only man that ever even gave me the time of day to stick around, but after I saw him doing that it really hurt. I guess it is my fault I have a low self esteem but the way I see it is your spouse is supposed to help you feel good about yourself.
I am definitely NOT saying what I did is okay because it is NOT. I am very very upset at myself for even letting that happen. I did something very dangerous and stupid. I got drunk and let someone I never even met before come into my apartment and had sex with him. I will have to live with this decision for the rest of my life.
Thanks for reading and responding!!!
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A
male
reader, twinlab99 +, writes (16 May 2010):
 Lady....seriously....sleeping with another man vs. porn. Come on! Men watch porn becaue thye're not having their fantasies fulfilled. You cheated!.....I'm not gonna pretty this up..you're wrong, and crazy if you think he is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): Pfff. I am having a hard time taking you seriously. You truly equate what you did vs. what your husband did (masturbating)?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (15 May 2010):
 Porn is the same as sleeping with someone? Either your sex life is really bad or you got some seriously good porn.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 May 2010):
 I dont agree to calling him a cheater, he wasn't having a relationship or affair with another woman. He was looking at porn, not talking to other women, not having them do anything to him. Basically he watched a porn movie and got off to it. It's the same as anyone imagining in their heads something sexy and then masturbating. In my opinion. Perhaps you should have discussed the matter of what you determine to be cheating or not BEFOREHAND. In the opinion of most, he did not cheat. What you did I guess is debatable. But separated is not the same as divorced, and it i snot unheard of that he wont take you back after you've been with another man. You being with someone else is like filing for divorce, you're basically saying "its over".
But, what you did was worse than what he did, if you must compare. You had another man physically touch you, you touched him back, and its a person you know and that will now recognise you on the street, will talk about you to his friends. What your husband did in front of his computer is nothing similar. He was simply masturbating. You had sex with another person.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 May 2010):
Porn really isn't cheating. It can be a knock to confidence, but it doesn't involve actually sleeping with someone else. At the same time, you were separated when you slept with another man, so you didn't cheat. To be honest, it sounds like you will do much better without him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): Masturbation is not infidelity.
Neither is sleeping with someone when you're single.
If you two were "sort of together" or "trying to work it out" I can see why he'd consider it cheating, but if not, he's got himself to blame, he's just being emotional.
Just because something bothers you doesn't mean it's cheating. (This applies to the both of you.)
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A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (15 May 2010):
 I would agree with rambini. Porn involves no actual interaction with another human being, so unless a person is replacing intimacy with their partner with porn I personally don't see it as a betrayal. Whereas actually sleeping with another person is obviously cheating.
However, if you were completely separated at that point and had no plans to restart the relationship, I wouldnt say what you did was cheating either. I can understand why he would react badly to it, but at the end of the day, he had left you, leaving you free to pursue happiness with whoever you wanted.
Good luck, I hope you guys figure something out!
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A
female
reader, rambini +, writes (15 May 2010):
 actually sleeping with a real person is FAR worse than just watchng porn. Everyone watches porn whether they are in a relationship or not, it is healthy and normal.
sleeping with another person is completely different and much worse. porn is fantasy, sex is reality.
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