A
female
age
36-40,
*essicaAnne
writes:First this is going to be long I'm sorry --I have been dating a guy for a year. He is a very loving affectionate, thoughtful guy who is in constant contact and we see eachother every night. I pretty much live with him. I was cheated by my past ex so came into this relationship a bit weary of a tall muscular good looking men but he was so affectionate and persistent that he only wanted me I started to date him. After 2 months of dating he was kicked out of his apartment and decided to move closer to me to make our relationship work better. During the process of looking for apartments he had left his email open on my computer and when I went to get out of it I noticed an email he sent to the girl he was dating prior to me. This email was sent 1 month into dating and it was after we had a weekend vacation away so I was surprised to see this. He wrote to her that he thinks of her often and hopes she is doing well. I was very hurt and we fought about it but I let it go. I kept my eye open from that day on though. Unfortunately, I think that was a curse because I started fighting about girls he claimed were friends texting him or commenting on his facebook. He would block them for me. Which I appreciated but it did not stop my snooping. We had some big blow out fights about these things. Last august I saw a text in his phone to a girl saying hey you. he said it was a phone glitch and it must have uploaded while he was switching phones during an upgrade. I let it go. While on a trip to my old college for a reunion in September of 2015 he kept questioning me in front of my friends if I had hooked up with any guys that I was introducing him to or talking to while at the reunion- I thought that was very disrespectful to ask in front of people so we had a huge fight which turned into a vicious drive home and me telling him to move back to where he came from I don't want to be with him (very wrong on my part) I immediately apologized 30 minutes later and I thought we fixed things. We started fighting heavily in December when he switched jobs and was working a profession at a gym and caused him to be in contact with many woman. I asked him to keep it professional and not hand out his number if they need to contact him for a workout session they could email him. He refused and told me I was unreasonable. Long story short clients were texting him frequently and it was upsetting to me. Made me fight with him more and say some bad things (which I regret). In March 2016 I found out that after our fight in September 2015 at my college reunion he sought out a random women from a website forum he was on. Even though we made up he went to go hang out with her. I cant believe i found out about this 7 months later (when snooping of course)! (in March of 2016) I called the girl and she told me They have chilled a few times over the course of 7 months and the girl told me it was just kissing nothing else. We separated for all of March but stayed in contact everyday pretty much fighting while he was begging forgiveness. April 1st we decided to try and reconcile. on April 9th we were hanging out and his phone was buzzing I told him to look at it and while he did I checked and it was from a woman. He told me she was a old Gym coworker (he was fired) and they were just friends. I noticed they were texting all day about him losing his job and how she wanted to take him to lunch to cheer him up and he said ok. when I saw that I grabbed the phone and wrote back please stop texting my boyfriend.. It infuriated me that we are trying to reconcile and he thinks its OK to text a female and on top of it make lunch plans. I broke up with him . he begged for me back once again and told me shes nothing and would cut her off. from here I went really crazy and was getting mad over anything. A like on his Instagram, him taking too long to text me back. it got bad. Then 2 weeks later I check his phone and I admit I went a bit far by going into the iPhone cloud so I could see all messages, deleted or not. And I notice he was just deleting the old female gym coworkers texts but they were still talking. Wasn't anything sexual but the fact that he told me he would cut her off lied and continued to talk to hur showed me he didn't care it bothered me.. He even went as far as to text her after I wrote to her stop texting my boyfriend -- "sorry that's what happens when you spend a night with an ex" I also noticed that there was another girl he was cheating on me with back in february that I didn't know about. he had not spoken to her since February except for a text he sent to her on april 19th saying I hope all is well. WTF would he contact her for if he hadent spoken to her since February and we were reconciling? ugh. I don't know if they met or not but back in February he was calling her baby and sending nudes. I was disgusted and immediately broke up again calling and saying nasty things. I took 2 days to cool down but he was constantly calling and texting. We started talking again which at this point infuriated my mother. She asked me how much I would take from this man. She then took matters into her own hands and texted him to leave me alone he is no longer wanted in the family. after this text he then stated he needed space. It has been 30 days and the tables have turned and I am now begging him. he finally texted me today that he is over it and I need to move on that my family hates him and there is no reconciling that. I am very sad and now blaming myself thinking that all my accusations, insecurities and jealousy in the beginning drove him to cheat and that me being so mean to him while fighting instead of just showing disappointment pushed him to the point where now he no longer wants to reconcile. I know it sounds like we had a bad relationship but besides the fights mentioned above we had a great relationship. always laughing, spending every night together, very lovy dovey and affectionate. I have never loved a man more than him and I am now kicking myself thinking that I caused all this to happen, I over react too much and cause drama and now I lost the man i wanted to marry because i brought jealousy from my past. What do you think? My mom and father feel he was just no good to begin with and while he loved me he is just a cheater and no one can be pushed to cheat. or do you feel i was just too bat shit crazy and pushed this man away?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 June 2016):
 No, it was not your fault that he cheated on you.
The choice of cheating is ultimately always on the cheater, no matter what the cheater's partner does. Why ? because there's always an alternative, and better, choice. Even if a guy has the girlfriend from hell, a real harpy much worse than you- he can always LEAVE her first , and then go look for greener pastures. He does not HAVE to cheat on her to relief the stress. In this sense an hyper controlling gf can surely push her man to leave her- but the cheating is unwarranted and optional.
You have faults too, though. Your fault was to stay in this relationship as soon as you found yourself monitoring, spying, snooping, defending your turf, etc.etc. Even more so when you found out he DID cheat but you accepted to stay- and kept monitoring.
You know what's the most important thing in a relationship, the very thing which is the bones, the core of the relationship ?...
Sexual passion ? No, that fades in time. Children ?... Children grow up and leave you, eventually. Similar interests ? You can cultivate your interest with your friends.
It's trust, mutual trust. The feeling that you have found someone that will never stab you in your back, even when you are having problems or incomprehensions. That will never intentionally do something to hurt you even if he is raving mad at you. That will tell you the truth - should it even the harsh truth of : I don't love you anymore , I want out.
But no tricks and no deception. We live in a difficult world where we may have to deal with tricksters and deceivers at any turn of the road. But at least within the walls of your home , so to speak, you would want to stay relaxed , without always having to wait for the other shoe to drop.
If you can't do that , what's the point. All this sweat , bòòood and tears, all this micromanaging and investigating for what , a conclaimed cheater ? he is a turd. I am already unsure if it's worth fighting for your turf... but fighting for your turd ? nahhhh. Not doable.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (8 June 2016):
 I concur with everything written by Uncle Sage. Too much drama and it's going to lead nowhere. Accept that it's over, be alone for a good six months to a year and figure things out for yourself.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 June 2016):
 This much drama (as you described) can't POSSIBLY be healthy for a "relationship."
Dump this guy... and (then) don't go out with ANYBODY - exclusively - for AT LEAST six months..... In November of this year.... see if you have learned anything about yourself....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): Hi OP,No, none of this is your fault. Please do NOT blame yourself. EVER.It is ALL his fault.YOUR behaviours were a direct result of HIS behaviours. You were reacting to him. Your GUT told you this guy was NOT worthy of you. It told you this from day one. Subconsciously you knew it but wanted so much to be loved and validated by this man whom you cared so much about. But you started digging because you felt a strong need to do this. And you did this as a way of SABOTAGING your relationship. WHY? Because deep down inside, you KNEW he was NO GOOD. You knew HE WAS A CHEATING TYPE. You KNEW he was causing you GREAT ANXIETY AND WORRY AND STRESS. YOU KNEW IT. And you needed to FREE yourself of all this emotional stress and turmoil so you were trying to get to a resolution, a truth. Forcing a conclusion. And it was your way of being able to LET HIM GO. Your way of getting to the TRUTH. Because you knew you could not continue your relationship on a roller coaster at break neck speed. It was going to crash and burn. Even though you wanted him more than ANYTHING, you also wanted to PUSH HIM AWAY just as much, if not more. So your way of gaining or regaining control was constantly monitoring him. You did not want to allow him to get away with what he was doing to you. You were tired of this game. You were protecting your own heart and interests. He was NOT. So, you were standing your ground. Not playing ignorant and smiling pretty, allowing him to get away with all this crap he was laying on you. Your eyes were open and he hated that. He hated that you were watching him. Hated that you were wise to him. You are every philanderer's worst nightmare for a girlfriend. I say this respectfully. I admire your guts. And your balls. I think you may have stayed too long and fought too hard for a man who was not worth it in the end. But I can see your reasoning.Now, it is over. It is REALLY over. Do not blame yourself. Even if you went back to him, the same problems would always repeat themselves and you would be destined to fall apart eventually. He needs some self reflection and has some growing up to do. You could also benefit from time away from this toxic, self esteem sucking sham of a relationship to heal yourself and perhaps also figure yourself out.You were trying to beat him into shape. But it does not work this way. He will not change. Neither will you. And you would only have continued to butt heads. Perhaps even continued a vicious cycle of breaking up and getting back together. This relationship was in no way healthy for either of you. Especially you, sweetie.Now you are sad because you miss him and the good times and you feel empty and alone. What you are feeling is perfectly natural so don't beat yourself up. You miss having him there, the "in love" feeling, the drama, the addiction of him... The feel good chemicals have subsided and have gone from high to low. We have to go through the pain in order to get to the other side again. Don't fear it. Just ride it out. Eventually it will subside. Do not think the answer to your pain is getting back together with him or that he can make it all better. You know he cannot. He has proven that he cannot. But most importantly is the fact he has proven he is a cheater. And that he does not respect you. And he does not love you. A man who cheats on a woman does not love her. Or he would never inflict that kind of pain on her.Think of yourself as free. Free of pain. Worry. Stress. Anxiety. You will finally have PEACE OF MIND. And not have to be emotionally tortured the way you were. Surely you can see how much HAPPIER you are and will be without this man in your life.Take good care.This too shall pass.And someday... sooner than you think... you will find yourself a GOOD GUY. Yes, THEY DO EXIST. They ARE real.I know you'd never think so reading Dear Cupid, but they are out there.NOT ALL MEN ARE CHEATERS!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 June 2016):
 "My mom and father feel he was just no good to begin with and while he loved me he is just a cheater and no one can be pushed to cheat. or do you feel i was just too bat shit crazy and pushed this man away?"
I think it's a bit of both.
I think you are WAY to controlling to have a healthy relationship. And I think HE was/is disrespectful towards your feelings.
Let me explain with examples from your post.
You write:
"Unfortunately, I think that was a curse because I started fighting about girls he claimed were friends texting him or commenting on his facebook. "
It's not a curse. You need to accept responsibility here. YOU INVADED his privacy, by going through his e-mail. And when you didn't find a smoking gun, but something you didn't WANT to see... (him wishing his ex well and that he thought about her) you started to see EVERY woman as a threat to you relationship, when in reality... YOU were the only threat so far.
Saying to an ex that you think about them and wish them well, doesn't mean you are not over them or that you think of them in a sexual manner. The two of you had ONLY been dating a month at that time so there was no certainty that you two were going to work. If they had an amicable break up, they might have been trying to stay friends afterwards. Loads of people do. It's definitely not always a good idea, but for some it works, for others it's doesn't.
When you started fighting with him OVER girls who posted on his FB, he BLOCKED them to avoid the drama. But then you escalated things. What you don't seem to get is that HE didn't ASK them to post stuff on HIS FB, or to LIKE things on HIS FB.
Then we get to the whole work thing.
"I asked him to keep it professional and not hand out his number if they need to contact him for a workout session they could email him."
MANY MANY MANY personal trainers/trainers at gym give out their phone number to clients. It's part of the deal, and not for YOU to control either. (As long as he keeps them professional).
Then more insecure moments for you, more controlling moments and then he cheats on you. AND YOU take him back!
Did you "make" him cheat? Yes and no. Cheating is a choice. Judging by many posts here on DC people DO sometimes cheat because they are lashing out at a partner who is accusing them falsely of cheating. So they decide, if she thinks I'm a cheater I might as well be one! NOT that it excuses that behavior, but it does explain it.
Why would you take him back after he cheated? Is that really a guy you would want to marry? Someone who cheats on, and then doesn't take responsibility for it?
I strongly suggest you work on your insecurities, control and trust issues or you will continue to sabotage every relationship you get into.
YOU have to understand and accept that you CAN NOT control everything. You can't change people.
The ONLY control you have, is HOW you react, behave, think and feel.
But with ALL that said, it wasn't JUST your fault the relationship didn't work out. I think you two were NOT a good match. I think you two brought the "worst" out in each other.
I don't think you WANT to be the way you were, but the only way to fix that is for you to take responsibility for your behavior and figure out WHY you do it and how to NOT do it. FOR next time. This guy, this ship.. has sailed. He wasn't a Keeper.
Jealousy happens, but what SO many people presume is that jealous equals love. It doesn't. It more often equals a toxicity in the relationship.
Don't BEAT yourself up. WORK on yourself. Look online for ways to becomes more self-confident, secure. DO NOT feed the "insecurity monster" by snooping, by making outrageous demands.
Don't ignore red flags.
Find out WHAT your standards are. What you are OK with and what you are not, and then STICK to that. Be able to VERBALIZE your boundaries. And realize that you have no control over 95% of things in life. But you CAN control how you react.
Accept that this relationship failed. It happens. Time to move on and DO BETTER in the future.!
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