A
male
age
36-40,
*ky5
writes:Hey,Bare with me this is long but for a bit of backstory...Ive been with this girl for about 6 months and she is great, we hang out all the time and are really close and affectionate with eachother. We have discussed that we would like to have a long term relationship eith eachother and what that entails for each of us and are in complete agreement.I have been cheated on before and i have made her aware of this. She has said that she has never cheated before, would not and would dump me if i did and i said the exact same thing.This weekend she was working and i was at an impromptu party. I messaged her not long after she had finished work and invited her.She replied that she had been invited out by some friends and since they had offered to pay she was going out with them. I told her i hoped she had a good night and asked her where she was going. I got no reply...fair enough must be busy.I messaged her again at the end of my night to ask her how her night had been. She replied saying she was home and now going to bed soon. I told her about my night and asked what she had been up to. She responded by saying she was going to sleep and wished me good night.Throughout the night she hadnt actually told me what she had been up to or where she had been, which was unusual but i thought nothing of it at the time.The day after she stayed over at mine. Early in the night we were talking about my night and i asked her where she had gone to herself the night before. She replied "oh just places" and when i asked who with "just people". She being really cagey about it in a way i have never seen her do before. At this point i was kinda concerned but i let it drop for a few hours.Later i directly asked her why she had been cagey about it before and she told me there was no reason and that she had planned to go to a friends but it had been too far and nobody would have been able to share a taxi back so instead she had gone to her mums.My first thought and i said was why wouldnt you tell me that. I didnt get a reply that made sense. We then went to bed and she fell asleep. It was a very hot night, i couldnt sleep and my paranoia set in. It wasnt like her to hide things like that. We have always had an honest relationship.My curiosity, paranoia and anxiety got the better of me. I grabbed her phone and went into the other room to get some answers. Note: i know that isnt acceptable in a trusting relationship but i didnt know what else to do.I looked through her messages and i didnt really see anything that incriminating recently or indeed anything from the night previous at all. I should have stopped looking then but i didnt.I dont know why perhaps i was determined to find something wrong. I kept looking at older stuff. I noticed a few messages from a guy she had told me about, we'll call him "Colin"When i met her she had recently returned from living in Australia for a few years with her then partner. She had explained that she wasnt happy with her then partner and Colin was a close friend who she used to talk to often about it, including all night whilst her then partner slept. He apparently was not happy with it (i wouldnt have been either)Some of these messages were fairly recent and fairly regular. But it seemed they often went a week without messaging. The messages for the most part werent bad ("how are you?" "What have you been up to?" Etc) but they were also extremely familiar and a little creepy ("hey gorgeous" "i love you" "i miss you" "when you coming to see me?" From both him and her) Remember that Colin is in Australia and we the UK.I looked through more of Colins messages and whilst they had dropped off since she was back in the UK whilst they were in Australia and whilst she had been with her then partner. The messages never got sexual or dirty but he was definitely her emotianal confidant and they were probably having an emotional affair. But he made it clear that he wanted more throughout it. Including telling her he wanted to be with her and offering to move to the UK with her. Her replies to him always seemed to dodge when he made it clear he wanted to go further. She didnt do too much to encourage but certainly did nothing to discourage it either. This got alarm bells ringing for me. I looked through more (i know should have stopped) i noticed another guy who messages seemed creepily close, i love you i miss you etc. This was from another guy who she met in Australia, another guy she messaged often. We'll call this guy "George".I looked through Georges messages and these got sexual, flirty and they had exchanged pics. It seemed that none of this has happened whilst we are together but probably whilst she was with her ex. I had read enough and decided to go back to bed. I was releaved that there didnt seem to be anything bad since i had been with her but i did feel a bit shitty for not trusting her and for stealing her phone but also concerned that she was still talking regulaly to Colin and George and the creepiness of their messages.Going back to bed, she was up and awake and as soon as i walked through the door she asked for her phone back. Shit, busted. This began a long discussion (no shouting) she asked me why because she thought we were happy. I explained that i was sorry and that i shouldnt have done it. I explained that initially i was concerned about her being cagey about the party the night previous. I told her that i hadnt found anything about last night to concern me and that i felt like an ass. She knows me and figured there was more.Eventually i told her id looked through Colin and Georges messages and that they concerned me. She said she had told me about Colin before (which she had) and that George was just a friend. I said that apart from the creepiness nothing has happened recently but stuff has happened with them before and whilst she was with her ex.She said that they both knew where they stood. I said to her that i was concerend because she still liked the attention and whilst she says she has never cheated and didnt cheat on her ex she was willing to do that when she was with him...what would she be willing to do when were together.This is where things get interesting. Ultimately i was apologising and saying i was just concerned because of her previous cageyness. This is where she decided to tell the truth about the night previous. She explained that she was going to go out with her work friends and that it was all arranged when on of the guys she works with came on to her and told her that he wanted her and wanted them to go to the party together as a couple...(wtf!?! I knew there was something wrong) So thats why she didnt go and went to her mums instead.I said that i was happy she had told me but wished she had told me sooner but was happy that she decided not to go. I asked her why she didnt tell me that in the first place. She said that there was nothing i could do and that she wasnt gonna tell me anyway and only did because of what had happened.I asked her who he was but she refused saying that there was nothing i could do and it would only upset me.So there we are she has not long left saying she needs to think, after us having a long discussion with her saying i want out of the relationship because i look for problems and me trying to convince her that i do want to be with her, i do trust her but that she needs to not hide things and she needs to tell me who this guy is.Let me clarify i still want to be with her but im not sure if she does any more. I dont think she has cheated on me but she was acting suspiciously. I do think she should tell me which work guy it was, not so i can "deal" with him but because she does hang out with them socially often and we are going to 2 parties with them over the next month (if were still together) and i dont want to have to be looking over my shoulder and wondering which one it is. I do think she has dealth with the situation but she can get a little over friendly when drunk. I am concerned with her conversations with Colin and George but kinda understand why they started and hope that they will die off eventually. I do trust her but think she has acted suspiciously but i do feel like an ass.. there was no real need for this situation...Thank you for your patience. Any advice would be appreciated.Please dont judge me too harshly, i know i acted rashly and i know i can get jealous. Thanks
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affair, cheated on me, drunk, flirt, her ex, I love you, jealous Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 June 2016):
 I will try and not be to harsh here.
If I was in her shoes I'd dump you in a heartbeat. There is NO room in a healthy relationship for snooping like this. The fact that you didn't JUST see what had gone on that night in question, that night she was "cagey" about, no you went through months worth of texts that has NOTHING to do with you. It's invading her privacy and it NEVER fixes anything.
The reason she was "cagey" was because she had to deal with advances from a co-worker and it not only annoyed her, it pissed her off, but see... SHE is a big girl and sorted things out herself, she told him to go fly a kite and extracted herself from the situation (by going to her Mom's house instead). She CHOSE to not tell you, because SHE already dealt with the situation and didn't NEED you to rescue her, or "fix" things. NOR did she want to make waves or drama at work.
If she CONSTANTLY had been secretive then I can understand the curiosity, but it still doesn't excuse what you did.
You two have been dating 6 months. She doesn't HAVE to tell you who it is. SHE dealt with it. If YOU had backed off the "Spanish Inquisition" she might have told you what was going on in her OWN time.
You say you trust her, but your actions says otherwise. It says that you feel it's your "right" to go through her phone because something was off. Instead of telling her, you know this just feels off, if you want to talk about I will listen and not judge. (if you CAN do that). THAT is how you two build trust. NOT by going through her phone.
She is not your ex. So making her somehow responsible for the cheating your ex did is not realistic or fair.
Give her time and space and see if she can forgive it or not. And while you do that... Think long and hard how YOU would have felt if the shoe had been on the other foot. If she had gone through your phone to the extend YOU went through hers.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2016): you don't need to know who this guy is, all you need to know is she did the right thing and didn't go out with him. As for snooping you are the one who cannot be trusted, sorry but there it is. I have a male best friend who lives in UK I tell him that I love him and miss him, I also tell the same to my friend who lives 2 hours away, it doesn't mean anything except friendship, he knows that and I know that. You are making problems out of things that aren't actually problems. Try and get some therapy for your jealousy because at the moment you don't trust her and that is the real problem here. Don't snoop in future and forget about who the guy from work is, it doesn't matter who he is what matters is your girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (8 June 2016):
 You realize that the exact reason she didn't tell you about the guy was because you'd get upset and demand who he was right? I don't think it's your business to demand who the guy is. If you are really secure about the relationship and she is setting her boundaries, then I think you need to let it go and trust her. As far as her past is concerned: Many aunts will likely disagree with me here, but I think people can change. People have different motivations to cheat-cowardice, attention, etc. Your relationship is totally different than the one she had with the other guy. Give her the benefit of the doubt--especially since she has now officially sounded very trustworthy--you don't have all the facts to say that history will repeat itself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): Under the circumstances you did the right thing to check, I'd have done the same if I was in a relationship.
Relationships are about trust and honesty and if there isn't any in that then it's not really a relationship.
The best thing to do, would be for you both to go to relationship counciling and to open up to each other about how you feel and discuss your issues with the counciler and see how it goes from there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): Looking through her phone like that was abusive, if you can't trust her leave her, don't micromanage her every second. If you're incapable of trusting anyone then it's up to you to seek professional help, not up to your partners to cope with your extreme behaviour.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): The only thing you need to know is you didn't trust her when she didn't feel up for telling you about her night, so you snooped, which means you can't be trusted. Don't snoop; if they're innocent - you're guilty.
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