A
female
age
30-35,
*idsummer
writes:My boyfriend and I have been living for 5 months together now, and almost a year together. Our relationship has honestly been a lot of ups an downs, and the reason why I stay with him is because I do love him and he is the only and first man to actually take me serious and want something serious with me.The problem arises when he decides to play video games and skype with his friends until 5 a.m., not even caring that I have to wake up the next day.He starts playing at 7. He doesn't have work the next day, which is why he does it. We live in a small apartment, and I can hear everything he says while playing when I'm trying to get some sleep.I've told him many many times how this affects me, and I even bought ear plugs which don't help much. He does sometimes try to keep it quiet, but his computer is facing the wall towards the bedroom and he says we can't move it. So all of the noise echos towards the bedroom. I don't know what to do anymore. I know it's just one day, but it's one day too much. I get into work tired and grumpy because I've only slept 3 to 4 hours, the night before.What can I do ?? I am seriously concerned and exhausted. What tips can you give me to deal with this?Thanks.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 June 2016):
 Of course you can ask as many questions as you want ! Nobody is challenging or questioning your right to post any time you have a relationship issue- should that be even once a day. In fact, the more questions we get, the better is for DC.
There's a problem, though.
That not always what you CAN do is also necessarily a healthy, good, or smart choice.
You CAN smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day if you want, it is absolutely your right - but if you consult a health forum for the name of the best cough syrup against that pesky cough of yours , you'll be told " Forget about syrup - quit smoking already "
You CAN stay in an abusive relationship if you want ( and sorry, intentionally depriving you of sleep IS a form of abuse ) but it 's not a " cosmetic " fix like ,say, a better brand of earplugs , which will turn an issue- ridden , dysfunctional relationship into a solid, happy one.
A
female
reader, Midsummer +, writes (8 June 2016):
Midsummer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for answering my questions, and giving me your opinions.It really does help a lot. Thanks for your advice.This is a free website, where people can ask as many questions as they want.Thank you very much
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 June 2016):
 Actually a white noise generator will help a lot. Additional insulation is also helpful, but if it is him talking (does he shout / get excited?) you may need to box him in to make it quiet enough.I really think that you need to have an alternate sleeping arrangement ready to go at any time. He will notice that you are spending the night away. It will affect his choices. A better way to approach it would be to move out and only agree to sleep over when you don't have work the next day. I guarantee he won't be gaming if it is the only night he has to be with you. I think it is important for people in relationships to have outside hobbies and interests. But part of that is having Priorities, and reasonable commitment to the partner first. Sure I spend nights away from home with my hobby. They are scheduled in advance. My spouse approves. And the number of night is around 12 per year. That's one a month not one a week. See the difference?I mentioned previously Sleep compatibility. You probably can't google that and get a good definition. So let me offer some examples.My Wife needs to sleep about 9 hours every day. It's her health a leftover form High School Mono. I'm sleeping 6-7 hours a night. So we are incompatible. To aid that We have to make adjustments for each other. I go to bed earlier than I want to. I watch tv on a small tablet, or read on a Kindle (backlit) with headphones and she wears a sleep mask. But she gets the comfort of me being with her. Some nights we just have to take separate rooms but mostly it works.Some people with age and weight gain begin snoring. Their partners suffer sleep deprivation as a result. Some times the snorer is insensitive and refuses to seek medical help (sometimes including surgery) for the benefit of the partner. Some couples don't have shared bedtimes or wake up times or even sleep schedules (due to shift work) as a result their sex life drops off or stops completely. You can see that sleep incompatibility can be a serious relationship issue. You can see from some of the comments here how emotional people can get about it. This is a serious issue. It really is something that can break up a relationship. This is not the only trouble in your relationship. I would say that it really is time to evaluate the relationship. A stressful relationship affects your job, and your overall health. Is he really worth it? Is it time for a trial separation? If you continue unwilling to separate, As a practical matter buy a full sheet of foam insulation from your local home improvement store. Put it between the computer and the wall. You will need to make cut outs for the cords. The next in order of cost is a white noise generator. Sold in the alarm clock area. As the most expensive option and possibly too uncomfortable for sleep look into noise canceling headphones. They put out a negative sound that deletes the background noise. Thanks for the follow up FA
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 June 2016):
 if he has headphones and he won't move the computer and you hear him talking and that wakes you and you really REALLY want to make this work (why oh why)
then I suggest a white noise machine in the bedroom for you ON HIGH. that may help.
if with headphones and earplugs you hear him talking then you may be overly sensitive to noise and may need to be in a silent environment to sleep. this means being alone.
what else other than his inconsiderate nature and disregard for your health and safety are issues with him?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 June 2016):
 "What can I do ??"
Dump this "boyfriend" and get one who gives a damn about you.....
Good luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2016): Move out and let him visit. It's time he grows-up if he wants to have a girlfriend, and he should be considerate. Why is he up all hours gaming? Doesn't he have a job or school?
Are you supporting the two of you? You say you love him. Does he love you enough to be considerate and listen when you say he is depriving you of sleep? Loss of sleep breaks your concentration, it affects your job-performance, it causes your weight to fluctuate, and it keeps you in a bad mood.
He's too childish if he spends all his time gaming. Now you know you've made an unwise decision in moving in with him.
There has to be a compromise on when you sleep. He has to find quieter games or lower the volume; and shut his mouth when you're getting your rest. He should go to bed at the same time. If you have conflicting schedules, you didn't think before you decided to move-in with a big kid. Even worse, one who entirely ignores you when you plead with him to be quiet to allow you to sleep. He needs something more important to do than play around all day.
Even better than all this. Get a job, so he'll be tired at the end of the day. He has too much playtime on his hands, and you have no right to complain if you put up with it, just to have a boyfriend around.
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A
female
reader, Midsummer +, writes (8 June 2016):
Midsummer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe does put his headphones, but I can still hear him talking.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 June 2016):
I'm a big proponent of sleep compatibility. What I see here is you doing everything possible to live with this and him not plugging in headphones. Did I get that right?
One thing that is possible is to add a sheet of foam insulation between the computer and the bedroom. As a last resort is there somewhere else you can sleep one night a week? It would certainly get his attention.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (7 June 2016):
 "the reason why I stay with him is because I do love him and he is the only and first man to actually take me serious and want something serious with me" - terrible reason. You're literally justifying staying with him because you feel there's nobody else out there who would want something serious with you. You're selling yourself short and settling.You probably moved in way too soon. I mean, *almost* a year together and living together for 5 of them - not usually conducive to a healthy, happy relationship because the foundation is rarely there."he decides to play video games and skype with his friends until 5 a.m., not even caring that I have to wake up the next day.He starts playing at 7" - 10 hours of playing video games and chatting, through the night.... That's out of control and quite adolescent, to be honest.What you say to him is "I'm all for you playing games and talking to your friends, but you need to stop by 11pm because I need sleep and it's not fair to keep me up. Maybe play twice a week, but all noise needs to be minimal after 11pm, to be considerate of each other." Be firm with him because he's being insensitive, even if he doesn't mean to be.Why did you move in together so soon? Why do you feel he wants something serious with you? Why are you driven for seriousness at such a young adult stage? What sort of seriousness and "timeline" are you hoping for - with this guy or just your life in general?
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