A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:[Moderator's Note: 2 questions from the same poster have been merged into one post]So I'm going to try to break down a lot of facts into short statements:Dated a girl for 4 months and moved in together.Lived together for 5 months and got engaged.Wedding is in 3 months.Total time together is now...13 months.She's a great woman. At the beginning of our relationship the only problem we had was she still talked to her ex boyfriend. She knew I didn't like it but kept doing it. I should've set my boundaries but I kept accepting her doing it because I didn't want to lose her.She went back to her hometown for a visit with family. She ended up meeting her ex for lunch without telling me. I found out through a mutual friend and it shattered our trust. Almost ended our relationship. She begged me to forgive her and I finally did.(merged 2nd question)So my girlfriend grew up in Florida. She went to visit her family for two weeks and was texting her ex boyfriend the whole time she was there.I found out because we have a joint cell account. The last day of her trip she met him for lunch but lied to me and said she was going to have lunch with a girlfriend.We broke up for a day. She got home (she was living with me) and begged me to not leave her. She said nothing happened and she was sorry she broke my trust. I asked her to be honest with me and if she did anything. She said no. ( I know anybody would deny it.)before all of this i wouldn't think her capable of cheating.The reasons I think she might be telling the truth are the following;she called me every night she was over there from her parents house landline until 3 or 4 am. Every night.The day she met him for lunch she called on her way there and on her way back. Total time 1 hour 20 min.Should I believe her? When I asked her why she lied to me she said she didn't think I would understand. That she and her ex were together 1 1/2 years. He broke up with her and for a long time before she met me she couldn't face him without crying or feeling sad. But she wanted to see him and for the first time she wanted him to see that she was over him and was ok. Apparently she would send him messages saying she still loved him and stuff like that for months after they broke up. Even 3 months before she met me still.She let me read all her myspace messages between them so I could see she was telling the truth and it confirmed what she was saying.So, should I believe her? Or is my mind just trying to justify her not cheating because I want to be with her?(2nd question ends)It was hard at first but she has been amazing ever since. Totally different. She cut all contact with him. She's Loving, etc...so after a couple of months we got engaged.Little by little I have been noticing things. She has more guy friends that girl friends on her phone. (doesn't talk to them much though.) on her myspace she gets messages from guys saying glad to hear from you. Hope you're doing well, I miss you. Congrats on the engagement. The kind of simple small talk stuff that a guy sends a girl he has hooked up with in the past. (at least from my experience.) she knows I read her messages and is ok with. She gave me her myspace password.I'm wasn't a virgin and l knew she wasn't when we met. But I have only been with 4 girls before her. She said she has only been with 3 guys before me.I believed her but now that I'm seeing all the old messages I'm not so sure. Should it matter if she lied about the number?I just don't want to end up marrying a girl that's been around. Selfish? Maybe but it's the truth. How do I know? Is my imagination reading way too much into these messages? Some are from guys a long time ago, some were from weeks before she met me.Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.
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broke up, engaged, fiance, her ex, moved in, my ex, myspace, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): dude, that sounds psycho. You keep reading her myspace shit? ( anyway who has a myspace nowadays? But thata beside the point. That should be something personal, you have no business there. And when a guy swnds her a msg saying ' oh hey cool seeing you again, congrants on ur engagement' it usually means exaclty what it says. Ur watching a lot of tv or something, it doesn't mean that she hooked up with them what kinda bullshit is that buddy? If they had hooked up it would say something likke 'hey! I see ur engaged now, too bad for me' or some bs like that. So just relax and don't creep her out with ur imagination. You don't want her to actually cheat on you at the end bc ur being this way. But yea, I'd be pissed if I found out my bf met up for lunch wth his ex, in that case I'd do the dame. But that's just me. I believe in if you do it I do to. So idk. And one more thing, why the fuck are you marrying someone you just met a yr ago? That's fucking stupid man!!!. How old are you? 40? I bet ur like 24 comefucking on.. Is not gonna work. I bet you!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): I wrote this question. I think you all are right. I have a bad habit of over-analyzing every little detail.
Yes, she was wrong for not telling me about meeting the ex. And you all were right. She said it was because she knew I would turn it into a huge argument and she just wanted to be happy with me.
I, myself, have never felt a need to meet up with an ex. I just don't see the logic behind it. It'll just bring up old memories, feelings, etc. So I guess I excpected the same from her.
Bottom line is she has changed, begged for forgiveness for not being honest with me, and is an amazing woman. I just personally have never been able to remain friends with someone whom I have been intimate with.
Just a friendly hello if I happen to run into them but never an actual let's sit down have lunch and talk about your life/or mine. It's just weird to me. It has to bring up memories and I feel like I'm disrespecting my current partner by doing that.
Thank you for all your advice. I need to just forget it happened and base my decisions on how she is now with me. I do love her dearly but sometimes find my imagination getting the better of me.
Deep down I think that I have a little issue of insecurity I need to work on. I find myself thinking, "she's still having lunch with her ex because she wishes she was still with him instead of you."
even though she's told me I am ten times better than all of her ex's.
Thanks again. I will work on it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): You ask should it matter if she lied?I ask you, why is there a "should" in this? Your feelings are your feelings. You don't have the option of turning them off and you shouldn't apologize for having them. You are choosing a life partner, not running for political office. Forget being politically correct and start worrying about being happy in your own personal life for the next few decades. Just deal with the feelings in mature ways. You have the right to expect honesty but if you are too controlling you will not be happy either way.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 January 2010):
Normally I am a little suspicious of people who meet with ex's, because my girlfriend met with her ex on my birthday and cheated, and I know of plenty of other people who have experienced problems when an ex comes back. However on this occasion, I don't think she cheated and I don't think you need to worry about the other guys, or the number of people she has been with. The reason is she has shows you all her messages, she has begged for forgiveness and has been entirely open with you. Enjoy your engagement, marry the girl and be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): You are not talking about trust... you are talking about control.
There should not be any problem with her seeing any other man for lunch, even an ex, if you trust her. She may tell you not because she wants to cheat but because the fight is not worth it.
I would not get into this checking of accounts and all.. myspace or facebook or anything. Take a step back, get her to change her password and don't take it even if she wants to share it. Let her be.
You only have so much time and so much space in your head. Either you spend time speculating what she did when she's not with you, or you can spend that time making memories that would tie her closer to you. Think about what she likes, what you like, what you like to do together. Her family. Your family. Her job, yours... instead of being a detective. It's your choice.
Marriages and relationships work if you give each other space to be. You sound like you will soon start following her with a cam to see what she does. Not healthy at all.
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A
male
reader, weparley +, writes (4 January 2010):
Dude why are you even talking marriage right now in the first place?
I promise you, you and her or not going to be happy after.(marriage)
LOL! Why the rush though? Don't be a douche bag and marry just because it sounds cool.
Answer to your question..."YEAH SHE'S CHEATING"
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