A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Here is the background: I met this guy who's different than anyone I've ever known. I feel lucky to have met him. We both really like each other. We appreciate each other's humor, interests, differences, etc. We also have amazing chemistry. We complement each other. The thing is...I live in L.A. and he lives in San Francisco. We started out not wanting to do the long-distance thing. But it's grown to become that--because, when we're apart, we miss each other and want to be together again. He takes the bus down to visit me when he can. I drive and/or fly up to visit him when I can. We've been doing this (with no label on it besides "dating") since October 2010. So, here's the current situation: I drove up to visit him last weekend. He said he loved me (he says it all of the time). I told him, "I think you THINK you love me. But you can't really love me. You've only known me a few months." He's like, "I think I've made it pretty clear how I feel about you. I think you're wonderful. We have everything in common. I would marry you..." I told him I adore him and would do anything for him. But he seemed hurt by this. He said he thinks I have walls up and that I'm insecure. (Who isn't?) I do have walls up. But I really like him--so much so, that I'm afraid of completely opening up. When I left him, he seemed to have cooled way down--whereas, normally he's really open--telling me he loves me and will miss me. So, since we've had this conversation last weekend, he still texts me just about every day--and I do him. But, there are no sweet words (i.e. I miss you madly, etc.) anymore. He only says "I miss you" if I say it first. Did I mess everything up? Or, is he holding back because he's afraid he realized that he's too open and he doesn't want to get hurt? Sorry this is so long-winded. I hope he still adores me as always--because I adore him so much--it's just hard for me to be as open about it as he has been with me. Thank you for your advice.
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male
reader, Captain Ziggy  +, writes (22 February 2011):
 He's holding back because hes afraid of being hurt. He's building his walls up now to prepare for the worst. He wasn't thinking about the worst because your incident happened. I've done the same thing hes doing now.
You need to reassure him of your feelings towards him. If that means opening up a little, then you're going to have to do that for him.
You didn't mess it up, he still loves you, he's just trying to distance himself a bit because he doesn't think you care as much about him as he does you. Hes trying to get himself on the same level he thinks you are on. I've done this before also.
Talk to him, and most of all reassure him. All of what hes doing now would disappear if you opened up a little, I guarantee it.
A
female
reader, iloveyhoo  +, writes (22 February 2011):
 Well by the seems off it you really like him , so maybe you should give him a chance, and let them walls down. Tell him you miss him first to let him know youre not holding back, and in this way he will know that you still like him. I think the only reason why hes not saying it first is because after that coversation hes not sure how much you really like him, so at the moment hes trying to hold himself back a bit. Just tell him you miss him and that youre ready for whatever he wants to happen, he just cant rush into it, because you need time when it comes to stuff like this. . .
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