A
female
age
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*vespen
writes:I am 51 years old and seperated 2 years going through divorce. I became involved with a 49 year old widower. In June of last year. His wife was my friend who died one month earlier. I was extremely reluctant but he pursued me relentlessy with gifts ,love and caring. In Nov. of last year I noticed subtle and glaring inconsistencies. He disappeared for all holidays i.e Thanksgiving, Christmas ,New Years Eve and Day. Hearing from him 1-2 days after. Stated he was going through tough times and wanted to be alone. he stopped dialling me frequently and it seemed like I was the pursuer. I told him my concerns re the relationship. He would not discuss same and kept saying everything is o.k. On Jan 10 this year I left a voice mail telling him I didnt need him and he was free to go. Today is Jan 20th. Still no calls from him I think I made the right choice by cutting my losses and moving on What do you think?
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female
reader, evespen +, writes (20 January 2010):
evespen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your well thought of answers. It did help to allay alot of my concerns.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (20 January 2010):
 It sounds like he rushed into an affair but had no clue who he is inside. He's still probably trying to get his head screwed on straight.
Its not you. Its him, obviously. Give him space, give him time. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best; but move on for your own sake.
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A
female
reader, old-spinstah  +, writes (20 January 2010):
Sounds like you've both been going through a tough time but I think you've done the right thing in moving on. It's your life - you don't want to hang around for some guy to sort himself out and doesn't appear to want to be with you at the moment.
Ordinarily, I would be terming him a "player" because he pursued you so relentlessly but since it was so soon after his wife's death, I think it was more likely to be part of the grief process. Bereavement can make people behave very uncharactaristically. It might not have been pleasant for you, ultimately - but you know it's not your fault.
It might also be significant that all this happened over the holiday season. If he spent time with family members it could have given rise to memories and uncomfortable thought about where he goes from here. Maybe some members of his family disapprove of him starting a new relationship so quickly and it's made him think.
Either way, he's a bit messed up at the moment and not in the headspace for a relationship.
I don't know what the tone or the content of the message you left was when you finished with him but if you felt that you were a little harsh. You could write to him explaining your reasons more clearly and say that you appreciated the time you did spend togther (if that's how you feel). If you're hurting though, you might not want to.
Take care
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 January 2010):
I think you did. Clearly he wasn't ready for a relationship with someone else, though he thought he was. I'm sorry to say that I think you were more of a rebound to help him through his difficult times. Focus on your own life, and don't give up on finding the right guy for you.
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