A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So... a few things... I am an attractive guy, one night stands never did it for me so after the few that I had, I stopped them. I can't stand girls who do have them a lot. I met this girl.. and she is the sweetest thing on earth, we are madly attracted to each other and we hit it off like I never have before with anyone. We get along perfectly, talk out our problems, we are always thinking the same thing and have the same exact interests in every category. This has been for 3 months. We call each other soul mates and say I love you.. here's the catch. I've always went after the sweet, shy ones and I don't give the promiscuous ones the time of day. When "The how many partners" question came up, she tells me "over 20 but less than 30", and she also says she can't remember if she has had sex on the beach. wtf is that.. can't remember if you had sex on the beach? Makes me think she is a slut if you can't remember something like that. I've only had 6 partners (2 one night stands) we are both 26. What do you think about 20-30 partners.. and I know I have to get over this if she is my soulmate and I have NOT questioned her about her amount of partners, just pisses me off that I find someone like this that goes completely against my thoughts on that kind of thing. I can't just let her go, she's my everything right now.. how can I get over this?
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I love you, one night stand, shy, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): I'm sorry, that must be quite dissapointing . It's really only up to you to decide what you feel about this. If someone told me this though, I would have been quite upset. She shouldve told you sooner!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009): Firstly, I would suggest you look at yos’ answers to similar questions (he’s an agony uncle on this site and has already given a lot of good advice on this subject).
As for my opinion; you say you can’t stand women who have a lot of one-night-stands, but how many of those 20+ partners were one-night-stands? If the majority weren’t one-night-stands then I think we may have a case like k_c 100 has outlined, where perhaps she’s been searching for her soul mate too, just that she’s found a lot of guys that she thought might be that person and ended up not being him. It’s just that you’ve only had 4 relationships (I’m assuming the 4 other partners were relationships), where you were looking for something long term but things didn’t work out. Is it really fair to hold it against her that she had to go through more relationships to find you than you did?
If, however, a lot of the partners were one night stands, then I can understand your position.
You say she “threw out the number before any type of question came up”. How did she seem when she did this? Was it somewhat boastful or more regretful for example? This might help identify the reasons for her past behaviour. Having a CALM and NON-JUDGEMENTAL conversation with her about this subject would also probably help to uncover these reasons. Just because she’s been with this amount of guys doesn’t necessarily mean she’s one of those “promiscuous ones”. Perhaps she was going through a tough time in her life and this was the only way she knew how to deal with it. If this is the case, she probably wasn’t trying to sleep with a lot of guys; it just turned out that way.
If it was in a more boastful manner and her answers tend to a more casual approach to sex, then she probably does just sees sex as more of a fun thing rather than anything more meaningful; in which case these were probably not mistakes, merely a different lifestyle choice. Here I think you either have to come to terms with the fact that she was that type of girl, which you would normally try to avoid, and deal with it (which might be quite difficult given your current stance), or move on.
Just bear in mind though that you may not find someone else, with whom you click so well.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 March 2009):
 It is quite normal for women to have more sexual partners than men and still they are not sluts. In my case, I am only 21 but I have slept with 16 guys, only one of which was a one night stand. This isnt because I sleep around or anything like that, the only reason the number is so high is because I have been in serious relationships since the age of 15, all of which last for around a year or so. Then the rest were guys I was dating that didnt work out (only lasted for a couple of months).
So in essence, yes the number can be high but often it is just because of the number of relationships women enter into, whereas men tend to stay single for longer periods of time. You need to bear in mind too that men put a lot of pressure on a girl to sleep with them; if you have been dating someone for a couple of weeks then the man automatically assumes you will sleep with them, and if you dont, they will move on to the next girl. Men get the choice if they want to sleep with someone or not, whereas women are under more pressure to sleep with someone in order to keep hold of the guy!
These are not excuses to sleep around, rather they are just annoying social prejudices that women have to deal with. And what is more annoying about it is that when a girl finally meets someone they can really see themselves settling down with, this sort of thing happens where the guy gets hung up on their "number"!
If you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her then just accept this and deal with it. The liklihood is that at your age meeting girls of a similar age, they are all going to have a pretty high number. So unless you want to start looking for your next soulmate in a younger woman then you need to realise that numbers are not everything, and they do not change you as a person.
You are so lucky to have found someone you truly care about and want to spend the rest of your life with; this sort of thing does not come along often and you need to hold onto it with both hands. The past is the past, you cannot change it so you have to accept it. Instead of focusing on how many people she has slept with; focus on her as a person and all the amazing things you can do in the future together.
I hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (16 March 2009):
The past is the past, if she hadn't done all that stuff then she wouldn't be the girl you love now.
You make mistakes and you learn from them, it's now you grow as a person and don't stay a gullible child.
What do you think about men who like one night stands? Is it ok for them to enjoy sex?
If yes then why is it any different for women? Why can't your girl be allowed to like sex and choose to have it? I bet you'd complain if you wanted sex and she said she didn't want it as it was bad and slutty. I mean I bet you are not willing to wait for marriage.
It's 2009, and if you wanted a scared little virgin to marry then you need to invent time travel.
Accept that it's your attitude that's the problem and not her.
If you throw away a relationship over this then you are an idiot.
Just talk to her and say that you get a bit jealous sometimes and would prefer not to know about her past.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe threw out the number before any type of question came up. i didnt want to know. and yes i can be happy without a girl.. but now that i find someone like this.. that is good advice tho say if i want to discontinue this relationship
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A
male
reader, enjoimx +, writes (16 March 2009):
 That question "doesn't just come up." It's because you are insecure and are seeking validtion from her. I've never asdked my girlfriends that question because I don't care. What does it matter? The past is the past. "she's my everything...", that statement leads me to believe you wouldn't be happy without her, which is a dangerous place to be. I've been there, and when I seek happiness from a girl, I always get burned!
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