A
male
age
41-50,
*elthuzad8888
writes:Hi,I really got to get this out as I don't know what I am doing wrong, maybe there are some factos which I am not taking into account.My wife and I are both young working professionals, my salary is higher than hers by around 30%. We bought a house a year ago when we marry and we both have cars we are still paying for monthly.She got upset at me one day when she asked me to pay for a new dress and I was hesitant about it. That made me upset as I have never asked her to share the expenses - house loan payment, groceries, food, utility, phone, internet, savings plan, house repairs and other expenses. I paid for it all and quite happy to do so. But now she has the gall to get upset when I hesitated to give her money for a dress?I do not really mind paying the money for the dress, but what upset me was that she actually can get upset at me. She said I always hesitated when she asked me money to buy stuff and she doesn't even do that often.From my point of view, I was hesitant because money is always tight, and I always tried to save a little bit for emergency purpose and also for future - we are planning for a baby soon. I have also just managed to clear a serious card debt from the house purchase and renovation and do not want to use the card frivolously again for her purchase. Instead of getting angry, i sat down with her and showed her my spendings, expenses and financial plan. I told her it's not going to be a problem if I gave her the money for the dress, but I don like the fact that she has to get upset about it. I told her I hope she can understand our plan for the future.She was not really convinced and continued harping on the fact that I always rejected her request for money.Is this something I did wrong? Am I suppose to just answer immediately and give her the money? Just to make her happy? We both have agreed to plan financially for the future but she seems to have forgotten it. And it's not like I never buy stuff for her, I do occassionally paid for her purchases when we went shopping.This may all seem terribly one-sided coming from me, but I just wanted the opinion of experienced, mature women who have seen it, done itShould I have just agree immediately the next time to keep her happy?Even after she saw the plan, she was not happy and told me not to worry as she will never ask for money again from me.That was not my intention at all! I just wanted her to understand our situation and tell her she should not be angry if I seem hesitant. I am hesitant even when I want to buy something for myself, which I have not done for the past few months.That's how it ended and left me wondering if I went wrong somewhere in handling the situation. Pray tell your honest opinions, many thanks.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (14 November 2011):
 You are a good husband. Yes she does work, and she could afford to buy her own dress, but she wants a dress from you. The dress becomes sweeter that way, because everytime she wears it, she will think of you and feel like she's wrapped up in your arms. Sorry husband, we women can be so unfair. Yes, you pay the bills, you take care of things, you plan for the future. She knows this, but it's easier to forget. It's hard to hold a paid utility bill in your hand or have a fond memory about the day the phone bill got paid. She can't carry the house and furniture around to show people how thoughtful you are, so that's why she wants a dress, it's portable, it will make her look good, and when she tells people her husband bought it, they will be envious.Sorry, it's not fair, but we women get sentimental about such things.Buy her the dress. Tell her you love her. Tell her, sorry about the argument, because you a just a man, good at making money and sorting out the bills, but no good at these romantic things, and no good at explaining yourself. Kiss her, and then say, but now we got to be good because soon a baby will come and there won't be no money for anything more. It's not just a dress she wants, she wanted a dress from you.
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female
reader, ShiShisAdvice  +, writes (14 November 2011):
 Sorry my advice was so scandalous...forgive me. Let me clarify, but yes, in Islam it is never okay to stress your husband over finances, the asker is from MALAYSIA and the dominant religion is Islam. That is the reason for that route in my answer. And yes, from a woman's perspective to fit in the woman has specific roles in society. One is that her husband SHOULD buy her nice things if he can. So sorry if I offended anyone here.
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female
reader, Curiouser +, writes (30 October 2011):
Well, firstly- hear, hear to Desirewhitefire's comment!
In looking for a practical solution and a bit of a test;
I actually suggest that you insist upon exactly what you've suggested!
Tell her that you want to pool ALL finances from now on. One money pot; mortgage, bills, personal spending; everything comes out of there.
Tell her that you'd like to be able to treat her without hesitation and especially without her having to ask. The current financial arrangement is crippling you from being able to do that because she's not pulling her weight for ANYTHING.
You need to free up the means to be able to treat her, and she needs to pull her weight sufficiently to prove that she's committed to your future together. Your financial plan is about building a future for both of you. If she's committed to spend the rest of her life with you, why is it only you planning for and providing for your future?
What else could she possibly do with 100% of her professional salary? -that's a mighty big piggy bank which she's collecting there!
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female
reader, fr567  +, writes (29 October 2011):
maverick94 - "Also, the best gift is one given at an unexpected time. So buy her something nice (not expensive) when she's least expecting it." What is the use of buying something for your wife after she loses interest in it followed buy your negative reaction?"That way you are showing your love without letting your wallet suffer too much. "It no way shows love but your 'I AM THE MAN' attitude. And 'EVERYTHING SHOULD HAPPEN AT THE TIME I DECIDE, NOT YOU X(, MIND YOU'. This is the same attitude which my ex boy friend had. Every time I asked for something (not expensive) he said 'I will do when right time comes'. That RIGHT TIME never came and I realized that was not the LOVE my heart craved for. It damaged our relationship. Now I even don't know his whereabouts.UNDERSTAND THE FEMALE MINDhmmm...Prevention is better than remedy. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN. If I were you I would buy the same dress for her, get it rapped nicely and secretly keep it in bed or in her car along with a nice card saying sorry. She's your LOVE, your life partner, and of course your one and only WIFE. Am I right? So why should you have certain rules between you two? As for me, my partner's happiness is the most valuable thing in my life. Marriage is not a competition to win. It's LOVE, CARE, PAMPERING, INDULGENCE, DEDICATION, COMMITMENT......what's not?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2011): mavrick94.....A gift to pamper one's loved one could be some sweets, a flower or anything affordable. AS for this husband, he doesn't seem so poor that he couldn't have bought that dress for his loving wife and made her happy. Remember that this issue is no way about money. This is about LACK OF CARE and ATTENTION. "HOW TO WRECK YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY?". This is on what most aunts have advised you OP. So, you should wake up your moral sense. Love your wife and her happiness more than your goals. Do not let her think that she's nothing to you before your goals. Money comes and goes. Your wife is your care taker and the one who will be beside you even when you lose everything along with money and goals. Then she will remember that you did everything possible for her to make her happy even in critical situations. Fill your marriage with lots of sweet things, take the initiative. Don't try to be mean the way some aunts has advised. It will ruin your life. LOVE HER.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (29 October 2011):
@ the anonymous reader below: I haven't heard about his wife giving him anything special recently. Is it a one-way street? Should the husband only give expensive things to the woman even if their financial situation does not allow it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2011): I feel so sad about all those answers which blame her and put more petrol on fire. Why should you hesitate when she asks you to do something for her? You are her husband. should she ask your neighbor to do that? Do you love your goals more than her happiness? Then I would say you are husband with money but not with love and care. Hope your goals won't ruin your marriage life one day. Then you will be alone. And one thing will be there with you. That's your unfulfilled goals.Goals never end. After you fulfill one, then another goal comes up automatically. when will you do something like this to make her happy then? This is no way an issue with money. you should take more care of her.
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female
reader, fr567 +, writes (29 October 2011):
I think this is not a matter of money. If she wanted she could have bought it with her own money. The fact is that we women love to receive gifts from the husband. Ok, you pay the bills and spend on other stuff at home too. YOU MUST DO IT as the husband. Do you think that is enough? My point of view is that both hus and wife should buy a gift to each other at least once two months. That definitely tighten the relationship. It is nothing but showing LOVE and CARE. Money is not everything in life. Happiness is the best. Would you have become beggar If you had bought that dress to her? How happy would she have been if you had done it? Don't be too serious about life. It's good to plan out your future. Yet, why should you ruin today for a better tomorrow?
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (29 October 2011):
I am sure that if you wanted something for yourself for the price of a dress you would have bought it. And when you got home you could have asked for a viewing and then enjoyed taking the dress off. On maybe just the panties and bra and keeping the dress on! Well thats what I would have done. It didn't help to make a specific issue of it. The bigger thing you did wrong was when you first got together you didn't share the responsibility and decisions about finances. If she didnt understand you should have explained nicely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2011): wow, what answers all against her. Well here is one for her. I believe that you married her because you love her. And she obviously married you because she loved you, even though you seem so hesitant not to break your own set rules. Thats not a bad thing, but what it sounds like to me is that you are so into making sure that these goals will have winning results, that you may be neglecting your wife a bit. She might feel as she is being forgotten in all of this. It doesn't seem like not getting the dress is what hurt her, but your reaction to it. Maybe this could be resolved with more affectionate actions from you that don't have to cost money. But it has to be actions that make her feel special, maybe that is all she really wanted in the end for you to tweek your organized goals once a great while, so that she feel secure and loved within your relationship
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 October 2011):
You did all you could. Next time, don't hesitate, but simply say "no." You don't question what she does with her money? Well then that means she should do the same for you. It's YOUR money. If you don't want to spend it on stupid, trivial things don't do it. But be consistent.
Don't try to be the voice of reason because she won't listen. You know that now. So next time she says "I want that [insert clothes/items/whatever]" you say "well, if you can afford them, go get them." If she then replies she wants you to pay for them, simply tell her "I'm not going to do that. However, if you like we could [insert low-cost activity that's enjoyable for the both of you]."
Also, the best gift is one given at an unexpected time. So buy her something nice (not expensive) when she's least expecting it. That way you are showing your love without letting your wallet suffer too much.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (28 October 2011):
 You cannot convince this woman with logic. Don't even try, she'll just classify it as "mansplaining" in her head and dismiss it. More importantly, caving in and buying her the dress (or anything else) would not have made the problem better, and may in fact have made it worse. Plus, once it becomes an argument rather than a team effort, it's very easy to fall into the mental trap of trying to "win" by out-arguing her, rather than by getting her onto your team. That's the bad news.
The good news is that the problem is not really what she's complaining about. From now on, whenever she complains about something or ask about something, disregard whatever specific thing she's asking (that would be too logical). Instead, try to figure out what *feeling* she is trying to get. The feeling she is seeking may not always be a positive one.
So, when she asks for the dress, she is asking for the feeling of being indulged. The dress is meaningless. Ask yourself, "What can I afford to do that would make her feel indulged?" Don't hesitate to say no to the dress, but the next day, take her out for a nice walk, or do something like you did when you were first dating her (the nostalgia should make up for the lower cost in her head).
When she says she didn't like you hesitating, it's because what she wants is to see that you are assertive and in control of yourself. Hesitating is the issue, not the "yes" or "no" answer. Say no, and act like it's no big deal. Don't get worked up even if she does, because again, she's looking for a man in control of himself. She is seeking that *feeling* of being with a man who is not easily swayed.
On a less positive note, when she argues with you and refuses to be reasonable, she is looking for the feeling of drama and conflict in her life. Conflict is addictive to some people, no matter how trivial (it's why folks watch reality). Do you remember in school how people would get all worked up over funny looks and offhand comments? That's what's going on here, she actually wants the feeling of drama and conflict. So, you disagree with her, unashamedly, let her vent, and don't back down. Don't bother appealing to her rational side. Short term, it sucks, I know, but after you make up, she'll love it. (As a side note, I personally refuse to indulge women like this, but you've already married her, so it's on to plan B).
I'm sure you can look back to other disagreements you've had with her. Take the time to reflect and ask yourself, "What could she have wanted out of that?" Remember, people are not always rational in what they want, but they are often quite rational in *how* they go about getting what they want - if they seem otherwise, it's because you haven't correctly guessed at what they want (remember, sometimes they actually want negative things).
It's tough to start thinking like this, but give it a shot. Once logic has failed, this approach can't make it any worse.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2011): Sounds like she wants to be "treated", trouble is you are busy paying the bills and you don't see eye to eye on it.
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male
reader, kelthuzad8888 +, writes (28 October 2011):
kelthuzad8888 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All,
Thanks for your opinions.
I have indeed sat down with her to discuss my financial plan and expenses.
Today I told her that I have paid for the expenses, never complained nor asked her to share in it. I have also never questioned on how she use her salary, she's free to use it as she wish. That is why I got upset that she can be angry at me for refusing her request.
Then she told me that it is not a matter of money, it's my persistent hesitation I always have when she asked to buy her stuff that made her upset. Why couldn't I have just pamper her and say yes?
I am not sure how I am supposed to react to that. If she doesn't want the money, then why ask for it? Just so I can frivolously replied yes to that? Is this supposed to be an act of love and caring that I failed to carry out?
I shared with her the plan in the hope that she can better understand the situation and be more understanding about it. Instead she took offence that I purposely showed her the plan and kept saying it's not the money, it's the attitude I showed when I rejected her request.
I explained that that was why I showed her the plan, that explained my hesitation.
I also suggested in that case, we pool all our money together and all our expenses and purchases are made from that pool so she will never feel upset about these kind of things anymore. (Of course as the TLC husband, I will still occassionally buy her stuff to pamper her :) )
But she doesn't react too well to it and kept harping on my attitude when she requested for money.
I gave up. I have tried all that I can do and say.
I suppose if i say those magic words, it will resolve the current situation but I am not satisfied. It's not about my ego, there is just something wrong with that solution. Is it too much for her to show some appreciation for what I am doing and do not test me with these kind of requests?
Is this just a situation where the relevance of my love and care depends on whether I showed immediate willingness to pamper her with the dress? What say you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2011): It doesn't matter who is right or wrong. Don't get married, you don't agree when it comes to money, and you will both spend your life rowing about it.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 October 2011):
You handled this better than anyone could have done, OP. I, like many others here, like to buy things for myself from MY OWN salary. I take pride in having paid for most of the things I own. It's called independence and being responsible, a concept you are obviously familiar with but your wife isn't.
I would ignore her petty arguments and get a thicker skin. Your wife doesn't have to be smiley and happy all the time if you need to sacrifice money better spent on other things like your future and financial stability. If you give her everything she wants without objections she will become a person who is never satisfied. She will smile for a few seconds before she spots something else she wants.
You set your foot down in the most reasonable way possible and she still wasn't happy. Well, too bad. Don't go out of your way to explain yourself to her: you already did. She sees what she wants to see. This will go away in time if you keep guarding your boundaries. Be consistent in your actions and NEVER let her walk over you. This is the only way this will ever work.
Turn the situation around for her, like others mentioned. Ask her how she'd feel if she'd be paying for the entire household and you asked her to buy you something expensive you don't need.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (28 October 2011):
 If you have a financial plan, stick to it. Her reaction does sound shallow and frivolous, but I think a lot of people are that way sometimes and should, eventually, realize their mistakes.
Just buying something to avoid strife is not the thing to do, really.
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female
reader, CuddlyLovely +, writes (28 October 2011):
Oh I would say that you are doing exactly the right thing. You paid for a lot of things and let's face it, you are both just professionals and not trust fund babies where you can go Louis Vuitton all the time. It is very important to save, especially you are planning for a baby. Having a family isn't a fairy tale, it involves lots of penny-counting and smart budgeting.
I would say she is not necessarily mad at you for not buying her the dress, she is probably mad at you for something else. Are you giving her enough attention? If you shower her with occassional flowers and lots hugs, I would say that she would be a lot more understanding.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2011): Is this really about money?
If this is about practical money issues, make sure you are sitting down and showing her the bills. From now on, get her involved, so she has the facts and the realistic picture about where money goes, for what and what (if any) is left over. Decide together what to save for and splurge for.
However, If it is not an financial burden, give her some cash on a regular basis that she can use as she sees fit. Something that she does not have to answer to you for.
Maybe you did share with her that this was not financially responsible, but she may have HEARD that she is not worthy or does not deserve a new dress. Make sure she knows that she deserves all that and more, but if your finances do not allow for a frivilous purchase-explain why in a loving way.
Allow her to save up for special "treats" with her own money?
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male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (28 October 2011):
Your wife sounds self-absorbed and appears to believe what is yours in hers, and what is hers is hers. Not at all nice. You both work, you make a bit more than her, and you cover all the household expenses and then she has the guts to ask you to spend money on her.Try this, combine both incomes into one account, pay all the bills, including saving 20% of your gross earnings into a savings account. then you get an allowance for your own spending and so does she. 50/50- even... no special considerations.And BTW, religion shouldn't play into this...
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female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (28 October 2011):
 I honestly can't believe that load of crap ShiShisAdvice just dumped here. I am a woman, and I am NOT petty or envious of ANYONE. I make my own money, I paid my way through college, and often I purchase the fun things in my marriage for both of us to have. I am proud to have made my own money and able to purchase the things I want and not have to succumb to asking a man to buy it for me. There is much more satisfaction in buying something you earned. I am also proud of myself for being able to hold up my end of the bills for the house. This isn't the 19th century. Women are just as capable and smart as men to be able to work, manage their money, and buy the things they want. Babies are important to keep a woman's mind occupied? Really? There's nothing else in the world that could possibly occupy her? Like college, or a job, or volunteering, or hobbies? No of course not, women are just here to be arm ornaments and give birth. I don't care if your Muslim or whatever, I know plenty of modern Muslim women in my city that don't cover themselves, they work hard for their money and their nice things, and they even divorced their husbands when the pig wanted more wives. Muslim women have a right to be all they want to be, not to be a controlled, pampered pet.No, it is not "part of being a man" to have your wife strut around and being full of pride to make other women jealous. That is the woman's issue, not his. If I was a man and I had a petty wife who just wanted to show off to other women, I'd have her out the door in a second. She should be thankful he's supporting her the way he is now. My husband would laugh in my face if I told him I wanted him to pay all the bills and give me extra money because I wasn't making enough for frivolous reasons, and he's an East Indian Hindu.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): Its a shame you have married her. She is a modern woman with her own salary but lacks independence with your salary. Its all about her as far as she is concerned. If you ever divorced she will be alright but you will have debt.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): It seems to me that this is a pretty basic disagreement over the organization of your finances. I would recommend that the two of you sit down and work out a mutual plan so both of you know where your money is going. I understand that you are not married yet, but you will be in the very near future. When you do that, things should be less of this is mine and this is yours---as things should really be viewed as collectively belonging to the both of you, including finances. After the two of you agree on a plan she will likely have a better understanding of the situation.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Did she need the dress for something special???
In our household now.. we combine our salaries. I make way more than the boyfriend/fiance (nearly 25k more) and yet nothing is purchased with my money or his money but it's with OUR money.
I do the purchases he writes the budget and we discuss it.
I needed new winter clothes this year. I had no choice i Had nothing that fit and he had to give up some things he wanted so I could get my clothes.
Now I WANT a new winter coat but I can use the one I have it's only a little big.... so I gave up what I wanted so we could save and get things for him.
If I NEEDED a winter coat the money would be there...
have you sat down with her and showed her where the money goes?
what does HER money go for? if she has her salary free and clear to play with then you have every right to say "honey we just can't afford that dress right now"
if her money is going for bills and she has no extra money for her own needs then asking for a dress when she needs one or it's a stunning dress that she will get much use out of seems reasonable to me...
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female
reader, ShiShisAdvice +, writes (27 October 2011):
If you are Muslim, she should never pressure you financially. You sound just like my husband...pulls out the bills everytime I spend, though I work the extra hours to make the extra cash to spend. I never dip into the household funds. BUT, it is the good husband who treats his wife royally. Us ladies are petty and envious, and someone must have shown off what HER husband bought, now your wife wants to do the same. Part of being a man. Just like you want her to be sweet & gracious when around family & friends, it was also your duty to keep the budget balanced. It's very important for the man to pay. If the dress was reasonably priced, then buy it. Sounds like you are a good husband. This is why babies are important to keep a woman's mind occupied.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): You did the right thing by showing her what you pay and if she doesn't understand it's her problem. I pay my share of things and would never let a guy pay everything for me. I think you should stand your ground on this one. Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): First off, you have my sympathy. You sound like a good guy and I'm sorry you married someone so shallow. If you pay for the home and all the living expenses, where is her salary going? If she wants a new dress, she should be more than able to fund it herself, and if she literally doesn't have the money despite having no apparent bills of her own besides the car payment, that should be a HUGE red flag to you about her self-control and money management skills.
Regardless, she should be grateful for what she has, not critical of you... there are MANY relationships where the split in expenses is much, much closer to 50/50. If the free ride your wife is already getting isn't good enough for her, she needs to wake up and smell the coffee.
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female
reader, desirewhitefire +, writes (27 October 2011):
I think that her getting upset when you have valid reasons to not give her the money she wants for a frivolous reason is very immature. I admit, in the beginning of my marriage I would get upset over things like that, but now that I'm older and we have a lot more responsibility I am understanding.
What you need to talk to her about is you pay for the household expenses, so her money is free to be used as she sees fit. If she's a professional and makes good money, there's no reason for her to be strapped at any point and unable to purchase the things she wants. She needs to learn self control and how to save her money better. If she wants a dress, then she needs to save for it. Ask her how she would feel if you asked her to buy you a new suit or some other item that isn't really needed at the moment.
Ask her why she doesn't have the money in the first place.
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