| A
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Before i write this i know some people are probably thinking i deserved what happened but here goes.I was out one night with some friends and a guy i know was there too. Me and him had a casual thing a while ago but that finished. I regret that because i ended up liking him even know i knew it was only casual. Anyway that ended about a year ago.So, i didn't know he was in town that night and was a bit suprised but i didn't say much to him. As the evening went on i had a few too many drinks. I'm not usually a big drinker but i felt nervous because he was there so i must have gone a bit too far with the drink.He has a girlfriend who he's been with since our "thing" ended. At the end of the night he walked with me as we were both on our way home and the place he stays when in town is sort of near me. I wasn't thinking too clearly and let him hold my hand. We were walking through a park and he asked if ii wanted to sit on a bench for a bit and chat. I said yes, not sure why. A few minutes later he said he knew we were supposed to be friends but he found me very attractive and started touching me. I let him does this but then he took me to a more secluded spot and asked for oral sex.I said i didn't want to but he kept insisting so i did for about a minute but stopped. He asked me to do it again but this time i said "no", he pushed my head down and it hurt my neck, i ended up doing it again for a few minutes.After that we ended up having sex. He wanted anal sex and i told him he was hurting me but he didn't stop he just said he'd go slower. Once it was over i went home and so did he. He text me after saying how great it was to see me and everything. The day after i was in a lot of pain and i told him it hurt me. He said "oh that's not good, we'll have to be more gentle next time" i told him there would never be a next time.Now, i know what happened was partly my fault and i went through with it but i can't stop thinking about that night and how aggressive he was. I know it could have been the alcohol but i just feel really confused about the whole thing.Was what happened just a drunken thing? Did i deserve getting hurt?
View related questions:
anal sex, drunk, has a girlfriend, oral sex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DenimandLace44  +, writes (21 December 2010):
 Honey, this is really out of our scope of expertise here at DC. I think you have had some really great input, but you should see a professional. Perhaps someone could post some links to what is available in your area. The pain you feel, and the low self image need to be professionally addressed... I am concerned that you will continue to see men who will try to take advantage, and you will continue to feel it is what you deserve... And allow it. Please do not put yourself in this situation with him or any other man. You are of more value than you believe. Good luck, hugs
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTruth be told, i feel violated and i know i only let him do that to me because i felt too afraid to be firmer and MAKE him stop. I feel sick knowing i let him touch me and manipulate me in to doing things i'd never have dreamt of doing before. I just want to forget what happened but i can't.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNatasia, your post was amazing and spot on. Thank you so much for not judging me.
Danielpew, after this happened i've felt so crap about myself and it's so hard to get over that he really couldn't care less. I need to move on from this and be stronger. I need to tell him to get lost but i just don't know how.
He hurt me so badly, both emotionaly and physicaly that i don't know what to do anymore.
...............................
A
female
reader, jusAnonymous +, writes (20 December 2010):
 hell no!!!!!!!! thats kind of rap honey cause you said no but he kept going you said clearly in you passage you aint want to do it so i would have reported that and kicked his fucking ass. For one if you were not drunk deep down ask your self do you think you would have even gave him head? The way you explained it i dont think so so you didnt deserve that i would have amped
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): OK OP how can we help you.
I would like to suggest that u speak to someone face to face. Talk to them to get the confusion, the hurt and your feeling of shame dealt with. Someone non judgmental. Someone who you can turn to when u are feel you need to re address this traumatic incidence. Plse talk to a professional counsellor.
One thing I agree with is this: you made a decision not to have anything to do wit this man again. So plse stick to this.
You need to talk about your feelings of helplessness and unease and also your dignity being compromised. Plse also address your feelings of shame bec this is also something that is bugging you.
I really wish you well OP, you did not deserve this experience. Going forward plse be careful and learn to be selective with whom you trust .
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (20 December 2010):
 I think I have some useful experience that might help here. I hope so.
(And as for Cerberus - he is right, and he isn't a lone voice, because I had earlier posted anonymously along similar lines - I agree with him - but I will add some female take on it as well):
Piecing together and reading a bit between the lines, it seems to me that you, as a young and totally inexperienced girl, fell for the charms of this guy. He pretty much seduced you, and you lost your virginity to him, but, significantly, you didn't tell him you were losing your virginity. You kept it back, because throughout, you have probably been trying to be who you thought he wanted you to be, because you found him so attractive. You have mentioned his emotional manipulativeness - I imagine he has a strong effect on you sexually, which makes it difficult to think straight and stand your ground at the best of times. Add to that you have no experience of dealing with these feelings, and it really is very difficult to steer a straight path and do what is right and best for you. Especially if there is another strong person at play in the whole thing, who has his own agenda, and quite enjoys getting you to do what he wants.
He sounds like a heart-breaker, but, unfortunately, he is also a player, and he has, sadly, played you. You absolutely did not/do not 'deserve' to be in this position, but I'm afraid that once you start being an adult in an adult world, whether or not someone deserves what happens to them often doesn't come into it. You are just at the beginning of learning to play the game, or, at least, to work out what is safe and ok to do, and what will hurt, upset, or even endanger you.
I think you have been swept off your feet by this guy, and that you let him do whatever he wanted because you wanted him. He sensed this and used you. When you stopped seeing him and he got the girlfriend, you probably still carried a candle for him. Unfortunately you had already laid the path of you being a sexual doormat, and when he hooked up again with you recently, he just carried on where you both left off - with him calling the tune, and you doing whatever to please him. You're right, sadly, that he doesn't have the same respect for you as he probably does for his girlfriend. That makes him not a particularly nice guy, and you (to my mind), in this whole scenario, a bit of an innocent abused.
The guy is not going to feel sorry, because he sounds like he might be something of a sociopath - he enjoys the power of manipulating, and he is exploring what he can get people (in this case, you) to do ... and he knows (from past experience) that he has you where he wants you, and that you will do pretty much anything he asks. You don't lay down boundaries and say 'no way': you don't stop him by being proud or distant or not interested, or by letting him know that he would never get away with x or y or z ... no, he knows you, and he knows that it doesn't take much to get you to do what he wants.
So don't waste any more time on this. Hard as it may feel, you have to take this as a big lesson learnt, and move on. Do NOT let any guy into your bed unless he has first shown you how much you mean to him. Do NOT give in and/or use your sexual availability as a way of getting a man's favour, because it will mean you are always too easy, and you won't ever get the respect you (do) deserve. You need to change NOW how you present yourself, and how you behave with men. You have, yes, been unlucky in meeting a manipulative guy like this - you could well have ended up with a nice sweet boy who would have loved you back and all would have been ok. But it wasn't, and isn't - so you need to put this behind you, and keep yourself very much contained and to yourself, until someone actually earns the honour of intimacy with you.
You can and will recover from this, but don't, I repeat, think any more about this guy. You need to draw yourself away from him, and be better (much better) than him. I'm sure you can do it. Your future depends on it, because what kind of guy you end up with will affect your family life, your children, and everything, pretty much - even your health. Make a good choice now, cut this guy, and hold out for someone worth it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 December 2010):
 With all due respect to everyone, I think we should focus on helping the poster, not on whether Cerberus is right or wrong.
How can we help you, poster?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, i know it wasn't rape because in the end i gave in. I think it's just how he hurt me that's bothered me and when i said "no" the first time i wish he had of stopped then but i wasn't forced i just did it because i felt i had no choice.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Cerebus, i think you are the lone "valid" voice. Whether it was rape or not, consensual or not, or guilt or not, there are many questions that seem to be unanswered.OP, you did not deserve to get hurt but i think you are hurting regarding the outcome of the sexual act. i think you need to work with a counsellor to get over this incident and never ever put yourself in a poition like this agin.I work in the legal industry and the word "rape" is treated in a very serious light, both w.r.t the perpetrator and the victim. LoveGirl
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): It wasn't rape, the OP told us it wasn't she told us she let him have sex with her she just didn't expect him to be so rough. So you other posters trying to convince her it was are misguided fools.
"You said NO. If you say, "*******NO*******" and it happens for one second? it is rape." Bullshit, that is complete bullshit. I asked my girlfriend for oral last night and she said "no", I then said "please baby" and she said "okay then, but you owe me one" Did I rape my girlfriend? Did I orally rape her because she initially said no? No I fucking did not. In fact I've said no to her and she to me a million times about things like that and then let her convince me to do it anyway. But if she ever said stop and pushed me off I would do that instantly. If she said no and after a couple of pleas she was insistent then I wouldn't ask again. That's not rape!
Saying no, then letting someone do it anyway is not rape. Consenting to let someone do something you don't want them to is not rape. Saying you don't want to have sex then letting that person have sex with you is not rape, telling someone they're hurting you and not demanding they stop is not rape. She told him no and out of respect he should have stopped but instead he slowed down, she didn't tell him to stop, she didn't make him get off her. In fact the worst thing according to her was him forcing her head between his legs and saying "please", now after all that she still stayed there and had sex with him even when he'd done something she didn't like. That's not rape, that was the OP letting herself get used.
There is no blame to portion here and for all the people out there that say she was drunk and he took advantage, well he was drunk too, so you can just easily put his behaviour down to the alcohol if you're going to excuse the OP for it.
As the Op stated her biggest problem is that he never treated her like that before, he was never that rough and she feels bad because she let a guy be that rough with her.
Stop trying to convince her she was raped, she wasn't, she was a consenting adult I means she fucking told us this herself or do you just not listen to people?
OP it wasn't a nice experience for you and you still can't make sense of things. But you know it wasn't rape, you know nothing would have happened if you'd stopped him, you told us yourself that you didn't you also told us that the biggest problem you have with this was that he could hurt you like that and not care. So don't listen to the fools getting on their soapboxes talking about rape. We both know it wasn't. Just know that this guy is an inconsiderate prick and you should have nothing more to do with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 December 2010):
 OP, first of all,like other posters say, you did not deserve being hurt because nobody deserves being hurt .
For the rest I am with Cerberus and no, I don't think he is ( or I am ) "blaming the victim ". Only, there is a difference between fault and responsibility. Acting like a wild animal is his fault- learning to recognize, defend yourself and stay away from sexual and emotional predators is , at your age , your responsibility and you seem to resist that.
This episode happened 5 months ago. Then you say : I think the hardest thing for me is ignoring him and not letting him manipulate me any more.
I know that once I can tell him to get lost and stick to it that will be half the battle.
OP, please- that means you are still in touch with this guy, still tryng to be "friendly " , still NOT inequivocably refusing his advances, still NOT telling him to get lost.
This is, forgive me , scary, OP. What happened happened , and you can't change it. But you can change the present , and the future- and you are not willing to do it. WHY ?
What are you waiting for, his tears of repentance ?....
Same with your attitude toward drinking :
" I am not used to drinking alcohol so... I tend to feel unaware of my surroundings and I don't know what I am saying half of the time ". Then, WHY do you
even ever drink to begin with ? Isn't it safer to just stick to orange juice ???
I am saying this not to shift the blame on you , OP- in fact, to encourage you. You are acting as if you were a passive spectator of your own life, when instead you can be the main character and protagonist - if only you'd bother.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): In NO way do you deserve what has happened to you!How could anyone ever deserve to be raped? No matter what they do.Ok so maybe he has a girlfriend, maybe you did drink too much and maybe in the beginning you said yes but I totally agree with Ihatewomenbeaters.If a person says stop, the other one has to stop THAT INSTANT.I can hardly believe that nowadays there still are people that believe rape can be justified by certain things.How can anyone get that idea? That is just beyond me.What this man did to you was wrong and should be treated in that way. I don't think you should let him get away with it, especially since you will not be his last victim.If someone does not take no for an answer then that is an attitude. An attitude that will not change and will make him assault other women.In this case you absolutely have to fight and stand up for yourself even if that might be very hurtful for you.I hope you find the courage to do it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): I am terribly sorry for what happened to you!
Like all the other posters I agree that this was NOT your fault. Unfortunately there seems to be one that does not agree.
Please do not listen to what cerberus is saying. The fact that he keeps talking about cheating and someone elses guy makes me think he ha been cheated on and now probably even feels happy if cheaters get hurt due to their acts.
What schocks me even more is the fact that he seems to think in exactely the same way this guy that raped you would think. That does not throw a very good light on someone to work like the mind of a rapist.
Again please don't listen to him. Rather get help ina centre for sexually abused women.
Whatever you do to get yourself in a situation it NEVER justifie rape.
Good luck and be strong.
...............................
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (19 December 2010):
 I am sorry anon OP,
However, I must insist that it was exactly that.
Aggressive is what I do. Aggressive is leaving black and blue marks covering someones butt, making their asshole hurt for a week, making them tear up and have running mascara, doing mix martial arts moves while they are in large amounts of pain, and them getting wet from it. That is aggressive sex.
Entering slowly into a vagina as a woman says no, is rape.
A is ok.
B is a terrible thing to do.
There is no rule that states, "the female must say no about 90 decibels or it is not rape". It is simply, "the person must say no or something to that effect, and for the giver to continue doing what they are doing".
You said no, not in a situation where no is fake (rape play) and there is a safeword, which means it was not consensual.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments and yes i realise what happend was wrong. I don't think it was rape because that would be an insult to those women who have been through that. I think iit was more to do with, i've never seen that side to him before. We'd obviously slept together a number of times before he got with her and he was never like that with me.
I think it's the total disregard of him hurting me and not caring at all. I was in a lot of pain and he just was not bothered. He didn't hold me down and force me or anything, it more me saying that it hurt and him carrying on while i let him carry on. So, yes i told him "no" but i didn't say it very firmly so maybe he didn't think i mean it.
The only time i guess you could say he "forced" me was when i was trying to stand up while doing the oral sex thing and he pushed my head down and kept saying "please?".
Thinking about it now it was pretty messed up what happened whether it was forced or not. This all happened over 5 months ago and it still haunts me so that's why i'm thinking there must be something that disturbed me enough to stay with me.
...............................
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (19 December 2010):
And anon- Cerberus is not arguing properly. He constructed the argument incorrectly.
You are not the willing participant of smoking, going with his analogy. You said, "Ok, I will take a puff". You took a puff and then you were FORCED to smoke more and more cigarettes and you ended up with lung cancer. Using his analogy, that is what happened.
You said NO. If you say, "*******NO*******" and it happens for one second? it is rape.
Again, this is coming from someone who is ten to twenty times rougher than this loser that hurt you.
Again, it is NOT your fault. You said no, he should have stopped.
...............................
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (19 December 2010):
Danielepew is wrong...I remember I was have amazing anal sex that was the roughest I have had to this day. I had a safeword set in place, I kept making sure she was okay, and I was over a half an hour into it when she said, "stop". Within a tenth of a second I stopped. I was shaking from the adrenaline rush and if she had said, "go on", I would have been going nuts on her butt.What is the point of this story? No matter what, when you say stop, they should STOP that second. I don't care if it is 35 minutes into anal sex, it stops that instant.
...............................
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (19 December 2010):
That was sexual assault, and you should tell everyone what happened, because he is a rapist.
This is a fact, and I don't think that women should have to be falsely lured by men into getting raped.
As I have stated many times before on this site, I am extremely aggressive in the bedroom, and am really into sadomasochism. However, it is CONSENSUAL.
This guy is not a good person. He is a terrible person. Whenever, during the roughest sex possible, a woman says stop... Guess what? I STOP. I've done anal, bullwhipping, choking, spanking etc. However, I stop.
The point being, men have control over their bodies, and know when you are saying no stop it hurts. Most, just don't care, because they are self-absorbed pricks.
Sexual assault where a woman doesn't know it really is, is the worst kind.
You DID NOT deserve this.
If anyone tells you otherwise, they are not your friends or family. They are sick people.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think the hardest thing for me is ignoring him and not letting him manipulate me anymore. I know that once i can tell him to get lost and stick to it that will be half the battle.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): You are, stop doubting yourself, start believing in yourself and pretty soon you'll see you were right to believe in yourself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, i'll try. Don't know if i'm strong enough.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): "Before this i was pretty level headed when it came to guys but i've changed."
Welcome to the club OP, there's no such thing as level headed when it comes to being in love. As I said, go talk to your doctor, ask for some counseling and get rid of that guy from your life.
There's no point in letting this be a reason to get you down, use it as a reason to make things better. Time to move on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just don't know what to do anymore. A few years ago i laughed at girls like me who fell for the BS these kind of guys said to girls. I'm not a slut, infact i lost my virginty to this guy (he doesn't know)He was nice to me at the start but now it's just like this.
I feel empty and alone because of this. I hate the fact he was the first guy i've ever been with. Before this i was pretty level headed when it came to guys but i've changed.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): Op if I told you that I base all my worth as a person on what one other person thinks of me, what you think of that?
If I told you that I hated myself because one person doesn't love me, what would you say to me?
I have a loving family, friends that love the shit out of me, colleagues that think I'm great but this one person not liking me is enough to make me forget all that and hate myself.
You see what I'm getting at? Why does he have this kind of power over you? Is it a good thing? If it isn't then what are you going to do about it?
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 December 2010):
Poster, one more thing. Please don't feel that this was your fault at all. IT WASN'T.
I think I need to repeat what I said before. "Technically speaking" it was not rape. But morally it sure was, and we should care about morals more than what we care about laws.
Like others have said, he knew what he was doing and he knew you were drunk. I would have no problem with the idea that he even waited for you to leave, so he could start things casually. "We left together, one thing led to another...it was consensual".
Like someone said, you do need someone to help you. And please don't blame yourself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): Time to be strong OP, now more than ever. Take this as your wake up call. Use this to resolve these issues you have.
You now know how bad things can get and the things that will happen if you let your issues go on unsolved and no man can help you resolve them in fact insecure girls with low self esteem are asshole fodder.
I have a friend like that OP and she's never found happiness with a guy, never. Because relationships with girls with too low self esteem are battles, they're long hard fights, so the nice guys will steer clear because they don't want to add to that, so all you get is the assholes who don't care about hurting you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know, i don't no maybe it was because the attention made me feel better for a while then i go back to feeling like nothing. I tell myself i must be pretty worthless if he did that to me without a second thought. I'm sure he treats her well but not me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): "Part of me thought i might as well let him do it if that's all i'm worth." and how did that work out for you OP, do you feel better now? Did that self sabotage get rid of your low self esteem?
Then why do it? If you burned your hand by accident and it was sore are you going to stick into the fire again to make it better?
You gonna cut your arm off because that's all you deserve for being stupid enough to burn your hand?
OP self esteem is not something you solve by harming yourself, how does that make sense to you?
Now you feel even lower right? Instead of empowering yourself and resiting this guy, you took the soft approach and let him use you because you feel that's what you deserved, bullshit OP, time to go see your doctor OP.
You have a rather serious issue here if you're going around doing this kind of thing to yourself, self harm is a vicious cycle and yes that was an act of self harm.
You obviously don't know how to deal with your low self esteem do you need to get some help with that.
Good luck OP, low self worth a poisonous bitch, trust me I know but you have fight it with everything you've got, not let it get the better of you. Or what happened with this guy is only the first of many times you're going to try to destroy yourself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will stay away from him from now on. When i told him how much pain i was in a few days later, he just said something like "oh dear that's not good" Again, yes i shouldn't be suprised that he didn't give a toss but him not showing any compasion after hurting me badly (physically) really did suprise me. The only thing he seemed to care about was if i enjoyed it. I just find it tough knowing that somebody who i once liked could hurt me that badly and not care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): There are guys like that out there OP, guys that will use and abuse you if you let them and guys that get off on hurting girls.
If you're wondering why, then it's because he liked it and he was allowed to.
To him you were a piece of meat, you knew he had a girlfriend, he was cheating on her anyway, so he treated you like the piece of meat he considered you to be and did whatever the hell he wanted.
OP I don't know how you're so shocked by this, women get raped and murdered every day, there are guys out there that just don't care. He even text you saying he had fun and would be more gentle next time, does that sound like a guy that gives a shit?
Try not to feel too bad OP, these things happen. They're not nice things but such is life, most people like to cry and complain about things they did but it never changes anything, you'll be hurt emotionally for a few days but you'll get over it, just make sure this scumbag is never allowed near you again or you really are just asking for more trouble.
A piece of advice OP, don't let guys pressure you into something you don't want to do, stand up and be a woman, it only brings pain and heartache if you're not strong enough to resist guys, there are a lot worse than him out there that will do a lot worse to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, since i started that casual thing with him my self esteem got pretty low by the time it ended. When this thing happened i guess i partly went through with it because i knew, deep down that's all he wanted from me. Part of me thought i might as well let him do it if that's all i'm worth. Good enough to screw but not much else according to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (19 December 2010):
No, no one deserves to be hurt. But even if you were a "willing" participant I think that since you were under the influence he did take advantage of you. I'm not saying it's an excuse, but alcohol does impair your judgement--we all know that. However, the guy sounds like an a-hole and good for you for telling him there will not be a next time. Just know in the future if you run into him again and you've been drinking, stay away from him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerburus, i know it's my fault and i went through with it. I'm not using alcohol as an excuse because i know it isn't. I guess would shook me up is how much he physically hurt me because he'd never done that before.
I do feel bad about what happened and i know it was wrong, of course it was. That's why i said people will probably think i deserved it because he has a girlfriend.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): I'm so sorry this happend to you. He abused you and took advantage of you. None of this was your fault.. drink or not.. you did not deserve this. Stay the hell away from him. He;s dangerous, and nasty. Please have nothing to do with that animal again.Ever. xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): Whether you deserved it or not is irrelevant because you were a willing participant every step of the way. Does someone who smokes cigarettes deserve lung cancer? No, but if cigarettes give them lung cancer then it's their own fault.
At no point did you make him stop when you could have.
So while he treated you roughly he didn't use you because you wanted it too, you're equally to blame as him.
He didn't do anything you didn't let him do.
All the girls that posted before me are very quick to blame this guy and he was an aggressive prick but you let him. So honestly I don't see the problem. You knowingly went and got with a guy who has a girlfriend, you cheated on her with him and you let him treat you really badly, use you and hurt you. He treated you badly and you still let him continue, who's fault is that? The guy took what he wanted.
Look we all make mistakes, while you didn't deserve to be treated like that you have to take responsibility for an event you were a willing part of. You said no but you wanted it, or you wouldn't have done it.
You basically walked off with a taken guy and at no point do you state any kind of remorse for what you did to her, you knew from the second he held your hand that you'd crossed a boundary and you went and did worse and worse things as the night went through.
Don't blame the drink either, just stand up and take responsibility you're a grown woman, if you feel this was a mistake then learn from it and don't let a guy treat you that way again, or cheat on someone, or get with another woman's man.
Don't blame the drink because you need to figure out why you let that happen, figure out if you're desperate, lonely, a walk over or what, because that's not normal behaviour and you can't let this kind of thing happen again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): You didn't deserve getting hurt, but I think he thought that you were also caught up in the heat of the situation. I think he had had fantasies, etc, about you since your relationship - and remember, you were a casual relationship, just for sex, whereas his girlfriend is something else. When he sees you, he thinks of you as someone who is up for sex with no strings. Right or wrong, I think that is what has happened here, plus the alcohol. I think he found it a bit dangerous and exciting and everything he wouldn't do with his girlfriend, and he hoped you found it the same.
Of course you didn't, and it has upset you, and that is bad and wrong. So, I don't think you deserved it at all, but I think you had bad luck with this guy. You know him, but I guess not that well, and he just went too far. To be fair I think he thought you were vaguely up for it, which perhaps you were, but he shouldn't have done what he did.
So, yes, it was a drunken thing: and that is why it happened as it did. And he was drunk too, remember. BUT, what has upset you is that presumably before you didn't see this side of him (or him being this extreme), and not least it has shocked you a bit. Presumably, as you liked him and regretted it ending, he was a sympathetic lover and, you though, a nice guy. I think he possibly still is, but he got the wrong idea about you, and, unfortunately, acted on it.
I think you might feel better if you explain to him that it really wasn't what you wanted, and you feel quite upset about it. I feel as if you need some answer from him, and some closure on this.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not used to drinking alcohol so it doesn't really take much for it to effect me. I tend to feel un aware of my surroundings and not really know what i'm saying half the time. That's why i tend to stay away from it. He was drinking too but handles it better than me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): Alcohol has surprising effects on people, and it makes sense to me that you weren't yourself and perhaps felt too "under its influence" to speak up as normally you would. How would you describe alcohol's effects on you? Does it make you feel physically weaker and mentally much less alert? Your inhibitions release a bit, at the very least.
You shouldn't feel like you brought this on yourself at all. This guy is Bad News; get him out of your life; he is disgusting; don't let him approach you again, ever.
You were not technically raped, but I agree, it must have felt very akin to that emotionally and it's understandable you felt guilty for letting him pressure and use you. He does not feel he did anything socially wrong or personally immoral. He feels a champ for "seducing" you in his pitiful deluded fashion, though what he did could hardly be called that. It was not legally rape at all, so don't spread that story; he, and his friends, would likely make a joke of you for it.
In the future, avoid drink, no more than tastes or a splash or two if you desire it. Try to move on. The sight of him will likely bring back those awful feelings, so don't allow his presence.
I'm sorry,
Tante Victoire
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is, yes i said "no" but i still went through with it. It wasn't like he held me down and forced me. I think it was just how aggressive he was that's got to me. It wasn't anything as serious as rape because i consented.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): Dear anonymous, you must trust me here. Despite the fact that you had been drinking and that you held hands, if your account is true, you were the victim of rape. You made it clear that you did not want to. He pressured you, and even forced you. This man inserted his penis into you orally and vaginally with your "expressed refusal of consent." This IS rape properly defined.
1. If this man did not use contraception, you MUST procure emergency contraception and have an STI check.
2. Speak to someone about this. Call or visit a woman's health clinic or the rape crisis centre in the UK.
3. It is advisable that you report this to the police. Alcohol IS NOT AN EXCUSE for the way HE behaved.
People who are sexually aggressive in this manner are likely to re-offend; this is likely to happen to another woman. This is NOT your fault! No-one EVER deserves to be treated like this. I am so deeply sorry. Your confusion is a symptom of the trauma that you have experienced.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 December 2010):
Nobody deserves getting hurt. I want to be very quick to tell you that the man abused you. It can't technically be considered rape, but, to me, morally it was. At the very least it was a hell of a lot of abuse.
You may have been drunk, but, from what I read, he wasn't. He did know what he wanted from the very beginning, and he went about getting it in stages, until he had it. In my mind, the thing is serious and bad enough without the physical pain, BUT the physical pain adds to it.
Be aware, however, that technically you consented to it.
Sorry.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): There is no way you deserved this!
Even though you let him touch you, it seems that you did not want to do anything else. The fact that you say he ' he pushed my head down and it hurt my neck' shows he was being out of order!
Also he didnt stop when you clearly wanted too.
I wouldn't meet up with this guy again. Im not sure what you can do about it legally but you didnt deserve this!
...............................
|
