A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm about 8 weeks pregnant and married. This morning I was watching tv with my husband and fell asleep on his arm. When I woke up he had his laptop and was looking at porn. I don't know how I should react. I don't know if this was no big deal or a sign that something is seriously wrong.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Female anon here...I've never accepted porn and told my husband before we married that it would be a deal breaker... So, when he chose to indulge in it the deal was broken until he decided to either give it up ... or go his own way.I am a Godly woman. I follow God's law. I do not believe that it is sincere, pure or righteous for a man or woman to covet others while betrothed and/or married to another. This is a deeply spiritual premise. I am worth something as a woman. If a man.... my husband... has decided to live a life at such variance with my moral and spiritual premise in life... I will not compromise what God expects of me in order to make peace. As far as feeling sorry for my husband... Well, you are probably the only person who is of that opinion... I am a generous and kind woman with a heart of gold. I have stood behind my husband through thick and thin and have been his friend... however, I give sexual exclusivity and I demand the same in my marriage. This is what I want for myself in my life... Yes, it may require a special man to fill that bill but I know I am worth it.I felt this way about guys using porn for as long as I can remember... I had brothers with their porno mags and heard the way they talked about women when going to strip clubs. I was like a feeding frenzy... it was not loving and it wasn't respectful. It was making a joke out of women on so many levels it wasn't even funny.So, to have me exclusively... I demand exclusivity back. I do not want a man who has me AND anyone else he so chooses... If a man needs more than one woman in order to be happy then he should be honest about that before getting into a relationship with a woman. And.. porn... to many women is a sign of a lack of exclusivity...I am a catch and I know it. I always have. However, I have rules and I have standards that I will not give up in order to have a man in my life. For me, marriage is sacred.If men wish to use porn, they should be entirely up front about that fact and allow the women in their life to make the decision whether to be with them or not... given their use of porn. Porn should not be this hidden secret... a separate life of sexuality men believe their entitled to. Porn is porn and it should be considered the same as any other habit... For example, I would not be willing to date or marry a man who wanted to go for threesomes, or even a guy who was a gambler, cheater, or a guy who wanted to go out by himself to bars, etc... at night.Its a value system and a lifestyle. Yes, my husband had to prove he was worthy of me because I am someone worth having. I cook for him, clean for him, care for him, have been his friend consistently... have remained beautiful, am loving... Yes, I'm worth something. I am worth a lot. So, to establish a standard... is my choice. It is the choice of any/every woman... she can decide what works for her and what doesn't work for her.Just as you scratch your head on how a man could possibly stand me... there are men who know me who wish they could have been in my husband's shoes... so, to each their own I suppose.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 No woman wants to feel as though their mate will substitute them for porn if they are not available. After all, what does that really imply? (Female anonymous
DO NOT TRY TO SPEAK FOR ALL WOMEN, WE DO NOT ALL THINK LIKE YOU...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): No woman wants to feel as though their mate will substitute them for porn if they are not available. After all, what does that really imply?That, if you ask me, is the real problem. And it is most disturbing to read responses that find this perfectly acceptable. The SECOND he becomes horny either you will satisfy him, or he'll find something else to take care of it. Wow.This logic leads us down the path to accepting that men are nothing but roving dowser rods... the minute their penis becomes the slightest bit enticed... it will find sex at the nearest outlet. That renders having an exclusive relationship unnecessary... He can have you, plus everyone else as easy as a point and click of his mouse/computer.Definitely not the stuff that sells the idea of love and marriage.People try to dumb things down so far.. and when the majority agree to dumb it down out of pure lust... they cry out that the majority do it and that therefore it is normal. However, where is the benchmark set on this... how low have men and women sunken when looking at porn the precise second they feel an urge... becomes normal?If that is normal, then someone had better do some serious thinking.Many of the posters who promote this behavior and/or defend it are single. On a rare occasion there's a married woman in there...however the promoters are usually male and/or single. Rarely married women go for this nonsense.Pornographers and their customers have NEVER been revered. They used to be thrown into jail. Is morality determined by what 'society' has led us to believe is okay, or is there a deeper morality that should guide us?Your husband is deeply wrong and in my opinion he has a problem. I do believe that there is more to this than meets the eye... think of this as the tip of the iceberg. If he felt comfortable doing that with you in his arms, then seriously... the shock value of it has been reduced to almost nothing... so if that is the case... how bad is the bad stuff?You certainly don't need this sort of ridiculous aggravation when you are two months pregnant and he is acting like a jackass. Now, what should you do?Demand that he becomes the man you thought you married. Create your own 'normal' within your marriage and demand respect as his wife and mother of his unborn child. He must become a better man in order to prepare for fatherhood. The days of jerking off to dirty pictures belongs to 12 year old boys, not grown men.I had this problem with my husband and I refused to tolerate it. I made the demand and he has (at least outwardly and with my verification to whatever degree possible) complied with this. Why would he? Because I refused to have sex with him unless and until he cleaned up his act and became worthy of me. I'm a sensual creature, a sexual creature.. but I'm a lady and I won't be with a pig. Pigs don't appeal to me. It became that simple. If he wants me he won't do it... AND, since I'm not keen on him having virtual sex with porn images simultaneously with me... he had to choose.Flesh and blood or a photo.He had to choose.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 December 2010):
Absolute agree with KC, but there are many more women who get upset by this type of thing, so we may be in the minority.
My guess is you was sleeping and he got horny but didn't want to wake you. As long as he makes you feel loved and adored and you get enough sexual satisfaction, pornography shouldn't threaten your marriage.
Pornography is problematic when your sex life suffers or your partner watches it so much that he's unable to cope with normal life... eg. can't hold down a job, can't maintain an erection, refuses to socialise outside the house.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 December 2010):
 99% of men on this planet look at porn, it is nothing to worry about.
It is a little odd that he would do it right in front of you - but at least he is not hiding it and obviously thinks that you are open minded enough not to be freaked out by it.
If you research porn usage on this site (use the search box on the home page, or browse all questions in the pornography category) then you will see so many freaked out women who are upset, angry and hurt by their partner's porn usage. But just to summise quickly why men use porn:
1. It is an escape. It is like a fantasy world where they can just escape real life and induldge - like when women fantasise about George Clooney or whoever when masturbating, it is the same thing for men with porn.
2. It is a quick, easy release. A lot of women on this site always say 'why is he looking at porn when he can have sex with me?' and the reason is this - porn is easier. Sex for men is actually quite difficult and stressful, they are always conscious of whether the woman is enjoying herself, making sure he performs (i.e doesnt cum too soon), he has to do all of the work in most positions (unless girl is on top)and all the woman has to do is lie there and focus on her orgasm - but for men there is so much more going on. Hence porn is the quickest, easiest and least stressful way to 'get off' so to speak. It doesnt mean he does not enjoy sex with you - its just on the odd occasion, men like to take the easy option and have a quick, easy release of tension.
3. They dont want to have sex with a porn star or want you to look like a porn star - generally when they are watching porn men often think 'oh I would love to do that to xxxx(partner's name).'
So there you go - he is still attracted to you, still loves you, wants to have sex with you etc! The only time you should get worried about porn is if he is lying about it and watching it very frequently, to the point on obession.
But if you are open with him about it, dont judge him for it, dont make a big deal about it and in general are ok about it - then he will never have to hide it from you or lie. Heck - why not even suggest watching it together?! You may find it turns you on too, and he will definitely love that you want to share in his turn-on's!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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