A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts and uncles,My boyfriends grandfather whom he was really close to passed away a couple of weeks ago, his grandfather really loved me, and i loved him a lot too. I was really sad hearing about him. He was in the hospital for a couple of weeks before that and deteriorating. After the funeral i went back with my boyfriend to his place because i wanted to make sure he was ok. I was holding him to make him feel better then i kept kissing him to comfort him. He took it as a sign i wanted to have sex, so he said he's sorry but it doesnt feel right. I honestly didnt have that on my mind i just wanted to make him feel better by holding him. So i stopped a little time later he started kissing me, i asked him if it was ok he said he didnt know but kept on doing it and we ended up having sex. I thought that's what he want and that it would makes him feel better. I went home after that, he had his mind taken off of things. The next few days i kept by his and his families side helping them out best i could. They all seemed to appreciate it. Now that all that has passed, me and my boyfriend were talking yesterday, and he said i dont want to admit this but i hate myself for what we did after the funeral. Hinting that it was disrespectful to his grandpa. I said that all i wanted was to help him out and that i thought that what was he wanted, but i never came over with the intention of sleeping with him or pressuring him into anything i just wanted to help him deal with it in his own way. He said he knew then jokingly said when he looked into the mirror he understood how i couldnt resist. He said he maybe was a little cross with me at the beginning but it was his fault too. And that it's in the past and whats done is done. Then he went back talking normally and joking around then telling me how he loves me and all.Now me and my boyfriend have been together for around two years, and he is very loving and caring and i love him with all my being right back. He is an easy going simple guy, i tend to overthink a lot. He tells me everything, and i know when he tells me things like this he's letting me into his innermost thoughts, and doesnt mean anything foul or underhanded. It just took me back a little, since then i feel heavy and a little down about his remark. I dont personally think there was anything disrespectful at the same time i do know where he's coming from. I still dont know how to work through it, we have a date tomorrow, and i dont really feel open enough or light-hearted enough to be myself. I kind of feel like i was (used?) or blamed unjustly when i was trying my best. Please help me sort this out :(
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2015):
 I once had a boyfriend who had a terrible car accident. He totaled his Lotus. And I was supposed to be with him when the accident happened but I could NOT get away.
The T-bar from the car when through the passenger seat headrest. I would have been killed instantly had I been with him.
He shows up at my door at about 2 am white as a ghost...
It never occurred to me to have sex with him after totally his wonderful car but we did. and as I recall it was very passionate.
When we as humans are faced with death we tend to do things that prove to us we are alive. Sex is VERY very high on that list.
IN fact, it's so high on the list of instinctive things to do that Jews have to be given a specific rule that says NO sex during the first week of mourning.
Neither of you need to feel bad or disrespectful of grandpa you were just confirming that you are both still alive and able to enjoy life.
A
male
reader, lawncare  +, writes (3 May 2015):
 Grief does funny things to people, especially when juxtaposed with one's sexual urges. It feels like it should be a taboo. But one can't shut one's feelings off forever and it's only natural that your physical relationship would eventually resume.
As it occurred whilst he was still publicly grieving (the internal grief will go on a good while yet) he is more at risk to feel like he is treading on a tightrope between his desires and his public face. Sex takes (at least) two, and he does at least shift some blame onto himself.
He's a simple guy, so balancing complex moral equations like this might not come easiest especially at difficult moments. The pressure point through which his internal confusion might emerge is in the spoken relationship between you and he. That's natural, if unfortunate.
Your tendency to overthink is dealing with the aftershock of this tremor in your relationship by not allowing you to drop back into easiness. But what harm was really done? If you still feel like a drag now, like you have been made to feel shame, then I'd suggest talking it through.
However, family members do not die on a weekly basis. I am sure that forgetting about it is a better option. It doesn't seem like you have any problems other than this and he ultimately treats you with respect and comes to you in time of need. Take the positives.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (3 May 2015):
It sounds to me like his head was all over the place. Maybe he wanted sex, maybe he just wanted some comfort. Perhaps he wanted one thing one minute, and another the next. It’s what happens at times of grief. The point is, whether you had sex or not, it doesn’t in any way disrespect his grandfather’s memory. Does it mean he loved him more or less in life either way? Of course not. Were you to blame? No. Was he? No. I think his acknowledgement that it was as much his fault is probably his way of telling you he realises that getting upset with you wasn’t justified. He might find it hard to say sorry, because he’s still not sure yet whether he has something to be sorry for in choosing to have sex. In time he’ll realise it doesn’t matter, but he is trying to tell you he regrets blaming you for anything either way. I don’t think you were used, and I don’t think you were blamed. If he didn’t know what he wanted, how were you supposed to know? As he says, what’s done is done. Don’t judge his actions at a time of grief, listen to what he’s saying now, about how much he loves you.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, LiveAnnLearn  +, writes (3 May 2015):
 I can totally understand how he was feeling, because when someone dear to us passes away a lot of us have these preconceptions how we should feel and behave, and it can mess with our heads when reality turns out differently than what we were expecting.
From reading what you wrote I got an impression that you two are a really great couple, emotionally close, and as you wrote you know that he told you this just to let you in on his thoughts and feelings, maybe in need of further emotional comfort by talking about it. I'm sure he wasn't blaming you on a rational level, as he said he quickly realized it was his "fault" too. It really seems like he does appreciate your support through it all and even though he felt like the sex was inappropriate, I am sure he blames only himself for it, if anyone, even though no one is to blame.
People cope with grief and loss in different ways and there is no "right" or "wrong", even though it may not seem like it emotionally.
When it comes to you, I understand you're feeling like you don't deserve to be misunderstood like that, but as you concluded he is really not blaming you for anything, or else he would say so, based on your relationship so far and knowing him, you have no reason to suspect otherwise.
Maybe you're also feeling a bit guilty for causing him to question himself and feel inappropriate, or maybe you are questioning yourself for going along with it at a time when you weren't really feeling up for it, but went along because of him?
Anyway keep in mind what you both did wasn't wrong, he is not blaming you for it, and you shouldn't blame neither one of you either. If anything, from what I've read it seems to me like it was a beautiful and touching moment of two people in love comforting each other after going through a loss. Please try to think of it that way, and as he said it's in the past. My condolences, hope what I wrote helped at least a bit.
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