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anonymous
writes: Looking for a reality check here, particularly from people in longstanding relationships. I’ll try to keep it as short as I can, but I suppose a certain amont of background is necessary.I’m 49, been married for 25 years. The last time I was physically touched by someone new/different was 1983, this being my now wife. I married her, made the conventional vows, and we’ve made a life and children together. Anyone looking from the outside would see us as a successful marriage/family, and by and large it is. We’re both successful professionals, although her job is more demanding than mine.Both of us had conflict issues as children, so conflict avoidance has been a hallmark of our marriage. The Japanese have the concept of ‘wa’ – harmony’ – as the objective of the home, and (despite not being Japanese) have strived for that. So our relationship is sort of English – don’t make waves. And communication has never been a strong point either. As in we don’t talk about problems. And after all these years talking about ‘stuff’ simply ain’t gonna happen. I’d dearly love to make lovemaking good for her, but as near as I can tell the only thing that works for her is something I can no longer do given age and infirmity. I would be very willing to do anything, but she has no interest in anything different. Perhaps that’s why were’re at ‘once a month minus’ situation. Oral does zip for her, manual isn’t on --- you get the picture. What’s left is an occasional, seemingly choreographed play. And just to mention, I love to kiss, and she hasn’t been on for that for years.At the moment we’re at an annual career event of hers where she’s not even remotely available to me – she’s working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, for two months. So I’m basically a single parent of three children.Sorry for all that lead up. I was surfing the net today and found a very appealing local spa that talks about people “deprived of touch”. That’s me, in spades. I’m desperate to be touched. Have been for years. Given the price for a massage ($130/half hr.), it’s pretty clear that they’re offering a ‘happy ending’. I’m sorely tempted. Over the years I’ve squirreled away a bit of cash, so this wouldn’t be taking anything away from the household. I’d just so love to be touched again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): I'm the OP. Thank you for taking the time to respond. You've given me food for thought.
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (13 April 2011):
 I suggest that you seek the services of a marriage counsellor - and do so immediately!!Cheating is not going to solve anything, infact it will make matters worse.You and your wife need to communicate, this is were a counsellor would help, maybe your wife feels that you are not interested in her?? Maybe you both need to be made aware that you have to make time for each other every day, even for a half an hour, just to reconnect with each other. Does your wife have to work or does she choose to work. If you are financially stable, why not take a break for a couple of months and spend that time together, doing things together, learning all about each other again. Your wife needs to know exactly how you feel, and if you dont tell her she will assume all is great in her marriage.So step up to the plate and start looking for a counsellor, and start working on you relationship.
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A
male
reader, aaringurl  +, writes (13 April 2011):
I might be a bit young to comment on your situation there and all. But I would like to suggest to you not to. Yea, there is that urge to feel 'it' again, but what about your family? Your kids? Your wife?
If you do it, then you'd have something that you'd be sorry for from your family. I wouldn't want my dad to cheat on my mom. I wouldn't want my family to be jot down to the long list of divorced couples. You could tell your wife how you feel, and that if it still can be worked out.
And that money of yours, could be used for something special for you. Not necessarily to that extent. You could buy an expensive watch. Or go have a vacation. I surely would want my dad to do that for us.
Treat yourself lucky for what you have now, not every one is as lucky as you are. I know you would do what's right ^.^
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 April 2011):
 Oh, so since you have squirreled the money away , then it does not belong to the household and it could not be,instead, used toward other stuff that would benefit both. A nice dinner out... A weekend together....
But, forget about the money, it's just 130 bucks,no big deal.
What the big deal is , it's that, whichever way you turn it , a happy ending is still resorting to prostitution and still cheating.
It's not that it's less of a cheating because there 's no penetration.
So I guess it depends from what you feel about cheating.
And from what you'd feel if your wife would resort to a professional gigolo to savour again the kind of sexual pleasures that you can't give her anymore - and that, I am sure, she sorely misses as much as you miss being touched.
I am not saying your wife is blameless, it always takes two to tango.
But, if you want to fix things- nobody is obliging you to act Japanese or act English- .
Act Italian . Have a noisy emotional scream match, followed by a weepy passionate reconciliation.Act Spanish and play romantic serenades under her window . Act Gypsy and defy your wife to a duel with daggers .
Or- even better- act normal : talk to her, explain her that you love her but there are problems you need to work on TOGETHER, go to couple counseling if needs be.
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