A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend... or at least had a friend for 11 years, who has decided to stop calling me and only sending text messages. We used to talk on the phone every day, pretty much twice a day. She started this behavior when I declined to lend her money the last time.Whenever she's asked I've always lent it to her. Putting her bills on my credit card, loaning $500 here, $700 her, and she's always paid it back. I've even given her $100 because I knew she was struggling and didn't want to put that on her.Recently she launched her own business, fell behind in the rent and asked to borrow $1,600 for her rent. I offered to put it on my credit card or send it western union, and she didn't want to because of the additional fees. I have an emergency fund that I am trying to build up (I truly have no one else to borrow money from in an emergency) and remember telling her this many months ago. I think she expected me to dip into these funds to get her the money. She didn't bring it up, but I did not volunteer this money. I think she worked this out, but then she made a payment error and needed to borrow $500. I didn't have the cash in my current account because I just paid my mortgage (not to mention I did let her know I had building credit card debt that I was trying to manage... I have my own spending issues at times). It didn't dawn on me that I could have asked her about putting the $500 on my card again or maybe even try to access my emergency fund since I wasn't able to loan her the $1,600, but I thought if I fall below the required amount in that account they would charge me fees. I offered to lend her $200 and would see if I could borrow the rest from someone else, but she said she didn't want to get part from me (too much to hunt it down), and didn't want me to borrow from someone else, that if I didn't have it I just didn't have it.I continued to call her in our usual pattern, but she suddenly was unable to speak, didn't return calls and then the woman that never texts is sending me text messages in response to my voicemails.I responded to her first text message, but stopped. She's texted me maybe three other times, and each time I call and leave her a voicemail with my phone number. I refuse to respond to any more of her text messages because I feel she is being childish and to be honest I am offended because:1) I feel she thinks I am daft enough not to know what she is doing.2) She would let money come in between an 11 year friendship.3) She feels the need to manage my money.She's 17 years older than I, and I am hurt by her behavior. She's been there for me, and I feel I've been there for her as well, and don't understand why my inability to lend money would eliminate an 11-year friendship. I feel that if she called now I would answer the phone and be cordial, but I wouldn't want to share anything personal with her anymore, and definitely would never have any financial dealings with her ever again.So my questions:1) Should I have done things differently? Am I wrong?2) Should I try discussing this with her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): I had a similar situation but mine involved my best friend asking to move in. Anyway...
She is being rather childish at best and manipulative at worst. She just wants to make you feel guilty for not giving her the money.
Friends do help each other out in times of need but not to their own detriment. A friend is supposed to understand personal boundaries you have put up for yourself and respect them. If you do not want to loan her the money its your right to do so and no one should make you feel guilty for that. She should respect your decisions and make another plan gracefully.
You are not a bank or a loan shark and she should respect that. You handled the situation very well.
You could try talk to her and work this out but I highly doubt it will yield the results you want. Rather cut your losses and ignore her and move on, you can find other like minded people. If and when she does reach out be polite and explain your thoughts and feelings to her with honesty.
Best of luck!
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