A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am with someone that i really care about and I am so afraid that I will ruin it again. When having sex with him (or anyone else in my past) I get terrible flashbacks of an abusive relationship I was in. There are certain positions that cause me to freeze, to feel paralyzed, cry, and curl into a ball staring for up to an hour. Sometimes they do not realize until after they are finished, and at that point I am beyond control, shaking, miserable. I never ask to stop because I feel terrified to speak, and I am so humiliated. I want to tell him but I am scared that he will be disgusted by my sexual past or that he will think I'm being unreasonable, and I've driven many guys away with this because they get fed up with it. I am usually the one who initiates it, but all of a sudden things change in the middle and I just freak, and usually whoever I am with will leave out of frustration after thirty minutes of me unable to speak. This relationship is fairly new and I really don't want to freak him out, and i want to be intimate with him, but i dont know how to overcome this and I want to be able to be in a normal relationship for once
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): You definitely need to get counseling help. Your sexual partner needs to be someone who knows, understands, and works with you and is willing to work with you. You must tell him, or he will think it is him that you are reacting to, and he will eventually leave.You need to do some reading, and he should as well. He should be very important to you and you should to him as well.Often those who have been sexually abused get into a lot of short term relationships that terminate abruptly or the don't have sex at all.http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Survivors-Revised/dp/0060959649http://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/0060968834There is hope, my wife was sexually abused and raped and she finally told me (after many years and a family nearly grown), and our sex life improved dramatically.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): My apology, in my previous reply, I wrote - you have violated, I meant to say "you have been violated". please accept my apology,
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 April 2011):
 They leave after 30 minutes, being fed up? Then they didn't care for you. A boyfriend who actually gave a damn, at whatever tiny level, wouldn't just leave or get fed up with you when you so obviously aren't doing well. What kind of men do you befriend? What kind of men do you share the bed with? Look closely and stop hanging out with such men.
Talk to your boyfriend. TALK. Tell him. Tell him, not about everything you are ashamed of etc, but about the very problem you face: you were in an abusive relationship and this has caused you do panic when you are put in those three sexual positions. Tell him that so he knows! Then tell him how you might react, why you will not speak for so and so long etc, and what exactly goes on. Do this NOT when you have sex, but when you are both dressed, sober, and have the time for a proper talk.
Then you can tell him all about how it works when you have sex, if you do have those positions how you can be fine at first, but then somewhere it kicks in and you are not fine. That way you will feel easier about telling him when you need to stop. And he will understand why! There is no problem with stopping in the middle of sex. Sex is about TWO people enjoying each other, sex is NOT about him having an orgasm while you go into a panic attack. If he is a decent man he will agree with me on this, and will refuse to continue if you aren't feeling ok about what is going on.
If you can not be honest and open with your boyfriend, what sort of relationship do you ever hope to get with him? What level will you be on, always stuck on the shallow level where he doesn't really know you, cares for you, understands you, and you do not trust him?
A good relationship is built on friendship, not sex. Establish that friendship with your boyfriend now, before you continue with the sex. At least keep the sex to a minimum until you have more going on in your relationship on other levels (friendship, trust, knowing each other, having fun together etc).
Tell him. Until you are ready to tell him you are not ready to have sex with him. I guarantee you, if he cares about you, once he knows the truth about what is going on this will not cause a problem for your relationship, and you will not risk loosing him over this. But by the sound of thing you really do not know this man! And he doesn't know you. Who would leave someone in such a state after 30 minutes and have it ruin a relationship? They really can't have been close to you, or even on a friendly level. Don't dive into relationships with sex first, establish a friendship, and see if the man is good enough for you to trust!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): I have been in your shoes. I know exactly what you mean. please get professional help. Please do not be offended by saying professional help. you have been through traumatic experience, you have violated. After having therapy, I no longer feel it was my fault to have those things happen to me. I am not longer ashamed. However, the pain will never leave for good, in my case it is there and I do not think it will ever go away for good. But I am learning to live with it. Be careful who you talk to about this as when I told one girlfriend she used it against me in an argument, so I see your point. I would only speak to professionals, ask your gp to refer you.
Good luck
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