A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a gay woman in a 2 year relationship with my partner. I also have a 5 year old beautiful, intelligent little girl. My partner is extremely strict with my child and only shows her affection when we have company around us. This is hurting me so much that I have 'almost' decided to end our relationship. I say almost because I love this woman more than I have ever loved anyone I have been with and I know she loves me just as much... We have a wonderful relationship... it's just I dont think she loves my child as much as I would like her to.. my daughter is extremely affectionate, but is pushed away by my partner over and over.. I don't want this 'treatment' to ruin who my daughter will become one day... My partner is not willing to change, "she is who she is".. do I end the relationship for the sake of my beautiful daughter? Or am I making a mistake? I need direction... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lovingshook  +, writes (14 September 2009):
Oh gosh I'm sorry you're distraught over this whole thing. I saw your update and wanted to point someting out I noticed in your writing: You mentioned she said she hopes you find that supernatural person to love your daughter. That was a nasty thing to say. As if it takes someone very unusual to love the child of the person they're in love with. It's kind of a package-deal, you know? She seemed to use a tactic I've noticed lots of men using - when you hit a nerve they'll turn it around real quick and make YOU seem like the one who's out of line or crazy. Not true at all. It's an evasive tactic, nothing more.Another thing: I know when you "break up" with someone it sometimes brings forth a time of peace and comfort in the relationship. It's like when you get everything of your chest and air out your differences it makes you realize what life would be like without them and you then instinctively try to reaffirm that connection. Which is fine, by the way. It's like quitting smoking. Sometimes it takes multiple tries.But I think you're doing great. You've defended your child and said your piece. Good for you. Even if your relationship does continue I'm sure you'll keep an eye out for this problem and be more prone to dealing with it if it still turns out to be an issue.Hang in there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo last night I told her that WE cannot live with her anymore... that my child cannot live with her anymore.. The response I got was that I dont see how her and my daughter are when Im not around. (Which is about 5 minutes of every day - Im ALWAYS around) She said that she will not discipline my child or give hidings.. and that if my child is cheeky or not listening, she will not argue with a 5 year old.. and that she hopes I do find this supernatural person Im so desperately looking for to love my child the way I want them to.. What she said made me feel as if what Im asking for is too much?? My response to her was... "Im not asking you to discipline.. Im not asking you to give hidings? Im not asking you to scream and perform? Im asking you to LOVE her... And you are right, one day I hope I do find someone that will love my child... You always say that there's a reason why God never gave you children... You're right... Its for that same reason I cannot give you mine..." I walked away and went to bed... Im drowning inside.. Im swallowing.. and Im trying to cope...
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (10 September 2009):
 There was once a poster whose problem was that she felt guilty for not loving her step-daughter deep inside, although she acted kindly towards the child. I think that's fine. One difference seems to be that your partner isn't even kind to your daughter, never mind loving her. In this case I agree to the other answerers, this is not something to play around with - maybe deeper feelings can't be forced but goodness, appreciation and the alike shouldn't be missing. I added this to explain my statement about love between step families. I gave an exemple of how to treat the child when she errs but there are many other situations, reactions, etc. to plan one by one with a more aware partner. It seems you have made up your mind though and you know best how serious the situation is because you're living it. I see you also have the opinion of someone who has been in your boat and you can see how your stories intersect. Hopefully you will make the best decision for you and your child.
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female
reader, lovingshook +, writes (10 September 2009):
I'm not an expert in anything really but I do know one thing for sure: children are so incredibly intuitive to thier surroundings. Your daughter can sense your partner's lack of affection regularly. I think this will inevitably turn into resentment towards you and a hatred towards your partner. Also, as the child gets older and gains her independence, she will exercise those feelings and you could be headed for a very unhappy household I'm afraid.
Your partner is supposed to be the adult in this matter. if she is aware of what she's doing and refuses to change I think it's time to find a new partner. Counseling for all of you may also be an option.
In any case, best of luck to you.
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female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (10 September 2009):
im sorrry if i sound harsh... its just that i had a boyfriend who used to be the same with my son.maybe more extreme than your case. my son is a very sensitive loving little boy. he would get jealous my sons and my relationship. call my son a faggot. i mean never to his face but to me when he got upset. i would see the little looks hed give him when he was unaware i was watching. i got tired of that. my son was happy but as he got older hed tell me how much he hatedd him and wanted him gone. he began spending more time with his father and withdrawing and before i knew it my 8 yr old couldnt trust my judgement as a mother. kids are smarter than what we think sometimes. i had to make a choice if you cant love my son you cant love me. and it hurt like hell but i know i did the right thing for me and my son. and my son is a totally diffrent child now because he nows mommy did it for him.
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reader, AskEve  +, writes (10 September 2009):
 When your partner started a relationship with you she KNEW you had a daughter. If she truly loves you then she should love your daughter too as she is a part of you, part of the package so to speak. I'm afraid things don't sound very hopeful. YOU can see what's happening just now and as your daughter grows and gets older she's going to notice too. She'll start not only to resent your partner but to answer her back and this will cause big problems.
I suggest you have another very serious talk with your partner and if things don't improve (give it say 2 months) then I'd sacrifice your relationship on the side of your daughter as what's happening just now will have a big impact your daughter's future in a very negative way.
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Taina1980 for the very honest opinion.. I agree with you 100%.. To be honest, I thought I was maybe doing something wrong.. I think the hard truth about my partner, is that she is a miserable person deep deep inside, and I have nothing to do with that.. that is just how she is. Maybe its time for me to face facts.. go through the pain of losing her, and maybe start realising that with her loss I gain a magnificent child full of confidence when she is older? Im hurting so much.. I feel so hopeless.. I know in my heart what I need to do... I just hope Im doing the right thing...
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female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (10 September 2009):
children require more than juslt finacial stability... they need love and support. it is incredibly unfair for you to have to ask a person to pretend your daughter is your household pet. give me a break . you deserve better and your daughter deserves more than that. she can be nice to your daughter in front of company because she cares about appearences and what others think which tells me she is highly intelligent and knows what the hell she is doing. she wouldnt dream of people thinking she was an evil bitch. she knows right from wrong. she knows what she is doing to that little girl isnt right. the more you say the worst the situation sounds. how much can she really love you if she treats your daughter like she's non existent? thats not love girl. she doesnt consider your daughter family from what you say about her comments. your daughter is first your feelings come dead last. it is what it is. you are a package deal if she cant except that then kick her ass to the curb. your daughter is sitting there drawing pictures of the perfect family and you are saying but she loves me? not cool.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, thank you for taking the time to respond to my desperate cry for help.. My partner is committed to me and my daughter, she provides for her, BUT she has never had children of her own... Her state of mind is revealed with little comments here and there which cut my heart out - one was about her brother.. I quote "My brother must hurry up and have children now so he can give my parents REAL grandchildren"... this tells me that she does not accept my child as her own... We have what most gay couples dream of.. a family.. I am a devoted partner, a loving mother.. and all I expect back from my partner is patience and love where my child is concerned.. I feel this is lacking.. the worst is that she sees no fault in her action - or non-action.. She feels her relationship is good enough with my child.. I feel its not.. I question why she can be so affectionate toward my daughter when we are around other people, but not at home? My daughter loves her so much, she really does.. she is always drawing the three of us.. our names were the first she learned to write.. Am I over-sensitive? Is it wrong to want someone to love your child unconditionally? My partner loves dogs.. we went a bought two to add to our little family.. she speaks to them so nicely, so differently.. Ive even had to stoop as low as asking her to pretend my daughter was a Daschund just to get that loving tone out of her... I really dont know what to do..
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reader, taina1980 +, writes (10 September 2009):
as parents it is our responsibilty to protect our children. if she doesnt love your daughter get rid of her. love hurts but your child is the most important person . she has to come first in all decisions. you can fins another woman but who is going to taake the place of that beautiful little girl? no one. think of the longterm effects that this will have on your child as she gets older. she will grow and be resentful of you for allowing someone to treat her that way. worsts she may grow up to be like this herelf one day. she is very smart right now and the fact that she is so affectionate tells me that not only is this in her innocent nature but she has to know that the lady doesnt care for her and is trying to make an effort for her to be nice. this is a tremendous burden to put on a child so young. talk to your partner and tell her if things dont change she will have to go or vice versa. no one is worth the stability and well being of your daughter.
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reader, bitterblue +, writes (10 September 2009):
Great reply from the previous poster. You obviously can't make her love your child, but could she realise how this is taking away from this wonderful relationship you say you have overall, so she needs to review her attitude a little and make an effort?Children are vulnerable, and some are more vulnerable than others, they can easily be made feel left out, unwanted, unappreciated. A good start would be for her (your partner) to limit her authority, if the child spills juice on the rug or spends hours playing computer games, you are called in to handle the matter in YOUR way and she learns from how you handle it. She doesn't have to copy you in detail, of course, but understand how you like your daughter to be treated, which you, the woman she loves, considers is essential in a happy family home. Also, in this fashion, only you decide when to punish her or tell her off, she should just express her disapproval mildly if at all, and then leave the matter entirely to you, the mother, and the more experienced in bearing and rearing a child. You could both do some research work to support your actions on valid theories on children's development, treatments, etc.She doesn't have to love the child, just show her more sympathy, kindness, not put her down, etc. But you don't say in which way she is extremely strict? Maybe she thinks you are too mild. You would have to firstly understand how each of you views these situations. Suggest that you want to be a mediator between the two. Basically you are a mediator already by telling your partner your child needs more appreciation and less harshness and by possibly telling the child that your partner is not overly affectionate by nature, but has good intentions (if this is so). Although you'd then have to explain your child what "intentions" are and probably jump from one definition to another and end up having to explain half of the dictionary. Just joking and wanting to emphasize it's your partner who you will have to bring to work with you and for your family's peace as adults. Your daughter is probably too little to understand certain things and for certain approaches.I assume the situation is pretty distasteful since you consider breaking up but if it doesn't get any better and ALL you can get from your partner is a "I am what I am" or variations of this style at the next chat and the one after that, then you are in disagreement on how to raise and what to offer a child and that is enough of a deal breaker, I dare say. Hopefully, you will be able to avoid this by reaching a compromise. But if this doesn't happen, I too think you should move on and act in accordance with your child's best interests. Best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): Yes, I think that answer is true. You must put your child first - but initially have a sit down and a long chat with her about her behaviour - and be really honest.
If her behaviour does not show any signs of improvement, quite quickly than I am afriad you will need to rethink your relationship status with her. I mean, why would you want to stay with someone who treats your child badly and is that selfish?
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