A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently got married and on our wedding night my wife dropped a bombshell by saying shez not a vrigin. she said she had sex while she was 9 years old and the guy was 20 years old. She didn't have any boyfriend or any sort of relationship since then. I don't know what should I do coz am really depressed. By the way I am from a very conservative family
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2009): Ask yourself what exactly makes her virginity mean so much. I am not condemning you or your culture for this, I am asking you to think specifically.
If you wanted a wife who would remain chaste and give her sexuality to nobody else but you, you've still got it. She never did give her sexuality to anyone but you.
If you want a wife who does not come with the baggage of a sexual past, you've still mostly got it. No pregnancy, no STDs, no loose reputation. She has a rape to deal with but that's something different.
If you wanted a wife who would not have experienced another man to compare you to, I think you've still got it too. This was a traumatic event 10 years ago that probably never had anything in common with consensual sex. The person that this rapist had sex with did not even look anything like your wife does today. That was a child.
There is a difference between someone who is careless with their money, and someone who is careful with it but then gets robbed. Your wife has been 100% careful with her sexuality her whole life. She just got robbed one time 10 years ago.
A
male
reader, PD  +, writes (18 June 2009):
I agree with most writers that she possibly was raped. But to you, You might think you missed the "break the cherry" part. Well, it's not much different from all sex thereafter. If it is only your dignity/pride involve, please, lower them to accommodate her. In fact you should feel proud to have a wife so willing to share deep secrets with you then many today who hide them. If you can elaborate where your "conservative" values come from, it will be easier for all to see your concerns. (for example, is it culture, religion (which?), family, etc.)
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A
female
reader, -x- B -x-  +, writes (17 June 2009):
 I think you should be supportive of her. She was probably sexually abused. You need to move on - she must have been traumatised by this and I think it was brave of her to tell you - she probably dug up alot of horrid memories to do that. Most of all I was wondering why is it so important to you that she was a virgin. Alot of women have sex at younger ages now especially todays teens. I understand that you may have been shocked but surely you should be more depressed at the fact that you WIFE was most likely SEXUALLY ABUSED at 9 YEARS OLD! please take this into consideration! - B x
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A
female
reader, lovendurs432  +, writes (17 June 2009):
Well it sounds very simply like she was sexually abused. I'm not sure what your religious views are [I assumed you had one since you gave so much thought to virginity] but regardless your wife is now your wife. All you can do now is choose to love her and realize that she must love you since she's made a commitment to be your wife... Forever. All that should really matter now is the love THE TWO OF YOU SHARE, and how you can work your live out together
Just my opinion, hope it helps
God Bless
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): Well it sounds very simply like she was sexually abused. I'm not sure what your religious views are [I assumed you had one since you gave so much thought to virginity] but regardless your wife is now your wife. All you can do now is choose to love her and realize that she must love you since she's made a commitment to be your wife... Forever. All that should really matter now is the love THE TWO OF YOU SHARE, and how you can work your live out together
Just my opinion, hope it helps
God Bless
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): Dear trust her ,if she had told you everything it means she doen`t want to cheat You,otherwise she would not and she could make a any dam excuse for the same..but ask her if she was involved with a guy or he forced her to physical...ask everything clearly...and dear i think she want to spend a honest and happy relationship with you so she have told everything clearly being an indian i tell you trust her...she must not wrong..don`t be so...and live happy life with her....all the best dear
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): to the poster, did your wife tell you that she was raped or was she a "willing participant". raped=forced to indulge in sex or willing participant= although underage to have sex, decided to indulge in sexual activity with a much older man/boy of 20. (lets not get outraged now , lets be realistic. minors, although it is deemed morally wrong do sometimes have sex at age 9. i cannot comprehend this activity but lets be realistic about this. one kid in the UK recently "fathered" a baby and i think he was 9 -although later reports claimned that he was not the dad).
to the orginal poster, i think we need clarity so that we can then give you our perspectives on this virginity issue.
thank you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): Yea all you aunts are right - up to a point. Yes it's all very sad what happened but we are dealing with a different culture here, one I know a little bit about.
This terrible experience happened over 10+ years ago. She should have told you when you both realised things were getting serious, then left you to contemplate and respond accordingly - not hit you with it on your wedding night, probably through fear of you discovering her loss of virginity.
Many people in the west don't understand the implications of this culture-wise so I say to 'reader anonymous', who hasn't the guts to put a monicker to their answer, I HAVE a life, I am well-travelled, have a certain understanding of cultures and was responding to the poster, not his wife, and not to you.
Anyway poster, I hope you get it resolved and you both manage to eventually move on from this awful bombshell.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): She was raped.
If that's all the sex she ever had before you, then she was still a virgin as far as I'm concerned.
It's just not "sex" to be raped a child. What she experienced probably had more in common with being beaten up while being stuck with a broomhandle. Ugh. I shudder even thinking about it.
I don't see how this should really bother you now, at least in the sense of her losing virginity. The only way I can think this would be that big of a deal is if you REALLY overestimate how enjoyable it is for a child to have something painfully large put into her vagina against her will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): Can you actually think that she wanted to have sex with a 20 year old at 9 year old. what planet are you from. and to the well cheated responder what planet are you from. this little girl was raped. you should be glad that she even told you and not in some kind of distress because of this. she could actually be ruined for life. at nine years old she is not even getting dressed good alone so how can she say yes i want to have sex. get a life and be glad she loved you enough and confided in you enough to tell that. she has probably been very scared to tell you. and you need to grow up and remember the real reason you married her. if it was because of her being a virgin then you need to divorce her.
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A
female
reader, athenas +, writes (16 June 2009):
Your wife was raped buddy dont try to make her feel bad shes trusting you in telling you what happened she was probably scared of telling you too early. Dont be deppressed because its not like she wanted it. Just talk it out. Good luck!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): No 9-year-old is capable of informed consent to sex. Your wife was raped as a child, by an adult PEDOPHILE. I guarantee she did not do this for pleasure...it was forced upon her. I know it's hard to deal with for you now, but imagine what she has felt living with this knowledge for the last however many years. She trusted you enough to be honest with you. Please don't judge her for something over which she had no control.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (15 June 2009):
 Amen, Eyeswideopen. Your wife didn't just have sex when she was nine. She was sexually violated when she was nine. She was raped. You should be depressed for your wife, not because of your wife. I imagine this has left her scarred from such a traumatic experience. She was too young to understand what was going on.
For some people, virginity means the physical breaking of the hymen, but to most it means so much more. She lost her virginity to YOU, not to that scum bag who violated her when she was an innocent child.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 June 2009):
 She didn't have sex when she was 9, she was raped when she was 9. Sounds like your wife trusts you and loves you very much or she could have kept this horrible incident in her past. Show her some compassion for crying out loud. Man up Buddy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): Looks like you've been well cheated. Don't know what you can do though - some women here may not see it as a big deal but we, as guys know it IS.
You got my sympathy and I hope you can try to put it behind you both but it's going to take a lot of courage, patience and time. Have a private chat if you feel the need because it sounds like you have no-one to confide in but us.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, laur2000 +, writes (15 June 2009):
The sex that she had was RAPE! It could not be concented to and seems to have hurt her deeply as your the only kind of relationship she has had. She's the one that should feel depressed not you. You should be pleased that she trusted you to somthing that is so personal and painful for her and in return support her and be there for her. Good luck
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (15 June 2009):
 Get over it!!!! It doesn't mean anything, it was a while ago, you need to move on! X
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