A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am seriuosly confused and struggling to understand the root cause behind my feelings. Short version: I sometimes think I am deeply in love with my sister in law (wife's sister), so much so that often days go by where I can't think of anything but her and fantasize about how to have sex with her. Long version: I started having curiousity driven confused feelings about my sister in law a few years back when i discovered about a secrete affair she was having with another guy. I am very close to her (she calls me her best friend!). She always maintains a very modest outlook in the family in my presence (i.e. very prudent!). For example, no watching of any tv (movies, tv shows, comedy shows etc) together which could have any explicit language in it, no wearing of bikinis, not even wearing shorts or similarly "non-modest" clothing, etc in my presence. She is otherwise very smart, outgoing and fun loving girl. So, I always had a view of her that she was very "decent", and not into "those" sort of things. But then I found out about this guy and the stuff she was doing with him totally hidden from her family. It just blew me away. Thinking back, I feel that I was consumed by this thought of *jealousy* that she would share such a free, fun and beautifull side of her with a total strangers who she just met, and will keep her family--who she is otherwise very close and loving with--at such a distance. I could not cope with that. That affair of her faded into the past, and she has been into a few more since then. I am aware of most of them. Since I discovered that she does have a wild sexy side to her, I started to feel more for her. I guess that she was coming across as a total forbidden fruit, where she would not even reveal her feminine side in front of me. Please note that I am very level headed, well educated professional with a very good job, beautifull wife and lovely kids. I am not a sex addict who walks around with his dick in his hand. But I somehow felt a betrayl or you-are-not-allowed kind of message from her where she was completely shuting a side of her from me (we are otherwise very close). Also the thought that completely unknown guys are be able to see the most sexy sides of her in an instant while I can't even watch normal tv freely when she is around was too much of a forbidden territory. I can imagine that she probably wanted to keep things decent between us because I am married to her sister, and she doesn't want me to ever get any wrong ideas. Neither do I. I am very happily married and love my wife the most. But I think she went too far to completely hide a side of her from me. It then progressed into her having other affairs where she would not talk about them with anyone in the family. That was even more of a bother because she would leave family sittings with an excuse and go to her room to talk, chat and cam with guys. I am so confused as to I don't even know why I get so upset about it. Is it love? Is it curiousity? Is it jealousy--which I think it is but I could be wrong--that complete strangers are able to enjoy the "best" part of her while her best friend (me) and the family are totally dropped and forgotten when a new jerk comes into the picture? Is it obsession? I don't know what it is. I need some help trying to understand my feelings, and some help in coping with them. Please note that I may fantasize about even having sex with her and think of ways to do, but in actuality, I don't want to do it. It will wreck my home, and I will loose her forever as a friend. But these odd feelings and her bizarre behaviours (or so they seem to me) are driving me crazy. So, please, I am not asking for any advice on how to bed her. All I want is to hear from other people with their views on why it bothers me so much? Why she keeps herself so wrapped up and hidden from me? I don't want her to walk around naked in front of me, nor do I want her to watch porn with me, or share with me the details of how a guy turns her on etc. Nothing like that. But she goes too far giving the impression that she is oh so nice girl who never thinks about guys and sex and can't even watch a stand up comedy when I am around, while goes on to do the slutiest of things with guys in secret. To give you an example of how much she stays proper and prudent in front of me: she was once standing facing her brother with her arms on his shoulders (sort of like a hug position but still several inches apart), and there were other family members around. But when I walked into the room, she jerked to drop her arms, stand back and started to look all proper and "covered". Please, I will appreciate hearing from you. Thank you very very much. I am in late thirties. She is 27, and non-married. Well educated and a professional job.
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affair, best friend, jealous, porn, sex addict, sister in law Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): You are a tortured soul aren't you? Reading your story, it seems to me that your SIL is not interested in you in that way at all. Perhaps she sees the way you look at her and it makes her uncomfortable so she avoids dressing sexily when you're there, or acting in a sexual way with you looking horny and jealous. She is young, single and can do what she likes with either guys without explaining or sharing the details with her family, or you. What more can she do to turn you off - scar her face and pull her teeth out to make herself unattractive. She sees you as a friend but you make her uncomfortable with your obvious lust for her. How to get over this obsession? Stop trying to get close to her by pretending you are friends, romance your wife, jazz up your sex life with her, make her your best friend and when you see your SIL, tell yourself she is OUT OF BOUNDS, as someone inappropriate like your own blood sister would be. You can do it - obsession and infatuation can be cured. I wish you luck and happiness.
A
male
reader, OzBloke +, writes (24 September 2009):
This seems to me to be about infatuation. I have been infatuated with my SIL for many years. I know this situation well.My SIL has lead me to think she feels the same way and on one or two occasions I believe she even opened the door for me. I did not take the chance, although my heart beat fast like I was running.I told my wife about my infatuation with her sister, and even told her about the occasions which I believed to be invitations. It does not please her. I think deep down she is happy with me, but it does hurt to hear. I think anyone could understand that.What I don't tell me wife, is how in my fantasies I do run wild with the ideas. What I do in reality has consequences. What I do in fantasy is nobody's business but mine.I know this is not a direct answer, but perhaps it is helpful information for yourself or others.
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A
male
reader, holikdad  +, writes (8 June 2009):
Man that was WAY to long and cluttered to even read. You need to fantasize how to have sex with her? Do you not know how? Should we send you a copy of the Kama Sutra? Seriously stop thinking with the big head and not the little one. One night of sex, even if it was the best in your entire life is not worth throwing your family away for.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): i am in the same boat. though my wifes sister is older . nontheless i see her a very beautiful and sexual being. i live with her so my story and pain feels a whole lot more complicated. my thoights are my own. my wife nor my sister in law hints at any of it. you and i will simply have to bear the pain and the sorrow for unrequited infatuation. believe you me, its all just infatuation.... i find that if i have less contact, though hard to do we live together... my day lives on. the only way we can survive our thoughts is to have less time and less contact with them. so, how disciplined are you to do that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): The whole time I was reading your message, I was thinking how utterly selfish you sounded. Don't you realize how hurt your wife would feel if she knew what designs you had about her sister? I think you need to get your act together or let your wife move on with someone who truly loves her and isn't interested in satisfying some caveman fantasy. The more you preoccupy yourself with this the more likely you will give in to this temptation. Keep in mind should you do this with her, she'll just move on afterwards and your life and the life of your family will be in ruins.
I'm not sure of your age, but it sounds like midlife crisis to me. One more fling at the cat - so to speak.
Get a grip and decide if you want your family or some quick and dirty action.
You might find therapy benefical to help you decide what's going on before you blow your marriage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): OK, agreed that it is lust. Even if it is love, it is not healthy and will destroy my life and home nonetheless. No argument there. Agreed that I need to get my head back in order. So, how do I get over this? She is family so I can't just stop seeing her....
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): Great answer, by Anais below. Everything you have described about this sister in law is sexually based. You say nothing about her intellect, her personality, her humaness...who she really is deep inside. You are simply lusting after her and we all know, lust is a physical emotion that we act upon in the heat of the moment. There is the desire and whim that she should be yours. No thought or compassion is put forward into her, as another person. You only 'think' you care about her because of what it or she can offer you. So this is an intense desire or craving for self gratification...a completely shallow way of believing you're in love. Sigh...so many people get lust and love mixed up. Actually I am surprised that a fellow your age (with a beautiful wife and family whom, you love), could not tell the difference here. Basically, all you want to do...is boink the sister in law. So hear this, if you only want to be with this sister in law to have only sex, it's lust! And because this sister in law, is having some fun with other men...you feel entitled to 'that' too, which of course..you aren't. Your problem, your obsession and it's not healthy.
What you have with your wife and family is love. Love is the foundation of families and stable societies. Focus in on that..and behave yourself or you stand to lose a lot and create heartache and great pain to the people you truely do love. Smarten up, man and get over this.
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A
female
reader, AnaisDeBeauvoir +, writes (5 June 2009):
Well it seems to me that your sister-in-law is what my brother describes as "a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets) which is usually what men look for in a relationship. She keeps her reputation above board by avoiding even the appearance of sexuality. There is nothing wrong with what she's doing. She would has no obligation to show you any side except what you would expect from your own flesh and blood sister. Sounds like a gal who knows how to keep her pillow talk in the bedroom.
The issue is that you are feeling what you describe as jealousy because she is having sexual relationships. There could be a couple of things going on here the way I see it. I don't think that what you're feeling is jealousy. Sounds like a bruised ego to me. Sort of a "why is she wasting her time with these jerks. If I wasn't married I could really should her a good time." It just kinda stings because you know its not you and it likely never will be.
Also I don't think you're actually in love with her, but I would definitely say you're infatuated with her. And as we all know you can only tell the difference between love and infatuation in hindsight. She's mysterious and unknown. Your curiosity was picqued, and now that you know she's quite the little love tigress it has become a near obssession. That combined with the fact that she is so close, yet frustratingly out of reach make a recipie for madness! You have come face to face with the Untouchable Vixen, and like most men, you're quite unsure how to proceed.
You have to manage to pull yourself together. Ideally, you would want to avoid seeing her or having any contact with her, but as she is family that doesn't seem feasible. I would definitely not have anymore private talks with her and for goodness sake, man, don't let her tell you about any of her boy toys. It will only drive you deeper into this pit of desperation. You are thinking clearly enough now, as you are not (yet) willing to pursue her...but I tell you this: a man who wants something that badly but cannot get it will soon begin making reckless decisions that are founded in passion and not common sense.
I have seen it happen; it aint pretty! And you won't know its happening until you have managed to lose your marital stability, your self-respect, and ultimately your sanity.
Steer clear till your head clears!!!
Best wishes!!!
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