A
female
age
36-40,
*ansonGroupie
writes:Hi everyone,I’m new here and have been milling around trying to answer folk’s questions.Well, here goes…My partner and I have been together for seven months and we hit it off from the moment we met nearly a year ago. We have pretty much everything in common and for the first couple of months we didn’t stop being ‘over the top’ lovey-dovey and romantic. It was perfect!He has been through a lot of turmoil in his life; I sometimes can’t stand to think of what’s happened to him as it makes me feel ill. He must be strong to still be here, that’s all I’m going to say on that side of it for now.He suffers from depression and it has become apparent that he has nearly all of his life (he’s mid forties), worsening over the last three years.Just lately (last three weeks or so), he has distanced himself to such a degree that I’m on the verge of crying virtually every day at some point. He doesn’t talk unless it’s to complain or criticise something that I’ve said or done. He seems to blame me for everything.He doesn’t eat (unless I tell him to) or do any of the things that he enjoys. He shouts and gets angry at the smallest things. If I try talking to him I just get one word answers or he talks so quietly that I can’t hear him, then if I ask him to repeat what he said, he gets angry and tells me I should listen.We used to have fun walking around the supermarket on a Saturday afternoon, now I dread the thought of going because he moans about being in pain, talks very quietly (which is almost impossible to hear in a busy shop), questions every item of food I pick up, yells at me for not packing the bags correctly, gets pissed off if I push the trolley and even more so if I don’t! He is not in any state to deal with his own emotions, let alone mine but, it’s almost as if I’m not allowed feelings at all. I don’t think he realises what it’s like on the other side of depression.I realise that this is an illness and will be the first to admit that I haven’t handled it brilliantly. I started by drinking my way through which caused arguments, then started asking every two mins if he is ok. I now just ask him to talk if he feels like it and we act almost like strangers around the flat.When we go to bed, I hold his hand and tell him that I love him and will always be there for him.He is at the doctors again later this week to see about changing his medication, or at least finding out how long the side effects are supposed to last.I don’t know if this is just a rant, if any of you have any advice or encouraging words, please, please, please reply.I feel like such a failure to him, I let him down at every hurdle and I can’t seem to get across how much I love him. We haven’t been together all that long but, when you find the right one, you just know and need to find out if this situation can/will improve. Please let me know… Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): I am here for you if you need me...feel free to private message me.
I know from my own experience what you are feeling. Not everyone understands but i really appreciate those who do.
I know what you are going through!
I wish you the best...and I understand you wanting to stand by your man! I have the utmost respect for you!
A
female
reader, MansonGroupie +, writes (2 July 2009):
MansonGroupie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all so, so much for your replies, it is very much appreciated and has given me more strength.
He is very good with taking his medication and is seeing a counsellor to help with his past demons and to brighten his future. I got a bit upset though as he told his counsellor that my negativity (it was once when I felt overwhelmed and said 'do what you want, I don't care') had hurt him deeply! I realise I was wrong but, I work full-time in quite a stressful job and to return home to him, I guess I just blew a gasket...It hasn't happened since!
I'm trying to listen sympathetically (even though it's very hard to hear him sometimes as he's so quiet and mumbles), I agree with everything he says and do my best to encourage him to read his self-help books and to do things that he enjoys. It's just very difficult when all your efforts are met with negative response.
I am a little worried that maybe when our relationship was new & fresh, it boosted him temporarily and now I'm doing more harm than good?!
Unfortunately, I do still drink quite heavily on occasion (weekends only), all I do is sing badly and then fall asleep! He drinks too, which is great at the time as it seems to lift his mood but, the next day is a nightmare as he lacks energy even more and is grumpier. I know alcohol is a depressant so more has to be done in this area to cut down...or even stop completely.
This isn't his fault, I know that. It just seems so hopeless and maybe even a little soul-destroying on a daily basis.
I refuse to give up on him, he is my life and the connection we shared in the first few months gives me hope and courage to fight for this amazing man. He doesn't deserve to be going through this.
I have a great deal of respect for you, britt429, it sounds like you have dealt with a hell of a lot and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you passing on your knowledge and trying to help others. That goes for all of you though, thank you, thank you, thank you...you don't know how much it means to me.
xx
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (1 July 2009):
 your in a very difficult situation but my hats off to you for being a loyal partner, he is lucky man indeed.
my dear, i do not know if things will get easier, the best thing u can do is take each day as it comes positively.
its not your partners fault he is like this so pardon the irony but dont take it personally - its the illness what makes you suffer not him intentionally.
im always a believer in helping people.
have u brought him some self help books?
if he enjoys reading he will enjoy this! & it will make him feel better.
and of course the dr should be able to sort him the appropriate medication, but i feel he can heal himself if he is strong enough.
hav faith.
good luck!
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A
female
reader, xcharlottex +, writes (1 July 2009):
The only thing I can tell you is that in his current state, when you talk to him, speak with the intention to listen and learn him and what he has to say, don't blame him for anything, if he accuses you of something, agree and sympathise (even if you know you're right, there are reasons behind his words and whether those are he's hurt, disapointed in himself, etc and that is just his way of expressing it) at the very least, this'll stop an argument forming as you're agreeing with what he's saying. Don't view this as being a pushover, view it as learning your partner, and making the best of the communication you have, hopefully after a little time, he'll respond in a better way than he has before,Just try it, you've got nothing to lose Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): Living with depression is a horrible existence! I have been on both sides and know it well!
The depressed person will not improve unless he/she accepts that there is a problem and seeks help! Since he is planning on seeing his doctor, there is hope. Altering his medication could help.
I lived with a bi-polar, sociopath for a great many years...and a result of that was my own depression. I have just recently added a new med to my existing ones....with unbelievable results! I am a different person. I have gone from thinking about dying all the time to loving life! It didn't happen over night though. I had to take the meds for about a month before seeing dramatic results!
Back to living with a depressed person...there is absolutely nothing you can do other than encourage him to take his meds. Nothing is your fault (no matter what he tells you) He will find ways to blame you for everything. But don't buy into it. It is all part of his depression!
By the way, I understand you turning to booze, but it is not the answer! And I think you know that now!
I wish you luck and patience! It isn't an easy way to live!
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