A
male
age
41-50,
*ndianna
writes:Bit of a long one this. A few months ago i met up with an old school friend. before we met up we'd been emailing and texting each other a lot. during this time our feelings for each other grew. we both felt an emotional and sexual connection. we met up, things were a bit awkward partly because we hadn't seen each other for 15 years, and in the end we ended up sleeping wit each other. the following day she said she didn't want things to go any further because she had commitment issues. i accepted this because i know she's had horrible experiences in the past, including an abusive ex-husband. anyway, after a week or so we both realised we couldn't live with out each other and starting dating.From that point on it's been fantastic. the issue i have is that i have found out that during the build up to us meeting up for the first time she was dating someone else. i don't mind this as such as i suppose we weren't exclusive at the time. but two days after we first met and she bolted she had this other guy round for dinner. i don't mind this so much as we weren't together at the time. i asked her about it an she said that they kissed and nothing more happened because she realised she was falling for me and she swore she didn't sleep with him. however, there were a few inaccuracies in her story about i so i asked her to tell me the truth about what happened. we had big row because she got so upset because she had told be the truth about this other guy from the start and that i had no reason to doubt her. she made me feel awful for ever doubting her and for not having 100% trust in her from the start.She played the guilt trip card perfectly and we nearly split up over it. now i have found out that she did sleep with him. this is a fact, no doubts about it. she made me feel so bad for doubting her when in fact i was right all along. she accused me of not trusting her word when in fact it was her that was lying. she made me feel guilty and bad about myself when it was her that was in the wrong.we are now stupidly in love and thinking of committing to eachother long term. should i let bygones be bygones and forgive her for lying because i do trust her now? or should i bring it up so that she knows she can't get away with it in the future. i'm worried that if i do bring it up i may lose her but then I don't want her thinking she can get away with lying to me and treating me like a fool. advice please?
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male
reader, citic101  +, writes (1 July 2009):
 Let bygones be bygones and move on and forget the past. You said you are madly in love with her and so dont risk it but raking over old coals !
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): I am not missing the point. You had no right to ask her this question in the first place. She told you what you wanted to hear to avoid further questions. If she lied about more important issues, then I would have a problem with it, but what she did before the two of you made your relationship official is none of your business unless she was in a committed relationship with another man and she dumped him for you, then you might question her integrity, but it doesn't seem to be the case. She was dating both of you casually, no? The two of you are not partners, not yet.
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A
male
reader, indianna +, writes (1 July 2009):
indianna is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontwo different replies. but thank you both. the thing is she only told me about this other guy afterwards. rhythmandblues2 you are missing the point. it's the lying that is an issue. she's looked me in the eyes and sworn on her life that things went no further than a kiss. if she'd told the truth that would be fine, it's the lying i can't stand. you are basically saying it's ok to lie to your partner. surely trust is the most important issue in a strong relationship and it is her that is lying.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): Yes, I think you should give her another chance! You weren't actually together at the time.
Sometimes people lie to protect the people they love. I'm not saying it's right, but it does happen.
I believe in honesty and trust in a relationship. You will have to regain her trust. She will have to earn it! But I don't believe what happened so early on in your relationship is a total deal-breaker.
Everyone deserves a second chance!
Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): I think if something is bothering you, then you should be straight with her and tell her exactly how you feel before you commit to her. You do want to commit but you felt mistreated when you should not have been, and you fear you may be lied to again or the tables may turn on you in the future when you try to confront her about problems. If you talk to her about it you have to stare the conversation into coming to a resolve.
Maybe she has had commitment issues from her past but I do hope she can be straight forward with you in the future and not use it as an excuse. No one likes to be misled or mistreated.
At the same time you can deal with it yourself since it was in the past, and technically you both weren't seeing each other officially. So its your call :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): You two are adults, you started off your relationship upon your first meeting with sex. You both chose to do this without commitment to each other. She was in a non committed relationship with another man when you first saw each other and she says she told you about this. You really have no right to say anything about her sleeping with another man when you had not asked her to be exclusive with you, and she apparantly either had unfinished business with him or she was still dating him and you at the same time and you were aware of it.
She does not owe you sexual fidelity if you have not promised her the same or asked her to be exclusive with you.
I say grow up and apologize for giving her such a difficult time over it.
If she does something like this after the two of you are a couple, then you have problems...but you haven't said that you are either one at that point in your relationship.
This is a common thing that happens when you have sex so early in a dating relationship, deal with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): hi there you posted 2/3 days ago, and i responded, please read my comments. i believe i make valid points but you also need other opinions as well. trust and lies is a big, big issue here.
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