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anonymous
writes: So, here I am once again, reaching out to my fellow Aunts! I need some magic words that will make everything better, and I know that's unrealistic. Never the less, I need something from you guys! Any suggestions or words of encouragement will be appreciated. I have been in an LDR for about a year now. Everything was moving along just great! I was planning a move to his area...transferring with my company...getting a place of my own, etc. I was going to move in the spring. And now, everything has changed!I have just learned that my mom needs open heart surgery but refuses to have it done. My father has alzheimers, and would be lost without my mom! I have had to put my plans on hold (my decision) My parents are wonderful people who have been there for me throughout my life! I love them dearly, and cannot just go tramping off across the country knowing they need me here! My boyfriend and I love each other, and couldn't wait to be together. I had to take my home off the market and will have to atleast postpone the job transfer. I am going through the motions of daily life, but feel as though nothing has meaning anymore. I am trying to be positive. But it is difficult. I don't know how to shake these feelings. I know if I am going to be any hope and assistance to my family, I have to come out of this. I have reached out to my children, but they have thier own lives and I've only heard from one out of the three. I am feeling so alone, and confused! My boyfriend has been very understanding and supportive, but I feel that as time passes, we will drift apart! I just don't know what to do! I am feeling dazed and confused (for lack of a better description) As I said, any suggestions, or words of encouragement would be so appreciated! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 March 2009):
 Britt, I'm so happy to hear that things are proceeding in a positive direction. Yay! And you just illustrated the importance of good communication, with your boyfriend and you parents. That's so good to hear.
All the best!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello and Thank You again for all your great advice. This site has become such a part of my day!
I wanted to update you all on what's going on with me. I have made a decision to continue moving forward with my plans to move up north.
I visited with my parents this evening and we talked for hours about the situation. My mother assures me that she feels fine. They want me to move forward and be happy! I love them for it!
I have been miserable, depressed and just all around not into life at all for the past week. Tonight I replaced the Forsale Signs on my home, and I feel alive!
My parents and I agreed that I can hop on a plane at any time if need be.
My boyfriend has been as depressed as I have been. Infact, we almost got into a fight last night because we are both so stressed. If not for our ability to talk everything out, we may have just given up.
Thank you for all your support and advice on this matter! I love you all!
Britt
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your thoughtful advice! Tish...I will do some of the things you have suggested. I don't have any siblings, my older brother took his own life 25 years ago. I have been pissed at him since he did, but now, I am really pissed at him! I wish he was here with me! But that's another story...I will have to contact my kids again and stress that this is an important matter! Not that I haven't stressed that already! They are all the way over on the east coast though. I don't know how much help the can be.
My boyfriend does love me, but I'm not sure if he loves me enough. My mother feels that if he came here, he wouldn't live very long...he has heart problems too. If he did come he would be doing it for me and would feel like a fish out of water. I live in Phoenix...he is from a small town in Maine, way out in the country...lots of land.
Just what I need right now, another life to worry about!
He may decide to come here, at least temporarily.
I told my mother last night that I will be going to the doctor with her on her next appointment which isn't till April.
My co-workers know what's going on, but I haven't talked to my one close friend yet. I know she will be there for me! Infact, if I did leave for Maine, she would keep an eye on my parents for me.
There is also a couple who my parents socialize with and are very, very close to them. I know they will be there for them.
It's all such a shock to me. I guess I have to get used to the idea. And as my boyfriend told me, take one day at a time.
Thank you again soooo much! You guys are great...I am so happy I found this site! I will keep you posted!
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (5 March 2009):
 Tisha basically has outlined the steps that you can do for the next 6 months (hopefully it is the maximum period).
My grandmother had alzheimer for over 10 years before she passed. Although some of her children lived in the same town as my mother, they had "no time" to look after her so the "responsibility" fell almost entirely on my mother.
So, I was wondering, is there any possibility that your b/f be the one being transferred to your hometown? Instead of you moving to his?
If that is not possible, then, like Tisha said, your will need to tell your children that you too, have the right to be with a loved one without having to abandon your parents. And that your children have a fair share of responsibilities ( as you do) to look after them. Or your siblings (if they live in the same town as you, or within manageable travelling distance).
Assisted homes (for both parents) or nursing homes (separate or together) may be the only viable options at this stage. And for the foreseeable future.
As Tisha said, the whole family needs to sit down and draw a list of roles of responsibilities, and a roster/calendar of "on call" duties (regular as well as back up support) to look after your parents.
This day and age, with the advancement of IT, you can keep each other updated and have "face time" via web cam. When your mother is well enough to use a computer and webccam, it will be easy to talk and see each other via cam.
Make sure that your boyfriend is kept updated on how you are doing, and how you are planning all this. It will give him an idea on how long he is to wait until you get things settled, and ready to make the arrangements to move to be closer to him. Perhaps, by then he will even propose that marry him! (That is, if you are in favor of that idea)
All the best to you! (hugs)
Cat
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 March 2009):
 Tisha gave great advice. I just would add that sometimes elderly people do listen, but, since their priorities are different, they choose what they want to do. I know the case of one person who was a very disciplined diabetic his entire life, but ate cupfuls of sugar once he knew he would be dying soon anyways. It seems to make no sense, but sugar had been a pleasure he had deprived himself of for decades, and he didn't want to go without tasting it again. That's what I mean for "different priorities".
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 March 2009):
Sorry to hear of your family medical situation and how it's affecting your plans. I understand a little of what you're going through, as I'm dealing with some family medical issues myself.
First of all, make sure you are taking care of YOU. Eat right, lay off the alcohol, exercise, exercise, exercise. I've become a huge fan of yoga because it helps me reach a calm state where I can figure out what I can do.
Second, let's examine your mother needing open heart surgery but refusing it. What kind of surgery, how long would her rehab be? It's a short-sighted decision, if by avoiding surgery, she shortens her life. I mean, if she's dead, she can't help your dad at all. Has she thought it through? There are short-term options for providing care to an Alzheimer's patient. I would strongly suggest that you get in touch with your state's council on aging. Often, there are a whole host of resources for the elderly. You just have to tap into them. Find out about those.
Third, if it is love, it will keep. You two have waited for a while, you can wait a little longer till you get these things sorted out.
Do you have any siblings, or are you an only child?
I want to smack your kids. Decide what kind of support you need from them, and then make it clear. A vague, "I need help!" call from you might not get the results you need right now. If you need moral support, be specific and ask for it.
And where are your friends? You let them know you need their moral support now too. I have learned that if you need help, and you ask for it, it will come! I've been overwhelmed with support from the people around me who know that I'm being a caregiver. So tell them as well as us.
Before giving in to vague feelings of despair and hopelessness, start looking at all your options, explore all the resources that are out there for your parents. Talk to your GP or their doctors to see what possible support the medical community has for them.
Another thing that I think is a good idea from now on, you have to go with your mother to her doctor's appointments. It's been my experience that some elderly people do not listen well to the doctor. They either hear only what they want to hear, or they don't understand what they are being told. So get clarification from your mother's doctor.
With respect to the Alzheimer's, does your dad live with your mom? At a certain point, they may need to be realistic about your mother's ability to provide care. Start looking at residential care options for him now, so that when the time comes, you're not up against a wall with few options. Again, the council on aging should have information on the resources available to him, your mom and you.
Start planning, you can do it. Get a big calendar, and plot things out. Is is possible for your boyfriend to make the move to you? Work through all the possible scenarios; if you can make some good decisions, you may feel better about the whole situation.
Hugs!
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reader, SoftlyCaress  +, writes (5 March 2009):
 Just hang in there things will get better and if your bf loves you with his whole heart it will work I out .I would think about going on with everything and as I saw that my mom or dad needed me more I would then either take a leave of absence and care for them or have them come stay with you. I know its hard to make a decision like that but I had to do it and it all worked out in the end .You have to remember your mom and dad have probably lived a full life and love you and want what is best for you as well as you do for them .So I would go ahead and leave my home on the market and talk with them about moving with you or even having someone come in and care for them .All the while when you are off or have free time or feel as they need YOU make sure You are there for them .Its ok to have a caregiver care for your loved ones so you can maintain as normal a life as you can .And you still be involved in their care plan..........
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