A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:In the dating pool since 8 months after ending a 5 year relationship (we broke up cause we were going different directions in life)... Prior to that I had very little experience with guys, so dating is kind of new to me... I'm a shy and quiet person (even to the point that some people may think I'm aloof and snobby), however if it clicks with the person and once I open up: I'm vibrant, sweet, talkative, funny, big hearted etc... It can maybe just take some time before getting to that stage and feeling comfortable with being myself (I used to have major social awkwardness + low self esteem issues, but now I am comfortable and accept being a discreet person by nature). In regards to physical attributes: I'm rather fit (bmi of 20 just to get an idea), petite, dress rather conservative (dark colours, no cleavage) and go for a natural look (no makeup except eyeliner but that's it). For some reason, I think I tend to attract guys that are insecure and/or control freaks and I want to break that cycle... The guys that do want to get to know me up to now and/or that I end up dating tend to display characteristics of being insecure/needy and/or control freaks. Either they don't want to leave me my space and would spend every minute of their time with me if they could (and continue to send me several messages through out the day if they can't see me) Or what I can't stand is that if I do something not cool (example if I'm being grouchy and say something mean) they will let it slide and not call me on it as they are afraid of losing me... It is an attitude I hate as I am looking for a partner/an equal in a relationship and not a doormat. On the Control freak side of things: up to one point a guy I was dating started to look into my phone, ask what I was doing and basically stalking me (I guess due to his insecurities). Another hasen't done anything off putting to me (we aren't dating but I can tell he is interested), but I can tell he gets easily stressed out if things don't go his way: if someone's late for an appointment or if people don't act a way he expected them to (such as in work).Is there a type of characteristic I have that maybe attracts guys like that?
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broke up, insecure, petite, self esteem, shy, stalking Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): One reason is you may be hypersensitive to people's faults, and feel you see flaws in almost all men. You're still a little edgy after your breakup; and still have a little post traumatic stress.Dating jitters and being judgmental is only symptomatic that it is too soon after the breakup; and you're not quite back to yourself. As you said, you have very little experience at dating. You may harbor a little resentment toward men right now. Gun-shy. That's self-preservation.I had a partner for several years; and went back to dating a year after he passed away. I have only been in a long-term relationship with one person for years. What do I know from dating? Until I realized a few things about myself. I was unable to figure out why I couldn't connect with anyone. People were asking me out, and trying to get close; but I kept up a shield, and found reasons to just get out of it. They were all strange and so unfamiliar to me. I wanted to feel at ease; but I couldn't. I was in unfamiliar territory.You are closing down your emotions, and men in general come across too needy or controlling. I felt exactly the same. I felt they always had some weird weakness; or were trying too hard to tell me what to do. It seemed I couldn't meet anyone who wasn't on anxiety medication, or weren't just looking for a hookup. I was totally convinced the world went crazy, and missed having a sane relationship to retreat to.It wasn't them. It was me. I just wasn't ready. I wasn't receptive to nicer people; because I was afraid of getting close and feeling loss all over again. So I kept finding ways to get out of it. Oh, I was right about them. They were weirdos; but no one could get close. I'm not perfect.As dating goes, they're only going through pretrials, or tryouts, like being picked for a team. Only the best make it. Everyone will not pass your criteria. You just enjoy each guy for his positive traits, not focus on his faults. Every guy is not cut out to be your boyfriend, or may not fulfill your expectations. It doesn't mean he's not a good guy. He's not the right guy for you.Sometimes you are too busy judging to really see people for who they really are. Your resentment has to subside first.You're still in the healing process. You may need more than 8 months to fully recover. You're setting the bar too high, by searching for flawlessness and perfection. A guarantee of undying love and endless happiness. Real life isn't like that. It's full of obstacles, mistakes, rewards, choices, failures, and success. That's what makes it worth living.I'm glad you're still trying. You still need the practice, and you have to make yourself available. You're too young to be so cynical. Can you guarantee you'll always be the perfect girlfriend or wife? That will not be based on your own biased opinion. It will be up to some guy to answer that question.Be fair and try to be kind. Don't hunt for a relationship.Seek and enjoy male-companionship; and people to share fun activities. Focus on their good points as well as the flaws.You have some emotional adjustments to make. You'll see men in a better light in time. Stay positive. It goes two ways. You're not perfect either.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (8 October 2013):
I don't think it is you. I think around this age bracket people have been through difficult experiences or inversely have not. Either way, they have adopted a bad habit of learning the wrong way from their past. I tend to be a happy person and I encounter girls who are very hateful to men or are just not "into relationships" due to their past. It has gotten to me at one point, but the trick is to just enjoy life and get to know these people as they come. Soon enough I believe a good person will come along. I don't know why people get so wound up and just have normal conversations when problems arise but I guess that's just how it is for now.
So same to you, just have some patience and keep true to your personality. You seem really pleasant and down to earth and you deserve such a similar person.
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