A
female
age
30-35,
*clipsed Love
writes:Dating Sites..Good or bad? I've got serious doubts on whether dating sites are a good way to meet anyone. I'm not the most outgoing of people and I'm trying to think of a way to get proactive in finding a relationship. (After all, I can't expect Mr. One to randomly show up on my doorstep...) However, I'm a little iffy on the online thing and was really hoping I could get some opinions. I can admit it's not easy to strike up a conversation with me on a whim face to face as I usually have my head in a book . or get pretty shy the first time around. so I need to find some new ideas. What would you suggest if it's not a dating site? Blind dates? Clubs?
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female
reader, Eclipsed Love +, writes (16 December 2011):
Eclipsed Love is verified as being by the original poster of the question Alrighty...for all those lovely souls that helped me out here...I have an update for you.
Things are looking well...Haven't really found anyone exciting, but I'm absolutely loving the fact that I've gotten myself out there and I didn't even have to give up my title as bibliophile. Thank you all so so much for all your suggestions. Only thing to do now is truck forward.
A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (8 December 2011):
 Have fun, be safe, and shoot us an update! :-)
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A
female
reader, Eclipsed Love +, writes (8 December 2011):
Eclipsed Love is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyuone for the opinions and suggestions, I'm definately going to try them.I'll keep in mind what you all said about bars and clubs, and I'll "test" the waters on this okcupid. Keeping in mind about the inlated truth and all.Truly, thank you all. Time to experiment ^.^
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): It took some time getting used to online dating, after coming from a 10 year marriage. That was 7 years ago.
I say that its definitely a learning experience.
I say the best thing is to make RULES of DATING now. A list of things that you look for in a partner. Are there some you would make an exception on?
For me, I an non smoking, non drinking, drug free, don't gamble, have no criminal record. I'm looking for the same who lives similar lifestyle.
Not keen on pornography. I like my men to be masters over their mind and bodies. This stance is unmoveable and has a lot to do with integrity and fidelity. Thanks!
Then I go into my personality. I'm honest, own great integrity, no confusion on what I want. Artistic, Creative, Goofy. Would be found at home snuggled on couch with book or with teens, spending family time together over a BAR. I'm caring but no push over either.
Then say if you want friends to start and if long term happens, so be it, but it will take time, work, honesty, and friendship for the long term. Lets have some wholesome fun.
Usually my first paragraph weeds out a lot of unwanted men because they KNOW they do not fit the bill.
I make sure I NEVER meet anyone in a bar. I also walk out as soon as a man drinks in front of me. He doesn't fit the bill now does he?
It took time to get to such a profile. YOu get your jerks that email you to argue with you or tell you you will be waiting a LONG TIME For a guy like that. But they don't know snot.
You have a lot to offer and never undersell yourself. Never settle for less than a man who shares similar standards and/or life goals.
The RIGHT MEN view your profile and say WOW, confident, intelligent, no games, no drama. I'd like to meet her.
Sending the right message about who you are. The young women who have countless photos of them in a bar, drinking, drunk, and minmally dressed usually have complaints in their profile of tired of being seen as a booty call or tired of being disrespected. *raise eyebrow*
Its not a great message, unfortunately its a double standard in the dating world. Men can be drinkers, partiers but not their women.
Photos of You outdoors, or doing what you like- have a friend take a photo of you laying on couch reading a book. It sends out a message you are intelligent and not a party girl.Even introverted. Introverted men appreciate such women. Nerdy, geeky is HOT!
So really, it comes down to MARKETING and KNOWING or having an idea what you want out of dating and then presentation.
Granted if you are an attractive young woman; thats going to generate interest regardless. Men are visual. ;)
Also read up on articles on HOW TO SPOT SERIAL CHEATERS, How to WEED OUT Charmers/Abusers. SIGNS he is not date worthy. Also trust your gut.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): Be careful with the free dating sites. I met some awful people on plenty of fish. I would advise you to avoid deep conversations too early because the guys may use it against you later. Example, I went on a horrible date and mentioned it to another prospect. The new guy began to constantly say he was different and got me to let my guard down. He invested a lot of time getting to know me. We decided to meet and it was great. I felt I could trust him. After a month, we had some drinks. I think he thought I was drunk be because he tried to get me to have sex with him. After that, he stopped all contact. I googled his screen name one day and turns out, he was using several free dating sites. You need to research these guys. Be careful what info you share, as with any guy you meet anywhere. Be careful with guys who pretend to be so caring too quickly. Since its online, you do a lot of emailing and texting. So, it's easier to feel comfortable and share personal stuff.
Don't date him girl website had some great tips for online dating. I wish I had read that first! I would definitely check that out.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 I have used dating sites on and off for nearly 3 years now, I met my last long term boyfriend on a dating site (match.com) and we were together 2 years. He was fantastic and we had a great relationship, yes it didnt work out but he was and still is a great guy.
I have recently met my current boyfriend on a dating site (plenty of fish) and he is also a great guy, it is still early days but we are getting on very well and are very happy.
The reason why I chose to use dating sites over traditional ways of meeting someone (bars/clubs etc) is because you get to find out information about someone up front and you can pick and choose who takes you interest before going any further. You can find out a lot about someone in a profile without wasting time going on dates in real life to only then find out you wouldnt be compatible.
I also have moved to an area where I dont know that many people, and my current boyfriend was also in the same situation - so it made sense because we dont go out that often there are not that many opportunities to meet people. Also I work very long hours, I have a very demanding job so my time for hobbies and going out to pubs/bars/clubs etc is very limited. So online dating is perfect, it gives me the chance to fit dating into my own schedule.
Yes there are some idiots on dating sites, there always will be. But there are also lots of great people, it just takes a while to find them.
There is no harm trying online dating - try a free website first to see what you think (although with the free sites they do have a higher concentration of idiots), if its not for you then so be it. But you never know who you might meet, and even if you dont go on the website that frequently you are at least maximising your chances of meeting someone.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (7 December 2011):
Dating sites are, just like you said, iffy. They take time, patience, and A LOT of sifting. I've had great success and met my current boyfriend, whom I've been dating for six months, through the site okcupid. It is totally free and has great messaging and matching engines. I promise I'm not a paid spokesperson! Haha :-) However, I had to go on a lot of dates with a lot of frogs to find the one good apple amongst the entire orchard.
I was like you: shy, not overly outgoing, but seeking to be proactive in dating. At first, when I was meeting jerks who would never call or were entirely too egotistical, I was taking a lot of it personally and to heart. I must stress that with online dating you have to keep it casual and realize the risk. Chances are many people you meet are going to have white lies on their profile. Many will over inflate themselves to look cool and more desirable. Some won't look as good as they did in their pictures. Many are just plain weird! Lots won't call and rejection is likely, but eventually you will find a few genuine people to develop friendships with and begin to casually date. Then you might find one who is worth a serious try! It just takes time and plenty of sifting.
I say try it for a few months. Write an honest profile that expresses who you are. I found that making my profile a little long usually weeded out who was actually reading my profile and was actually interested. I typically sat back and let others initiate the first messages; however, i sent the first message to my current boyfriend! So don't be too shy! Be safe and make sure to establish solid correspondence before meeting. I chatted usually for about a month before agreeing to a date. Meet in a public place and let someone know where you're going!
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (7 December 2011):
 IMO, dating sites are a mixed bag. I was on one for a while... match.com I think... anyway, the one thing that I thought was interesting was how everyone feels compelled to over-inflate the truth about themselves. From personal experience, I recall one person I met through the site commented to me later that everything I wrote about myself in my profile was true... and I later discovered nearly everything she wrote about herself was a lie.
Blind dates? ...not much success there. As far as clubs go... it's hard to meet somebody for anything other than a hook-up when there's a heavy bass beat booming through the air.
In a word, it's tough meeting people... but it's not impossible. Just know in your heart what your ideal mate is... their characteristics, interests, etc. Be prepared to compromise but only as far as you feel comfortable (height, weight, interests, lifestyle). But, as I said, stay true to you desires and don't compromise more than should. Also, it's a good idea to meet someplace generic first -- Starbuck's is a great choice -- cozy and public (for a little security).
Best wishes and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): Well I have seen and experienced bad things in every sort of way of dating. You met undesirable people everywhere online is no exception. I met a guy in real life who stole from me when I went to work and disappeared, he was supposed to be my boyfriend and I trusted him, but he was scum. I met my current boyfriend in a dating site, and I am happier than I have ever been. Mind you I met a lot of creeps on the dating site, but I just blocked them and refused to speak to them, I don't waste time with creeps. For some people it works and for other's it doesn't work. It depends on whether you can handle sorting through the creeps online to find the decent ones. I found blind dates to be very uncomfortable and nerve wracking. I was shy and it just didn't work for me. I don't find clubs a very good place for meeting guys if you want a relationship, because they are usually looking for a "hook-up". Of course there can be an exception to that, but generally not. It all depends on what your confortable doing. Usually though I find that I have found someone when I'm not looking at all. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (7 December 2011):
 This is actually a very good question and something that many people can benefit from.
If you're looking for an actual relationship, I say avoid the clubs and bar scene, anywhere there's going to be a lot of easily accessible alcohol. Don't put all your eggs into one basket...clubs and volunteering, outside anytime you're out of the house (even grocery shopping!) and even, yes, dating sites should all be venues you should be perusing rather than just concentrating on "one". I suggest going to dating sites that are specifically tailored to people who are looking for marriage/LTR's, like match.com, e-harmony, etc.
Make sure you have several well lit pictures of both your face and your body that are recent and flattering, and shots of things that you enjoy doing, candid shots of you playing with your pet, fishing, hiking, playing a sport...whatever it is that you enjoy. Make sure that your profile is concise and to the point without being brash and make sure it's stated very clearly that you are not there for NSA sex or short term flings.
Don't be afraid to pursue men that you find attractive. This isn't the 1920's, you CAN approach and SHOULD approach men that you're interested in. Don't wait for them to come to you...some men are shy but still worth getting to know. :-)
I also suggest that you go and get tested for a full panel of STDs and make sure that your birth control is up to date and you're always carrying condoms with you, in case you do meet someone you're interested in.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, synchrohobbit +, writes (7 December 2011):
 I think dating sites are one of the great advances the internet has provided us. You can meet people who are very good matches for you that you never otherwise would have contact with, even if they are right in your area. I honestly think meeting someone online is less sketchy than at a bar or nightclub; there is no obscured judgement and you have some basic information about the person before you even begin. On the other hand dating sites can have many people that you would never want to date, and their attention may be annoying. You are also able to talk to the person online or on the phone before hand so you will be less shy when you meet them. Some sites, like match.com and eharmony.com, are more serious, but okcupid is a great place to start to look and casually date.
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