A
male
age
30-35,
*ank Donoham
writes:i met this girl a few months ago. we started having sex before we even had our first date. it started off as me just useing her to try to fill this emptiness i had inside from when my real love left me. the thing about her is that im 100 percent sure that well never be together again so i tryed moving on. i thought if i could fall in love with another girl i could forget about her. so i bacically used this girl to get over my ex and caused her to fall in love with me. shes a great and beautiful girl and since she loved me so much i tryed convincing myself that i loved her as well, and it worked for a while. i got her pregnant, and i felt happy. but eventually i started realizing, no matter how hard i try, i cant love her like she loves me.i was mixed up in the wrong croud and it was breaking my parents and her heart. i had the kind of friends that you cant just stop hanging out with when you didnt wanna be there friends. my parents told me they would help me go to collage and help me with my living expences if i moved away and stoped talking to them. i was olny a couple hours away so i agreed. i moved, started going back to school and im looking for a job so my pregnant girlfriend could move back in with meas time is going by, i keep convincing myself that my words are sincere when i tell her "i love you too" or even "i miss you too" when inside my feelings just arent there for this girl. we argue too much, we never see eye to eye on anthing. i know i should have seen this before and eneded it. she really wants to come move back with me but now i dont even know if i want her to move back with me. the only thing that keeps me attached to her is that shes having my child. i dont know what to do. do you think theres a way i could truely fall inlove with her. i really do want my child to have a mother and a father that are married to eachother and love eachother. so how do you make not meant to be, meant to be??? someone help me plz. someone thats been in this situation before.
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female
reader, AuntDaisy  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 Hey,
I understand completely where you're coming from. However you have made some mistakes and need to face up to it.
First of all, you mentioned that you only really got with this girl because of the previous girl you truely loved left you. We all do crazy stuff when we're heartbroken, and will do anything to try and make it stop hurting. But you can't expect to get over someone just by falling in love with someone else. You have to do a lot of the work by yourself.
You clearly don't love her and never have. I think you care for her as the mother of your child but nothing more.
Let's be realistic, if you don't love her now, when she's stuck by you through your dark time and had your child, you're not going to love her. You can't force yourself to love someone. Thats not what love is. You've been in love before and you can recognise what it is. If you'd have even felt anything like it you wouldn't be on here and asking us if you should wait a little longer?
You need to be honest with her. She deserves the truth. Also you need to think of your kid. Its not fair for your child for you to lie about this. She deserves for you to sit her down and be straight to her. Maybe not tell her that you actually just used her for sex, but just be honest and say look, i don't love you like that. You have to be honest with her like you've been honest with us.
It sounds like you've got a fantastic support network in the shape of your parents. Maybe ask them for their advice, as they know her etc.
Your main priority is your child. You two need to come to an arrangement where you can be parents but not a couple. And you have to learn to differentiate the two.
Good Luck, and any other problems then we are here :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): so you don't love her, and you know it. You've tried but you just can't conjure up feelings for her. This is not wrong or bad or a failure, it's just what it is. Not everyone is meant to be with everyone else.
So you get married anyway because you have a baby together and you think it's the right thing to do. Fair enough. for now. But think about the long term consequences of marrying someone you don't love. As long as you're with your girlfriend/wife, you can't ethically be with any other woman. So this is why it's very important that you're in love with the person you marry, since this is the only person you'll be allowed to be "with" once you make that choice.
otherwise, what happens if, further down the road, you do meet a new woman that you fall in love with?? You won't be able to do anything about that because you're already committed in marriage to someone else (whom you don't love). that will be a really terrible situation. You will spend the rest of your life bitter and grow in resentment toward your wife for being an obstacle to you having a normal life. This will be unfair to your wife too, to have a husband being bitter towards her.
If you then decide to leave your wife so you can lead a normal life and experience real love like everyone else, you will be painted the bad guy and disloyal for having left your marriage when someone new came along but was fine to keep your wife around up until then. This will be even worse because you have a child together so the pressure to stay in your marriage will be extremely high. At least if you break up with her now, and not even get married, you are not doing it in a "I'm replacing you now that I found someone better" mentality so that makes it less awful for her, less awful for your child, and makes you not look as bad, I think. You will still support your child financially and spend time with him to build a relationship with him, but as an individual parent separate from your child's mother.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): have you told your girlfriend how you truly feel about her, like what you've written in this post? If not, I think you should do that because she has a right to know the truth about how little you feel for her so she can make decisions for her own life too. This is not just your personal guilt-management problem. This is her problem as well even if she doesn't know it yet because she has to be interacting with you and sharing a big part of her life with you (unless you break up).
She deserves to be with someone who will love her sincerely and is her soul-mate and will make her happy, not someone who is just keeping her around to fulfill his own personal fantasy of having the "perfect" traditional intact nuclear family but who doesn't love her.
Yes you made a big mistake in using her for your selfish means, lying to her about your feelings and intentions and getting her pregnant. You may think you're now atoning for that mistake by having now the noble goal to marry her so your kid will have both parents under the same roof like a normal family. But this picture lacks one all-important factor that a real healthy normal family has, which is a deep abiding love between the parents. If you don't have it, then you're creating a dysfunctional family and a web of lies for your kid to live in. You may be trying to "do right" now by marrying your gf but since it's done without love it's actually being dishonest and thereby perpetuating the mess you created rather than solving it. Instead of atoning for your past mistake of using this poor girl and getting her pregnant, you're just adding more and more mistakes and lies on top of it. I'm not saying this to criticize you because I think you have good intentions now, but to point out what I see as misguided thinking.
I think you should tell your girlfriend the plain truth about your lack of feelings and then both of you decide what to do about your relationship. If you want to get married without love, then OK go ahead but make sure she knows this and it's what she wants too.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 Difficult situation. I've never been on it, and I trust I never will.
Some people would say that you should marry the girl and try hard to love her. If she's good, and chances are she is, then that could happen. But sometimes you don't fall in love with good people, no matter how good they are, so I wouldn't put my hopes on eventually falling for someone who I don't love right now. It is hoping that familiarity will not breed contempt, as the saying goes, but love.
That said, it has happened. I have a friend who eventually left the girl, and another friend who stayed with her.
I speak like this seeing the problem from your side. I also want to look at it from her perspective. She's in love, she will have a baby, she is young as well (this I assume), so she really wants you there and your support. I think it would not be honest or good to her, however, if you were to tell her you love her just for the sake of "trying". She has a right to build her life on truth.
There is no question that you have to be there for her and support her. You also have to take responsibility for the baby. You know, actions have consequences and this one consequence you can't avoid. It's not like you can say "Hey, this was a mistake, so, Baby, don't expect me to be around". No matter how young you are, you have to be there for both of them in this sense.
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