A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:She told she is not ready for relationship, I've been dating her for nine months.Now and all of the sudden this happens. What do i do ? Do i wait ? We headed off since we first met everything was good we had great conversations we went out to dinner we had so many things in common I met her family she met my family and everything was beautiful and we had a wonderful relationship for the past nine months is been together we went on a trip to Rhode Island went to a few places. Then all of a sudden I get something from her saying that she needs to talk she tells me that she doesn't know what she wants because she's confused. She said to me she thought that she was ready for relationship but she is not. I am 29 she is 24 I don't know if maybe she's too young and she still wants to experience life she had a hard time growing up she had a disease that made her get seizures . She looks lovely and she got ready to be going out with her friends. From the first have known her you like a queen and give everything that I can give her in my last time I paid for everything I've done everything and she said to me that she loved me and she gave me letter saying they the best game ever had and that I ever want to lose you and I hope I can spend some more holidays with you we spent all the holidays together and I still don't understand why she just turned around and said she's not ready for relationship can someone help me out? ... I had so many plans for us I've had things all catered to her and I feel like at first things for all the seven months eight months we've been going out she's had mutual feelings and all of a sudden she just comes out this saying that she doesn't know she's ready for relationship and she needs to go out there in the world and experience life. I just need help to understand the situation I'm been trying to explain it done but I just haven't gotten any answers I don't know if I stick around away from her haven't spoken to her because I just feel like you to come keep things but she still feels the same way about being confused about being in a relationship with me she has been going out with her girlfriends but I think that she still cares for me a lot; because she says it should have said it before as we texted after we broke up but she still thinks that she needs to make to decision not be with me . What do I doshe put a picture up of me and my friends just hanging out a couple of girlfriends and she got really mad and texted me I think she still cares about me but I just think I don't know what to do should I wait should I do?
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male
reader, LuvHurts +, writes (25 June 2014):
i am glad you were able to make a decision already but i would like to chime in a bit. i can share 2 experiences where i have heard of a girl backing out of "what seems to be a good relationship".1. the girl really enjoyed what the guy has to offer. he was a real gentleman and picked up all of her tabs. most girls do enjoy being treated like a queen and pampered. problem is, this girl never really LOVED this guy, she just enjoyed the company and the treatment she received. she finally felt guilty and decides to break it off with the guy. ofcourse, she didn't tell him that she never LOVED him. 2. believe it or not the girl cheated on the nice guy and didn't have the guts to admit it. therefore, she told him she is not ready for a relationship. being hurt happens in every FAILED relationships. it is difficult but we need to deal with it bro. i am here with you. you will find someone one day who will love you the same if not deeper. i hope i did. when you find the right person it will still need 2 peoples effort to reach a "happy ending". in nature, there are 4 seasons in a year. Best of Luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): Thank you everyone for the help and opinions , i have chosen to let go and start over ......i just have upset myself too much and caused myself a lot of unessisary pain . I learned something from all of this and that is to not put all my eggs in one basket for the next time , I still believe in love and hope to one day meet the woman who can be compatible with me in all aspects , in the meantime i will enjoy my life and continue to be myself . I shouldent have to change for anyone , i am a person who is loyal and loves deeply and i will not change that . Someone someday will appreciate me for who i am , i have faith in that . Thanks again everyone for the help and comments.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): I'm going to address this from a different angle from the other aunt and uncle. I think I might have a logical answer to your question, or at least give you something to think about.
There are times you'll meet people who appear to be the perfect match. You get along well, you have lots in-common, you think a lot alike, and you have the greatest sex and chemistry. You make plans together, and it's almost natural that a seemingly happy couple would look forward to the future.
People say lovely things when they're caught up in a romantic moment. It's appropriate. It's what they feel during a moment of euphoria. They are overtaken with
serotonin and oxytocin. Overwhelmed with pheromones and
endorphins. They're on a hormone high.
Good wine, a lovely dinner, a romantic sunset, and all the elements for a fine date will make a young woman swoon and say a lot of wonderful things. She means everything she says at that moment in time. You are taking all this so seriously. You're now allowing your feelings to grow and your mindset is for the long-term. You have to learn to get a grip on how your emotions flow. They can get out of hand.
I was in a similar relationship myself last year. I was dating someone who loved to vacation, he had plenty of cash to spend, and we just lived it up. We never had an argument, we laughed all the time, bought each other expensive gifts, and the sex was phenomenal. He suddenly got weird. Starting doing things out on his own. I never took issue with that. I have a great life. I discovered a few odd things, but quickly dismissed them. He decides it's the end of it. It was the best ten months of my life.
Here's what I learned from my experience. There are relationships only meant to last a short-time. They have an expiration-date. That expiration-date can be accelerated; if the person who ends the relationship feels things are getting too serious.
Some people enjoy having a romance. That is what the get out of the relationship. Enjoying the sex, your company, and all the benefits a real relationship has to offer. What they don't want is a "long-term" relationship.
They know if they don't pretend that their in it for the long-haul; they won't get a full-fledged commitment. They want you to be monogamous, and focus all your attention on only them. No one else. So, if you're the romantic-type; you're just what she's looking for. Dining out, good sex, kissing and cuddling, celebrating birthdays. All the good stuff that a real relationship has to offer. There is a clock ticking in the back of her mind.
These are not bad people. They like to spend their time with different people, in a series of short-lived relationships. They like all the good stuff committed-relationships offer. They want someone to date on a regular and steady basis. They want to be called and messaged, and they don't want lonely weekends or nights.
Then they decide they want to move on. That does not make them bad people. That's how they roll. They aren't going to tell you that's how they roll; because you wouldn't commit for the length of time they need you. They want you around until they get itchy feet. They're used to being the person who ends the relationship. The more fun and excitement they get out of the relationship, the longer they'll be around.
If you start to lay on too much emotion; that makes them feel smothered. Nervous. That's not the plan. They don't want to marry you, you're getting weird and too serious. You want far more than they bargained for.
They were never as attached to you, as you are to them. They just aren't mentally put together that way. When they find the person they really want, that's when they will stay for good.
They try out different relationships with a variety of personality-types. They are exploring their feelings, gaining experience, and enjoying life. Some are exploiters, players, and just using people. That is why you have to take your time and only give a little of your heart
in small doses, in all relationships. Grow slowly and you both remain on the same page; then you're not left totally crushed, because you're caught totally off-guard. Some people just fall in-love too easily and too quickly. Or so, they think they're in-love. That's why such surprises are so emotionally devastating. They're to blame when they get disappointed, not their partners. They got ahead of it all.
Don't be paranoid or insecure. Don't let this experience make you distrusting. Just slow your roll. Allow nature to take its course. Flowers grow slowly, weeds grow fast. Don't rush intense emotions in at full-force; and don't label women your "future wife," just because you get along really great. Keep it all in reasonable perspective.
Keep it on realistic terms of being great for the moment; and always getting better. That allows your mind to stay in the right place, and people can't crush your feelings by surprise. Don't get ahead of things. Stay on the same page.
You were not the one.
What I took from my brief and wonderful relationship is this. Give a little of yourself at a time. Be mindful of how much your partner reciprocates.
If you immerse too much of yourself at the beginning, you're likely to get ahead of your partner. The point is, to try to stay on the same emotional-level. Don't work too hard to win them over. Let them come of their own free will.
If that takes time, be patient. Enjoy it as it comes to you.
They don't always know how they feel about you in the very beginning. This is something that sometimes happens over-time, it isn't always immediate. Even when in your mind it seems it's all perfect and moving in the right direction. You can't read their minds, so you have to take your time.
Don't plan your future on their words, but judge by their actions. Live by the moment, as they wisely do. If a relationship is meant to last, it will. You live in the present and look forward to the future; but don't look too far. You can only live and be in the present; and that keeps you grounded. It might be premature planning your European vacation for next year. Maybe allow the relationship to reach a full year in existence, and up your
plans as time moves on.
I now enjoy dating for the company, and I date for fun. I enjoy whatever we exchange between us with no pressure or fear. I gauge my feelings according to what I receive, and enjoy what I have day to day with that person. I no longer approach my romantic life with urgency or heavy expectations. I am deliberate, optimistic, and positive.
The feedback has been great thus far. I've been dating someone for almost four months, and it is running smoothly. I'm not anxious. I left my old relationship in the past; but I also learned something from it.
My ex taught me how to live for the moment, and appreciate short-term relationships. It doesn't mean I can't look forward to the long-term, nor does it mean I have to always let the other person make that decision. My point is, don't presume the relationship is going to be extended and long-term just because you want it to be.
Keeping yourself in the present, keeps your mind from getting too far ahead; and you'll realize sometimes you're just dating. That might be as far as it goes. You're not going to marry that person. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Just commit as much as your connection needs it at that time. When it's the right person, things fall into place effortlessly. You don't have to push it. If you have to push it, you're rushing.
Let her go. Let her enjoy being a girl, and continue enjoying romance. Your heart is broken, but it will heal. Mine did. I'm not bitter or broken. Just wiser.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 June 2014):
 No, don't wait. So she wants to be free, but she would not mind to keep you around as a provider of all expenses paid vacations ? Nice try. Not very flattering or convenient for you, though.
Look, eventually it all boils down to monogamy. What basically she is saying, is that she does not want your penis to be the last one she ever tries out- or the only one at present. For the rest, it does not sound like being in a relationship would prevent her from having / doing / being anything that she wants ( except perhaps if she means to travel the world for a couple of years ).
Otherwise, you don't ( at least you don't say it ) want to prevent her to work, or to pursue a career . You do not want her in your kitchen, barefoot and pregnant every year. You do not stop her from going out with her friends and having hobbies and personal interests. You don't even live together, you haven't asked her to cook and clean for you, to assist your old parents, to help you with your work, or to give you all her savings so that you can buy a house together. You do not tie her ( at least you don't say ) to any particular schedule, responsibility, obligation etc... All that a relationship entails now , for her, is to actually live her life and , at the same time, go out and have good times with you, which should not be such a sacrifice. The only thing that she has to sacrifice now is her freedom with other men- the freedom to go out and flirt and attract someone else , and make other sexual experiences, and , ultimately, see if she is lucky and can " do better " than you in terms of a relationship.
Not that this is wrong for a 24 y.o, there's nothing wrong if she does not feel you are "the one " so it is pointless to limit herself , when she could find someone " better " ( better for her, not in absolute ).. In fact, kudoos to her for having asked back her freedom, and given you back yours, BEFORE exploring her options.
What I don't like here is the assumption that you would make a great plan B: No relationship,... but maybe a vacation ?... And, no relationship, but she gets pissed off when you see your pics out having fun with female friends- she does not want your attention to be distracted from her so soon, because, you never know, she prefers you stay focused on her.
Eh no dearie, sayz I. Either in, or out. If she does not feel ready for a relationship in general, or, more probably, does not want to have one with you, fine, her choice, everybody has the right to seek what makes them happy, and what's best for them. But- they've got to get the guts to work without a net, though.
She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too, - an official break up , AND the chance to maintain a warm, intimate , close relationship with you when SHE sees fit.
I understand how the position of the one who waits hopeful in the wings now may be a very tempting one for you... but it's also an humiliating one, and a person who really cared about you would not even WISH to put you in such position. Your ex may be more selfish than you deemed her.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 June 2014):
More than likely she's realized that you're not 'the one'. It can take awhile for people to realize that, but when they do its more or less over.
It's possible that you're just incompatible. It's also possible that she really likes you but doesn't see a future with you... Are you financially stable? Are you thoughtful, romantic, caring, understanding, etc? Maybe these are traits she wants and you are missing.
Some of them are hard to change, but others can help make you a better person who just so happens to be more attractive to the opposite sex.
Don't mold yourself to fit a woman, just be yourself and attract a woman who likes the real you.
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A
male
reader, wise-guy  +, writes (24 June 2014):
Hey buddy, I feel your pain. I think most of us will have been in this situation at some point. The problem is you can't force her into a relationship (not that you'd want to of course, you just love her to pieces, right?) Look, I've been in this situation too and I know it's the most confusing and annoying feeling in the whole world - especially when things have been going so well etc. Firstly, don't panic - DO NOT do the typical thing of begging or pleading with her, don't overload her phone with texts and calls asking for her attention. It ain't really gunna help too much. Give her some space - You don't have to do the whole 'no contact' rule if you feel you really can't BUT if you are going to talk to her keep it simple, don't go over old ground. Just talk to her as you would anyone else. If she doesn't reply straight away don't worry and don't text her in a rage asking why she it ignoring you. You don't need to rush things at this point. From the sounds of it this girl really does like you (so at least you have that on your side) plus you didn't end things on an argument so you have a lot to work with here. Take your time and be patient with her. If you do love this girl just respect her words and don't fall out with her - keep on good terms. Maybe she just doesn't know if she's ready to settle in a relationship (she's 24) BUT remember this doesn't mean she is now going to forget you and just go sleeping with every guy she comes across - She wont forget you and I think when things have slowed down a bit and you get back on track on good talking terms and not being too heavy she will warm to you once more. The two of you have been very close and clearly you care for this girl, and of course I assume she cares for you too. I don't think this is the end of the line for you guys at all. Maybe she just wants to decide what she wants to do and take things slower. Just be there for her and show her you are still around. Good luck with whatever happens!
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