A
male
age
51-59,
*M1971
writes:My girlfriend and I, both in our 40's, have been together for over 2 years, and have 6 kids in total. Like any relationship we've had our ups and downs and I'm happy to say however that the good have definitely out weighed the bad. One of the stresses in our lives has been in regards to the custody battle my gf has been waging for her youngest daughter. For the last 3-4 years, she has only had part time access - every other weekend but now thankfully through intervention of lawyers, we are now on an 'on one week- off one week' share with her ex. Since this new arrangement took effect its been great. Having her youngest around more has been a great lift to the household. Even better is the fact that her youngest and my youngest get along famously regardless of a 3.5 year age difference. They play great together and her youngest has become a great big sister to my little one. We were doing all we could to enjoy the new family atmosphere before her daughter went to spend summer vacation at her grandmother's. All was great until last week, when out of the blue my gf - while on her way to work - sent me a text saying that even though she knows she's being petty, she would appreciate it if my little girl didn't come over while her daughter was home with us leading up to her summer trip. She felt that my daughter took away from her time with her daughter. I was floored. We spoke about it during that day and I told her I would abide by her wishes, but the stress of the situation had already settled. It was a tense week but we managed to get through it. This morning she informed me that her daughter would be spending every other weekend with us then spending the rest of the week with her grandmother. She then proceeded to once again say that she doesn't want my daughter around on those days. Any other day she is welcome though. I'm not sure how to handle this as it's really upset me. I thought we were working towards a blended family, not a segregated one. Not sure what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): We are a blended family in your situation, my hb is trying to forage a relationship with his 2 kids who've been poisoned thanks to there mother who sees me as the reason there dad isn't living with them.Because I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and a child with my hb our house can seem quite strange for his kids and so we decided when they come over we see them, maybe have lunch together then I take my kids to friends or family and allow my hb to have QT with the kids, we come back at bed time and have a nice hot chocolate and a little chat before we put them down, then they go home the next feeling that they haven't had to share there dad, and maybe your partner feels she has to share herself as mum and stepmum to the girls..... Suggest a arrangement like we have, if she disagrees then maybe you need to rethink cause no kid is more important than another
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 June 2014):
 When I read this I was actually so upset for YOUR daughter that I didn't reply at first.
It's BULLSHIT.
If she wants to spend time 1-on-1 (which I might add, is fine)SHE can take her daughter,leave the house and DO things with her. But to WANT to "banish" (I can find no better expression) YOUR daughter so HERS can be the center of attention is just NOT OK.
I agree with ANON Female who said you NEED to put YOUR daughter first. YOUr GF should not have a "higher" priority and her wishes to EXCLUDE your child should not be OK.
SHE (your GF) should infact be OVERJOYED that her child and your child mesh so well. But I think your GF is jealous of your youngest daughter, because HER child would rather be with your daughter then her mom.
So the problem is, that your GF feels her daughter doesn't NEED her anymore. And she is taking THAT out on YOUR daughter. SO SO not cool.
I would sit her down (after the kids are in bed or away ) and talk this through. ASK her how she would feel if she was DENIED having HER daughter there so YOU could spend more time with yours. SHOW her she is wrong. TALK this through.
SHE needs to realize what she is doing is detrimental not only to YOUR daughter, but to hers and to the family as a whole.
If she can't see that..... what is there to build on?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): Let me just start by saying, bullshit.Your girlfriend has no right to dictate when your daughter can and can't be around you or in your house, regardless of her "reasons". She sounds like a selfish bitch. Not wanting your daughter to take away from her time with her daughter? Really? And you agreed? I would have ended it immediately if my husband even asked me that. That's telling your daughter that she isn't as important to you as your girlfriend or her daughter is. My dad did the same thing to my youngest brother and sisters because his girlfriend doesn't like children. Well guess what, tough, especially when you have seven children. Tell your girlfriend that it is unthinkable for her to think it's okay to ask this of you, let alone actually ask you. I'm actually speechless right now. She is being petty and selfish and jealous of a small child's relationship with her father. If she needs that much alone time with her daughter that you can't have your daughter around, then she can take her out on the town that day. If my husband and I break up and his girlfriend were to ask this of him, i would fully and unfailing know that he would kick her ass to the curb. No questions asked. That would have been the end for him.Fix this. No one should ever take precedence over your children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): This is a situation where I can understand both parties points of view but I must agree with the other aunties and uncles in saying that I think you're partners request is unfair.
Your partner has obviously missed out on a lot with her daughter and is desparate for some one-on-one time with her to do some rebonding. This isn't possible when her daughter and yours are always playing together. It means her daughters attentions are focused on playing with her step sister than spending one-on-one time with her Mum.
On the other hand, it's totally unacceptable for your partner to expect you to upset your daughter's routine to favour her daughter. Your daughter is the younger one and she will not understand the reason for the change or the reason why she's no longer allowed to interact with her step-sister. She'll think it's because step-mum and step-sister (and you) don't LIKE her or that she's done something wrong. She will feel totally rejected.
I can only suggest you try to compromise by working out a way of letting your partner have some quality one-on-one time with her daughter but without totally disrupting your little one's routine. Perhaps one of you take your own daughter out for the day (while the other one stays home with theirs)so that each kid has special time spent just with their own parent. The second day you could switch over and the other one goes out for the day. Most kids enjoy one-on-one time with their parents and it's a lot easier to say to your kid "We're doing this because I like spending time with you" rather than giving them the impression that she's not wanted.
You could also suggest having one night when your daughter stays elsewhere so your partner has one evening where she gets to go through the bed-time routine with her daughter (and her daughter alone)
I hope you work something out.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 June 2014):
 DEALBREAKER!
This proposal is not the way forward to a blended family, if you go along with this favouring her daughter over yours, how do you think your daughter is going to feel, and, if you do agree to this outrageous suggestion, think of what a total prick you are going to feel a few years down the track when your relationship with your daughter has degenerated as a result of choices, whether real or seeming, made.
I hate to say this but I think your relationship is kaput!
Why? Because you need to say no and I don't think that will be acceptable to your girlfriend as an answer.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): Your girlfriend is trying to establish her daughter as a higher priority in your home than your daughter. It is very selfish and I would not put up with this behavior. I fear this could escalate if you allow this to happen. It also seems like she's jealous of the attention your daughter gets.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 June 2014):
I see where she's coming from. I have two young kids and on occasion I like to hang out with them individually so that we can be a little closer than if their sister was also there.
HOWEVER, your gf is telling you she wants a permanent arrangement that favors her. Not her child, not yours or you, but HER. To me you need to draw a line in the sand and tell her that on occasion you're okay with this and you understand, but you this isn't going to happen every time as both of your daughters like each other and enjoy each others company, and splitting them apart wouldn't be fair for anyone.
To me her acceptance of this should be a deal breaker for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): Put YOUR Daughter FIRST in what ever YOU decide. Do not put your G/f or your g/f's daughter as a priority, put your daughters best interests FIRST, that is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. A relationship with a woman who is not your daughter's mother, must NEVER EVER have any priority over your daughter or your relationship with your daughter.I suggest that if you agree to this, there will be more demands in the future.Find out EXACTLY what your g/fs objections are, what the real problem is, and work around that. Your gf can give all her attention to her daughter when she is there, but she CAN NOT request YOU TO at the expense of your daughter.I would end a relationship for the sake of my children. I have told my children all along if they don't like the person I am seeing I would end it. Their time with me was short, and I wanted them to feel secure, safe and happy in their home for the short time I had them with me. Put your daughter's needs and security first. Second, put the valuable time you have with your kids a priority. Don't lose that for anyone.Having said that, the request of your g/f is unreasonable and unfair IMO. Not unusual though, sadly.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 June 2014):
 "cowsattack" is correct. Your "G/F" is trying to arrange a "pecking order" that puts her girl at the top.... and Hell-be-damned where your's (daughter) falls in that order.
YOU, Sir, have to make an important decision..... are you willing to let your "G/F" screw up what was, otherwise, a pretty good relationship? ... or, are you going to be a MAN and tell her that she's mis-behaving and needs to adjust her thinking?
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (24 June 2014):
Um, this is not acceptable. By agreeing with this you are placing lower value on your own daughter than on hers. You are telling your own daughter indirectly that she isn't as important. I'm very sorry, but this is a vile, vile thing for your girlfriend to pull, and it would make me question her whole character and end the relationship. And I wouldn't accept it for an instant.
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