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female
age
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*06aprilcakes
writes:I need advice from people I don't know. My daughter is 19, and will be 20 in March. She dated a guy more her age, but he didn't treat her like a man should. She met another guy that is 31, will be 32 in September. This guy has teated her so good. What is bad is I really like him, but I am having mixed emotions due to the age difference. He has been married and has a 6 year old daughter. He divorced his first wife due to her sleeping with his cousin. This guy is so polite, has manners, good job, and shows how much he cares for my daughter. My daughter is in college, and working. She has been raised in a strict environment. I just don't know how to handle this. I want my daughter happy, but I am stuggling with this new found relationship. Any advice will be taken into consideration. Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): Age is just a silly way to categorize people and put them into boxes. The bigger picture in life, I believe are the simple things : happiness. Joy. Love. Respect. If your daughter has found this it doesn't matter his race, age, divorice status, etc. I am 30, dating a wonderful amazing man who is 50. My parents have always supported this bc they trust that I know what makes me happy. Don't cause unneeded tension for your daughter. Share her happiness!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Hello concerned mother: I, like your daughter am a young 20-year-old dating a man who is 10 years older than me. From someone's perspective that is IN your daughter's situation, but isn't your daughter - just love her and embrace the situation. My parents have really been receptive to my boyfriend and it's truly a dream. Like your story, my boyfriend treats me better than any guy ever has. That's what's important. You say he is sweet, polite, treats her well - and those are the important things. I think an older man can be intimidating for parents, but if anything let it be a comfort. When dating a man that much older sometimes it's like having a third person watching over you. If you're daughter is like me - then she's probably a little mature for her own age anyway, and dating an man that acually knows what he wants and how she can be successful too is a perfect situation. I wish you the best of luck :-)!
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female
reader, JGSM  +, writes (5 September 2009):
 Hey! I think that you should just accept it, and let your daughter make her own choices, she is an adult and she will take responsibilities for her actions and she will learn from them. You said that the other guy close to her age treated her bad, yeah I can understand that.. because 19 year old guys are not mature enough.. many of them just aren't. I mean 31 year old... yes, it is not that bad, yes it's a different story because he has been married and have a child.. to be involved with someone who has a child is taking a big step. But like you said he is very kind and polite and you even like him. So give them a shot, your daughter is very young.. she will probably not be together with him forever, but she will get experiences from a relationship with a good man. And he treats her right! So doesn't that answer your question? You can't do anything else but give her advices and let her do her own choices, and if it ends between them you are there to comfort her and help her get back on her feet, you are her mother.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): As somebody who dated a 37 year old when I was 18, I can tell you that there's probably nothing you can do or say to her that will change her mind. Alas, she's old enough to decide who she wants to be with. Luckily he's a nice guy. :)Since I was one of those girls who liked older men, I can say now, as an almost-50 year old, that I think it's a really bad idea to get involved with someone so much older. Especially for young women, since the power dynamic is often skewed in favour of the man. I don't think anyone plans this, it just is the way it is. I look back with nostalgia at 20 year olds hanging out with friends their own age and having fun. I wish I'd tried harder to do that, but no, I had to go for the older men! ;)The best thing you can do is remain supportive of your daughter, while being kind to her older guy. If it doesn't turn out, she'll have learned from her mistakes. Sometimes it's the only way we can learn!
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female
reader, 706aprilcakes +, writes (27 August 2009):
706aprilcakes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank you all for your response! Like I said, this is very difficult for me because I want what is best for my daughter! I just don't want her to get into something she will regret later. This guy has treated her so good, but he is still so much older than her. He has been to my house and even called for my permission. I know right now my daughter is enjoying every bit of attention he is showing her, but I just pray it is for all the right reasons! I will be checking daily for new updates. I also am letting my daughter read all the comments, so she can hear other peoples opinion.
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A
female
reader, 706aprilcakes +, writes (27 August 2009):
706aprilcakes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank you all for your response! Like I said, this is very difficult for me because I want what is best for my daughter! I just don't want her to get into something she will regret later. This guy has treated her so good, but he is still so much older than her. He has been to my house and even called for my permission. I know right now my daughter is enjoying every bit of attention he is showing her, but I just pray it is for all the right reasons! I will be checking daily for new updates. I also am letting my daughter read all the comments, so she can hear other peoples opinion.
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male
reader, Trans Am Man +, writes (26 August 2009):
 It could be much worse. My sister was 15 when she started dating this 28 year old. Now she is 21 and he is 33, he is a contractor but is dumb as shit. They live with his mom, she pays all the bills. he sit around and plays video games and has a temper. he also has a 9 year old daughter. He buys the dumbest things with his money, He bought a $1500 bicycle then a $6000 bycycle and the other one rots now then he bought my sister a $4000 bike, and he has about $1200 in a toy car. I mean don't get me wrong i like the guy but he's just not too bright, so just think it could be worse
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): well. i dont see the harm as long as he treats her as a woomen should be treated. (ie respects her mind body and soul) if he does all that and takes care of her the way he says he's going to and the way she should be then really theres not any reason to worry. just keep an eye on him and check up on your daughter every now and again. but keep in mind that she is an sdult and all you can give her is advice. tell her your opinion and leave it at that. respect the fact that she is an adult and she will most likely respond better.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (26 August 2009):
 Well she is technically an adult and she is legal, so really in the eyes of the law there is nothing wrong with this. If he treats her right and makes her happy, then really there is no problem.
I know it is a large age gap and as a mother it must be hard to come to terms with a "man" dating your daughter who is still a child in your eyes but if you have brought her up well (which by the sounds of things you have) then I am sure she is sensible enough to handle this situation by herself. I once dated a 21 year old when I was 16 (my mum was not please about that!) and at first a lot of people had a hard time coming to terms with it but eventually they all realised we made each other happy and we loved each other. In the end my family loved this guy and thought the world of him, and there was never any issue for them about his age. The only issue I ended up having was that he wanted to move in together, talk about marriage etc and I was just not ready for that so I ended it.
So I think as long as he seems like a good man then you need to leave your daughter to get on with it. She has to learn about relationships herself, she needs to make her own mistakes and if you try and stop her seeing him she will only resent you. Be the supportive mother who makes an effort to get to know the boyfriend, and if they are happy well be happy for them. And if things do go wrong down the line, then you will be there to comfort her.
But if you kick up a fuss about this - even if things go wrong she will never come to you again because she will blame you for not making him feel welcome (or something to that extent). You will have to try and put your discomfort aside, get to know him better (which should reassure you a little) and be supportive of their relationship.
I'm sure her happiness is paramount to you and if this guy makes her happy then so be it. Age is just a number, and finding someone who treats you right is pretty special. So let her live her life and keep your fingers crossed that he continues to treat her well for the foreseeable future.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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