A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know this is shallow but I can only get myself to put in an effort with a guy if I find him good looking..I'm in a relationship with this guy for 4 months,I don't find him all that attractive, he's a pretty decent looking guy but when women compliment him and he tells me that I don't know its just hard to believe!I feel so superficial right now, because if I don't let that part get in the way then he treats me like a princess, takes care of me like a baby and loves me endless BUT I pick out on superficial things like how tacky I find his dressing and how he's not all that good looking..What am I doing? I feel so wrong..help me Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): If you don't feel an attraction to him, you'll feel it for someone else eventually. Then what? you'll be posting here again but the title will be "I'm in a relationship but in love with someone else" then you'll feel even more guilty about it.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 We're all attracted to different people.
If your friends think he's cute they can date him.
You don't have to have sex with someone to know that you have chemistry.
If after kissing for 8 hours straight you're not gagging to have sex with him (or desperately resisting the urge to rip his clothes off)then there is no chemistry, or at least not enough to keep this relationship going.
Please, please don't stay in this relationship just because you don't want to hurt him and he's begging you. 4 months is plenty long enough to know if it's working or not.
Stand your ground, be kind but firm and be true to yourself.
Good Luck AB x
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 And no, don't give it more time. You do not need more time to find out what you already know. If you give it more time you will just grow tired of him and feel like you are leading him on, and it will be leading him on. You'll just feel more guilty, be unhappy, and you aren't going to grow more attracted to him. Quite the opposite, the longer you wait now the less attracted to him you will be, and you'll end up staying just for the sake of staying since you've already put so much time into it and because you will feel bad if you left him.
Maybe this will give you some insight. One girl I studied with was with her boyfriend of 6 or so years, they lived together. But when she talked about him she wasn't exactly enthusiastic. During a party one night I asked her "Do you love him?". She said this: "When you've been with someone that long I guess you do love them".
Let me tell you, that is NOT love. That was staying out of habit, and the last thing you want is to end up like that girl, staying with a guy that she doesn't like in that way, but just staying because it's comfortable and she's already put so much time in it. Your current boyfriend is hoping to catch you in such a trap... That you will grow dependent on him and "get used" to him so much that you will just be indifferent. But real passion and love is so much better... Set your boyfriend free and seek real love and passion instead of this "waiting until you no longer care".
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 September 2013):
Even if you are waiting with sex until after marriage, how do you think sex would be with a man you do not find attractive? Not finding him attractive doesn't mean you think he is unattractive, it just means he's not the one you find attractive. But now you confuse me, you stated in your first post that you didn't find him attractive and now you are saying you find him attractive?
Maybe you are confusing yourself, but I think your first post is shows what you truly feel, but since you talked to him you are starting to doubt yourself. Trust me on this one. If you don't find him that "good-looking" it means he isn't attractive to you. It doesn't matter what your friends think! They can date him then, if they think he looks cute. And he might very well be cute, adorable, amazing even, but he's not attractive to YOU and that is the only thing that matters.
When the time comes for you and him to marry and have sex, you will be very disappointed because you aren't attracted to him in that way. It'll just be bad, and he deserves someone who thinks he's good looking, and YOU deserve to be with someone who YOU think is good looking. It's as simple as that.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 I would not give him more time if after four months you don't feel it and can spend 8 hours kissing him (wow) then I would end it now.
to stay with him knowing you don't feel "that way" about him is to lead him on... and risk being called a tease.
leaving him is actually kinder than dragging it out.
and go no contact...it will be easier on him... don't even pretend to try to be friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all ur answers!
We can only kiss for like 8 hours straight(yes only kiss no sex) so I don't know if I can say the chemistry is missing because Its not like I don't want to kiss him..we hvent had sex yet and the reason is not because I'm not attracted to him its because I don't want to have sex before marriage..
He's a very nice man and honestly many of my friends think he's cute but to me he's just an average guy!
Should I give it some more time to see how it goes?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 September 2013):
oh go with Chigirl's words much much better than mine!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 September 2013):
Smile at him, hold his hand, look into his eyes and tell him "Darling, 4 months is enough time. Let's not carry on when we both know it's not going to work." Then pat his hand, get up, grab your things and leave saying "Some day, some woman is going to make you a happy man. But that woman isn't me".
You worded yourself too carefully, of course you don't want to tell him flat out "You don't make my nickers wet". But he took your discretion to mean he's got a chance to fight for you. Don't give him room to argue his way back into a relationship with him. When you call it off, it is off, whether he chooses to listen or not. Just smile at him if he begs, but walk out the door. No point in debating this with him, and no point in giving him false hope.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 September 2013):
Since he wants more time, I'd ask him... "how much more time do you want me to waste on this?"
because I will tell you that if after 4 months you don't feel the vibe there is not much that's going to change.
The fact that you left it open to conversation and allowed him to "bully you" into staying concerns me.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 September 2013):
I find it hard to believe he's has a need to tell you each time he gets a compliment? He's either very insecure or full of himself.
I don't think you are shallow either. You have a specific taste, you're not blind. If people weren't shallow to some extent then there'd be no such thing as being heterosexual or homosexual either, because that too is about a preference.. what turns you on and what doesn't.
I don't think it's selfish to be honest with yourself and admit to yourself that just doesn't push your buttons. It's not worth it, if he's not your taste then he's not your taste! You gave him a chance to see if maybe you'd find him attractive once you got to know him better, and in my book that's the opposite of being shallow. If you were shallow you'd not even think about dating him. You gave it a shot, because you're not shallow. Sometimes it works, when you give people a chance they charm their way in with having a lovely personality, you fall in love, and then end up being physically attracted to them as part of a process of getting to know them.
It didn't happen this time, that's all. I think you ought to admit to yourself that you aren't attracted to him (sexually at least) and end the relationship. Don't waste time being with someone who's nice, but not what you're looking for. Just tell him you like him a lot, but feel that the chemistry is missing. It's something that just either is there or not, so make sure he knows it's nothing he did wrong. It just doesn't feel right for you.
Don't do what I did, I stayed in a relationship for 18 months with a man I wasn't physically attracted too, because I thought I HAD to be with him to not be shallow (he had such a great personality and yadda yadda...). He never turned me on, we had crap sex, and it wasn't that great of a relationship. Sex is not everything, but it IS important!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told him very politely that its me and not you! He's like I know where this is going..I told him I like him but I'm not putting an effort into this..
He asked me if there is someone else in my life I said no,he asked me if I have ever felt this way about anyone I said no then he says 'I can't let go off you knowing that'.. He said I need to give it sometime and things will change and that 4 months is too early to decide!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Well i think you are superficial.because you say you can't put effot into a relationship with ANY GUY you don't find good looking,not just this poor guy.so as long as a guy was good looking it would'nt matter to you how he treated you.what happens when the looks fade and they will if you are together for long enough for that to happen,do you just go out and find another?now that is being shallow.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 I don't think you are shallow. At least, when you say " I can't put in effort if I don't find him good looking " I take it you do not mean it as in " I won't bother unless he has the body of a Greek god and the face of an angel in a Raphael's painting ". I guess it just means you want somebody that YOU can find attractive because he matches ,more or less ,your preferences. There will be imperfections you don't even notice, and other that bother you and are harder to ignore. Like, maybe you only like tall guys , but if they are as bald as an egg is fine. Or viceversa, you'd gladly date a midget as long as he has a thick, healthy mane. And so on and so forth.
Physical attraction IS important. A woman does not necessarily want the best looking guy around according the current esthetic standards, but she wants someone who pleases HER senses . Including the sense of sight.
Plus, you DID give him a chance, you did try dating him even if he is not up to your standards, because you know that in time a person can grow on you so much , that he /she literally looks different in your eyes. Some times chemistry needs a little time to develop, - you realized that and gave it a try.
It did not work. No chemistry. Too bad, but it's nobody's fault and there's nothing you can do. Except of course letting him free, as gently as you manage, to move on and find himself another girl who likes him also physically.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): You're not being shallow at all, don't feel guilty. Think about it. Being "with" someone means you're in a relationship with them that is supposed to be romantic/sexual in nature, and exclusive. That means that if you're "with" him you cannot be "with" anyone else. He is "it." Don't you think that finding that person attractive is a pre-requisite or at least somewhat important?? Otherwise, it will feel yucky or at best lackluster to be doing with him the things that are to be done ONLY with him (because if you were to do it with anyone else it would be cheating). That would be pretty messed up, right?another reason you should break up is because let's say you continue this relationship because he's a nice guy and you don't want to feel shallow for dumping him. Well, sooner or later I can guarantee you that you will meet another guy who you feel attracted to and who may also show interest in you. It could happen fairly soon, or it could happen years down the road. It could be someone new at work, or someone you meet elsewhere. But it will happen because if you're not already in love with someone (i.e. the guy who is supposedly your partner) then you will easily fall in love with someone else, someone who does fit the descriptions of what you personally find attractive. It's only a matter of time before that happens. And when it does it will spell disaster for your relationship with the current guy. If you wait until then to break up with him, well that's certainly better than cheating on him but it would still mean that you basically used him all this time, staying with him only because he was doing nice things for you, and then the minute someone else comes along you dump him. That just makes you look like a user. It's far more honorable to leave him now when there's no one else in the picture. That way you wouldn't be using him by stringing him along until you fall in love with someone else. You would be saving his time too so that he can find another woman who is more his own type.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 September 2013):
 I agree with the others -- it's a matter of personal chemistry. The kindest thing you can do to him now is to let him go free so that he can be with a woman who flat out adores everything about him.
Be gentle and make sure that you tell him that it isn't his fault that you're breaking up with him, because a guy who treats a woman like that is a major keeper.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): there is nothing wrong with you. if your heart is not comfortable enough to let him in then you shouldn't force it.
but please be fair to him. he deserves to know how you feel about him. don't give him false hopes. explain to him and let him move on. don't worry he will find another girl.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (4 September 2013):
It's not shallow because you gave him a chance and haven't judged him by his looks.
If it's not working, it's not working regardless of the reason.
This guy could be drop dead gorgeous and treat you right but that still doesn't mean you will "click"
If it doesn't feel right then end it, just avoid telling him the reason :) just let him know you're not feeling it.
My first boyfriend was a horror story looks wise but we clicked and I loved him despite that. Later we grew apart and split but his looks never got in the way (and believe me he wasn't pretty).
I couldn't tell you whether other women find my husband attractive but too me he's the most handsome man in the world.
What I'm saying is that when you meet the right one everything will be right, looks, personality, the whole package.
You've only been together 4 months and dating is supposed to be fun, so if it's not fun and it isn't right, move on.
Good Luck AB x
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 September 2013):
It’s not shallow to only put in effort if you find someone attractive. It’s human nature. What you find attractive may repulse me. My husband is adorable to me… he’s goofy looking to many….
It’s not that you don’t find him attractive, it’s that he is not the one for you. It’s not superficial.
What you need to do is break up with him for both of your sakes.
What will happen if you stay with him cause he treats you well (but the UMPH is not there for you…) is when a guy who does meet your criteria comes along you will have guilt and drag out an ugly break up.
Break up NOW and move on with good memories. And sadly you have to give him the it’s ME not YOU talk… because it is all about you in this case, he’s done nothing wrong other than be himself, sadly for you himself is not for you. AND THAT’S OK!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): Metaphorically speaking, it's like driving a car.The Nissan Maxima/Cefiro was considered average-looking (no offence to Nissan fans, and not my opinion anyway!) by motoring journalists, but a lot of people went out and bought it anyway; a lot of people thought it was good to drive and own, as well as to look at.So basically, the moral of the story is it's more than just looks.I'm not speaking hypocritically here or pontificating a moral, but from experience; I tend to go for the personality as much as the looks.In short, try to find someone who can please you both physically and personality-wise.Sorry for the poor metaphor!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 September 2013):
 Since you are only interested in the packaging.... you must resign yourself that you've got to part ways with this guy.....
Then, you can go out and find yourself that gorgeous guy who you would like to date.... (he can be YOUR "arm candy"; and all your girl friends will be jealous of you!).... and who will care if he is an idiot or treats you like crap? "They'll" never find out....
Good luck....
P.S. In the meantime, some other poor sucker of a girl will have to endure this guy treating HER like a Princess!!
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (4 September 2013):
 Yeah, I agree with the others - you've given it a good 4 months, you've tried. By now he would have grown on you and if the chemistry was there, you'd find him attractive. But it seems that he's just getting less attractive, and I'm not sure that makes you superficial - just makes you not attracted to this guy.
You gave it a shot. But, I think it's time to find yourself someone who you have chemistry with and allow him the same thing. Good luck, sweet!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 September 2013):
 This is one of those "close but no cigar" kind of things. Do yourself and especially him a favor and end it.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 September 2013):
 If those things stand out to you that much.. (the way he dresses and looks) then you simply don't care enough for him and then you are just stringing him along.
So if there is no major chemistry why are you still with him?
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