A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a mind blowing intense, although only 4 months in length relationship with a divorced man. I am also divorced. We both have kids from our previous marriages. There was a lot of chemistry and tenderness between us and we were both happy to have found each other.Problem was his baggage was preventing our relationship from growing and being out in the open for the world to see. He divorced 2 years ago, but I am the first serious relationship he had. Just dated before. He gets along very well with his ex and they sometimes do family things together. They have not really explained to the kids that they have divorced and is trying to maintain some sort of nuclear family life for the kids benefit, but without the parents having a romantic relationship. They live in two homes, close by, go on a family holiday once a year, go out for a meal once a month and go to larger family gatherings together. He wanted to tell the kids what the true situation was and that he is now seeing someone, but his ex became very upset (and depressed..), non cooperative and this has put things on hold. He wants her support so they do not lose the "family" set up and agreed to wait until she feels ready. (which of course could take forever).I decided to break things off with him, because he is not actually available if he is putting things on hold with telling his kids. He said he can't let go of his feelings and love me until he has had the opportunity to be honest with his kids and know they are comfortable with him seeing me. We never spend time in day together and I am aware that he keeps me a secret so his kids won't find out. His ex knows about me for sure. He said that he knows the situation is not fair on me and feels terrible about it and that he knows he needs to change things and he also now knows it will take time, but that he will sort things out. It broke my heart, but I was very nice when I broke it off with him and said that I hope he will sort something out and that we could get together in the future if we can have an honest and open relationship.Three months have passed and I can read between the lines that he has not had any conversations with his kids and life is much the same as before. I fear that if he has not done something about now, whilst dealing with the pain of our breakup, why would he do so in the future? What puzzles me is that he sends me the odd txt message every 2 to 3 weeks to say hi and how my work is going and how my kids are? He never reveals anything personal in these txts and why is he interested in my work? What is really the point in these txt messages. It's like we speak, but say nothing..? Is it just a slow way of letting go, or is there any hope? Do I move on and stop communicating all together? I miss him so much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): From the person who posted the question: Again thank you for the sound advice. I can see why you are agony aunts! It is a relief to read the way you are verbalising what is was that bothered me about the ex, when I am normally not very jealous and open to understand unique situations, especially post divorce with kids. I am glad you agree that they have not separated emotionally. I think their separation was only physical and living apart means they no longer argue so I think their relationship has just changed and not ended. I also agree that introducing me to the kids at this point might be to soon, however all I wanted was for him to take the steps to tell the kids that mum and dad are no longer together and can date other people. The knowledge of that could take some time to get used to, but it might have meant that he would allow himself to let go of his feelings and have the freedom to love me, knowing that he is in good faith with his kids even though they haven't met an actual partner. Also, it would have showed me that he was moving things forward to create a space in his life for me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): " He wants her support so they do not lose the "family" set up and agreed to wait until she feels ready. (which of course could take forever)."What exactly is this "support" from her that he wants so badly that he's willing to put his life on hold and at her mercy and her whims to control?? As the father of the kids, he has legal rights to see his children, regardless of her feelings towards him.and what exactly is the "family set up" he wants to preserve so much that he's willing to put his life on hold and at her mercy and whims to control? He is their father and always will be, she is their mother and always will be. The kids will always have a father and mother regardless of how angry she gets at him. He has legal rights to see his children and to go on vacation with them and to have dinner with them, regardless of how angry she is at him. If what he wants to preserve is going on vacations with HER, and having dinner with HER, then that's not the sign of someone who actually wants to be fully divorced. Rather it seems that their relationship just got modified to have a little more space, but isn't actually a divorce. something is very fishy about him... Lots of people get divorced with kids and they don't play this elaborate hoax on their children pretending to be a fake nuclear family. There's enough divorced people around that it's not like he doesn't have any role models or script to follow on what a post-divorce lifestyle with kids should look like.clearly this is not being done for the kids, it's all about her having an agenda for him and him being under her thumb. Maybe she wants him back, or maybe she just doesn't want him to move on out of spite. And maybe he still has feelings for her and wants to keep open the door to resuming their relationship as a back up plan in case he can't get it going with any other woman (such as yourself).I think you'd best just continue to stay away from him. Some day he is going to wake up lonely and alone because he spent X number of years playing along with his ex's ban on new relationships for him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 There are two issues here that I want to address:
The first is about the ex. The fact that she has a pull on him in terms of manipulating him by getting depressed when he sees a new woman is too much baggage. They divorced 2 years ago, and while it's okay to have a good working relationship with your ex when the kids are concerned, it's obvious that she still has designs on him, or at least doesn't want HIM to give his affection to someone else. That means that three's a crowd, and I'd be questioning whether or not the family vacations involve getting one hotel room for both. Going out to dinner once per month as a family may make the kids happy, but at the same time, if he changes his behavior to appease HER, then he doesn't have required emotional space to have another woman in his life.
Now, the second is about the kids themselves, and in truth, a 4 month relationship is too soon to introduce to them. That's the point where exclusivity is just beginning, and too soon to have the required stability to bring into the childrens' life. It takes at least 6 months to even truly get to know someone else, and when it comes to meeting the kids, many people say 9 months to a year of knowing someone and being with them is bare minimum for introducing them. One guide suggests that minimum timeframe is divorced two years (which is achieved) and together for one year. But the point is SLOWLY, and 4 months is way too soon.
Also, it *is* responsible to inform the ex (the mother of the children) that you plan to introduce your children, so he did the right thing there. She would have been in the right to suggest the meeting wait, but her getting depressed that you found someone new is a wrinkle when he responds to how SHE feels even more than the children. Eventually, exes move on, and after two years, she should be much more mature about that fact.
I think now that the relationship is over, you should keep it over. You breaking up with him makes my point about SLOWLY introducing children to new partners. And, if his ex is still influencing him, it's too crowded for you emotionally, sorry to say. He will need to make up his mind where he wants to be in life and who he wants to be with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): He and his ex wife have not let go of each other emotionally. It basically says so here:"He wanted to tell the kids what the true situation was and that he is now seeing someone, but his ex became very upset (and depressed..), non cooperative and this has put things on hold. He wants her support so they do not lose the "family" set up and agreed to wait until she feels ready. (which of course could take forever)."Once you are divorced, your ex should not be determining when you get to date again! Once you are divorced, your ex should not determine when you get to move on with your life. This shows that she's hoping they will get back together and he does not want to live his own life on his own terms, he is still too emotionally invested in her feelings about him. The thing is, as you know since you're divorced too, it is totally possible to have a new romantic partner, and to still see his kids and if necessary even have the ex wife join him with the kids on some outings (if his current partner is OK with it that is). You being in the picture doesn't preclude him seeing his kids. The fact that his ex is putting such a roadblock to him romantically moving on, clearly means that she is hoping they'll get back together and I think he either wants her to continue thinking that, or he is a coward who does not want to take personal responsibility and prefers to do the "easiest thing" which is to be controlled by someone else so that he doesn't have to face their negative emotions directed at him.you're right to have broken up with him. If he texts you again I suggest you respond to him only to repeat what you told him when you broke it off: which is that you hope that he will become truly available by changing his arrangement. Do NOT compromise. if he wants to meet up, say no, not until you are truly available. If he wants to chat longer, say no you are busy now, you have to go, but in the future when he's available he can call you. He needs to know that if nothing has changed on his part, then nothing has changed on your part either. Right now he's probably trying to weasel back into your life without having done anything about his abnormal and highly dysfunctional situation. As before, he's trying to avoid personal responsibility while having his cake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): Thank you to all the agony aunts who took time to answer my question. Your advice is very much appreciated!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): You did the right thing. If he has to keep his relationship a secret, he shouldn't be dating. He might as well still be married because he is allowing his ex to control the situation. They have been divorced for two years, I think the kids should know what's going on by now. I wouldn't respond to his messages, no one else is going to want to put up with that. Find someone who is available.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 September 2013):
 I'll cut to the chase
YOU block his number. YOU do not contact him or have contact with him... SAGE is probably right yet again... he's keeping his finger in the pie so in case he gets a cold lonely night...
MOVE along there is nothing to see here....
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 September 2013):
 Let's focus on this passage, from your submittal:
"...What is really the point in these txt messages. It's like we speak, but say nothing..? Is it just a slow way of letting go, or is there any hope? Do I move on and stop communicating all together?"
There is a very specific suggestion about this situation in the "Guy Book of how to get laid each and every time you feel horny". It is this:
"Once you've gotten a girl to put out for you, you can feel certain that she is hooked. Subsequently, if/when she dumps you.... you should stay in-touch with her - by whatever means - since it's only a matter of time before she will crack, and respond to your seemingly warm, concerned and genuine communication.... and put out for you, yet again. Keep up this pressure... but don't let it look like pressure"
Do you move on and stop communicating? YES!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 September 2013):
 Bullshit. The kids are kids but hopefully are not stupid, they must have got wind of what the " real " situation is. If they go to school or have playdates, they must have noticed that when there IS a dad ,he lives with mom in the same place, and eats with his family more than just once a month. Probably, the one who needs to be kept in the dark is the " ex ", either because it's not excluded that they may want to end up back together again, or because he is sooo nice ( aka, a wuss ) that can't stand the idea of making her sad/ jealous. Or else , he'll bite the bullet and make her sad and jealous when he'll meet someone about whom he cares enough, his Ms . Right, who, unluckily, it wasn't you regardless of the passion and intensity .
Yes, you should move on and stop communicating altogether. 4 months before, 3 months now makes 7 and in 7 months, nothing , nada, zilch has changed, so either nothing will ever change or at most it will change at a snail pace that you would not find of your liking.
He texts you because he misses you too, why not ?, I don't say he does not like you, only he does not like you enough to do anything about his current arrangement. Simce he's got nothing to offer you, he is just throwing a bait every now and then, hoping that in the meantime you have changed your mind, or have weakened enough to bite and say " My work is fine, thanks, ..but why one of these nights don't you come over and we talk about it in person "...
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (4 September 2013):
 I agree with all that Honeypie says. As to your question in your second from last sentence, my reply is "yes". Stop communicating all together and let yourself move on. You could tell him, in a final text or phone call, to please stop all contact until he is available for a relationship. Take some time to heal, and then get yourself out there again. Don't wait around for him.
Sorry you ended up in this situation. I sounds like you're going through a hard time. These lazy texts from him that keep you hooked are clearly not helping.
All the best. I truly hope you meet someone else with all the chemistry and tenderness who is actually available for a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 September 2013):
 He does it because he hopes that you change your mind and "just" accept how he live his life and because... YOU let him (you could block him or tell him do not contact me). By texting you, YOU keep him "fresh" in your mind and therefore will have a harder time moving on ad finding someone who can give you what you want and need. The man obviously liked you a lot, but he likes his dysfunctional family lifestyle more.
I think you did the right thing in ended it. He is WAY to invested in his "ex" wife and the whole sham of a family life they run. I just don't see where you or any other woman would fit in.
I wouldn't be surprised if the "ex" wife threw this whole "I'm so depressed that you are dating" thing whenever HE is seeing someone else, knowing full well that it will ruin what he has going with another woman.
To be honest it doesn't sound like they are truly divorced.
It seems like a drama-llama show.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): I know you miss him and it's tough to let go, but for you it's a no win situation. He texts to you because he is so called "keeping in touch" to see if you still available. For him obviously is more important to be with his family than with you, though he could combine both and be a man, stand up to his ex and tell her this is how it is now.
Divorces are hard, especially with little kids involved. I remember when my parents divorced and I felt so unloved by my dad when he moved away, but on a mother hand I liked that fightings stopped. My parents managed to stay friends till the day my mom died, so there was no strain ever, and my dad remarried when I was 14 ( his is wife is a different story, though).
The other thing that you can do is speak with him again, but with love not criticism, and tell him how much you miss him and want to be with him, and how much you want it to work.
You both are at the age that meeting someone special is not as easy as it was in early years and it is a rare find. Kids will grow, and leave, and it will happen very fast. He needs to hear it, but it will be the last conversation between 2 of you. That what I would do. Also his wife has no saying anymore, they are not an items already.
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